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[Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 02/07/2017) 
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Post [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 02/07/2017)
Diclaimer: Outsider and any and all related content is the intellectual property of Jim Francis a.k.a. Arioch

I hereby claim no right to his works, nor any intimate knowledge to the story of Outsider.

The pale horse is a 'what if' retelling of the first chapter of the comic.

The premise is simple enough:

The first contact with humanity via Alexander Jardin doesn't happen in 2160 but in 3160 instead. The premise of course goes deeper than that but since I don't want to spoil anything I will just say that this story can be seen as replete with Humanity Fuck Yeah! moments before going with http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/M ... AreCthulhu

In short, not to be taken overly seriously as a story but I do think that it has some redeeming qualities.

After that, I will say that it will be almost exclusively from a Loroi POV, it will be relatively short (5 to 6 chapters) and that the updates may be irregular as I will be mainly focusing on editing Looking forward to the mirror and finishing my original fic.

INDEX

Code:
Prologue: http://www.well-of-souls.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=23187#p23187
Chapter 1, part 1: http://www.well-of-souls.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=23188#p23188
Chapter 1, part 2: http://www.well-of-souls.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=23204#p23204
Chapter 1, part 3: http://www.well-of-souls.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=23372#p23372
Chapter 2, part 1: http://www.well-of-souls.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=23485#p23485
Chapter 2, part 2: http://www.well-of-souls.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=23615#p23615
Chapter 2, part 3: http://www.well-of-souls.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=23673#p23673
Chapter 3, part 1: http://www.well-of-souls.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=23998#p23998
Chapter 3, part 2: http://www.well-of-souls.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=24932#p24932
Chapter 3, part 3: http://www.well-of-souls.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=26576#p26576
Chapter 4, part 1: http://www.well-of-souls.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=26602#p26602
Chapter 4, part 2: http://www.well-of-souls.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=26642#p26642
Chapter 4, part 3: http://www.well-of-souls.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=27907#p27907

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Looking forward to the Mirror (Final Editing)
The pale horse (irregular updates)


Last edited by dragoongfa on Sat Jul 01, 2017 2:36 pm, edited 18 times in total.



Mon Feb 29, 2016 4:17 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse
The pale horse

Prologue

Torrai Lashret Stillstorm never had much patience for games, especially the kind of games that the Shells liked to play with them. This time however the game didn’t end up the way the Shells wanted it to go, something that did wonders to her mood.

How they managed to get a fleet wide Lotai was beyond her but far more beyond her was the fact that they couldn’t even use that advantage without fumbling it like the empty husks they are.
The commander of the 63rd strike group almost fell into an ambush thanks to the Lotai and the peculiar nature Naam star system. She even admitted that she would have fallen into it if the Shells hadn’t given their positions away by having one of their quincunx formations fire at something while still inside the proplid clouds. Thankfully that was enough of a warning for the 63rd to form a defensive line and disengage from the initial engagement in good order.

The 45th strike group wasn’t far behind and rushed to the aid of the 63rd, the two strike groups managing to hold the Shells at bay until her own 51st and struck the hapless husks from a sloppily defended flank. The nearly disastrous ambush quickly turned into a slaughter that saw the destruction of more than a hundred Shell ships, including more than a dozen heavies and all those from a single engagement.

All three strike groups suffered some casualties, her own Van squadron took some nasty hits but for once no ship had foundered and she had the damaged ships leave with the other two squadrons that had already spent their full complement of heavy ordnance.

The 51st stayed behind alone, both to cover the other two squadrons as they disengaged and to look for any clues about the newfound Shell Lotai, something that she and the damnable Mizol agreed on for once.

“None of the Shell remains in range are anything more than minor hull fragments.” Listel Tozet Beryl reported and she just nodded in acknowledgement. She disliked that Listel from the moment she stepped foot on Tempest, yet another naïve young fool like all of the replacements. The white haired youngling was overly curious, a xenophile and without the temperament that a warrior should have. The only reason she tolerated her was the fact that she was the better prospect of her batch of Listels that had been sent to the 51st. Either her whole caste had fallen so low that they would give their armor to anyone or headquarters was playing one of their games again, deep inside she hoped that it was the fault of fleet headquarters.

“I am detecting something like a beacon!” The Listel sent to her and she immediately walked to the Listel’s console to check. The transmission was faint, so faint that one could easily miss it among the stellar noise of the system and the electromagnetically charged debris from the battle.

“Indeed it looks like a beacon.” She agreed after looking at the readings.

“I don’t recognize the signal; it is not ours, nor Shell or Historian.” The Listel added.

“It’s at the edge of the proplid, it could be a trick or it could be related to whatever the Shells were shooting at.” Stillstorm thought before coming to a decision. “Send the coordinates to navigations, we will go and check it out ourselves.”

“Yes Lashret Stillstorm.”


“Good job Listel.” Perhaps, given time, that Listel will turn into a proper warrior.

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Looking forward to the Mirror (Final Editing)
The pale horse (irregular updates)


Last edited by dragoongfa on Tue Mar 01, 2016 4:46 am, edited 2 times in total.



Mon Feb 29, 2016 4:18 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse
Chapter 1, part 1

“Listel Tozet Beryl, a Listel is needed at the shuttle bay to take a look at the alien that was just brought it.” Soroin Mallas Rune-Laurel sent. “Your shift is about to end and the Lashret believes that you should be the one to handle this since you were the one who found it.”

“Is it really a new alien?” She asked giddily as she stood up from her station.

“It must be some short of new Shell trick.” The Mallas replied with easily sensed confusion, something very unusual for her. “Just go and analyze what you see!”

“Who else is there?”


“Teidar Pallan Fireblade, Doranzer Mazil-Tonza Desire and her assistant, Doranzer Deadleaf.” The Mallas replied.

“Shouldn’t the Mizol be there as well?” Beryl asked since the dealings with aliens were almost exclusively the duty of the Mizol caste, something that annoyed her to no end.

“She is with the farseer right now, trying to figure out what is going on with the Shell Lotai.”

“Understood, I will be there right away.” She replied and trotted out of the bridge. She wanted to run as fast as she could to her destination but forced herself into a light trot since she already had a bad reputation and really didn’t want to add more to it by running like a fool. She really hoped that this was something new and exciting that no one had seen before. Rune-Laurel thought that it was a Shell trick but she hoped beyond all reason that this was more than that.

As she approached the shuttle bay she picked up Fireblade’s unique mental signature a moment before she received a sending from the Teidar.

“So it’s you that the Mallas sent. Weren’t you on bridge duty?”

“My shift was about done and the Lashret thought that I should handle this. What am I needed for?” Beryl replied.

“Everything on the alien is simply… wrong. Its body looks like ours, its armor is really weird and the Doranzers think that it may be a male!” The Teidar replied and it was easy to discern that she was even more confused than the Mallas herself.

“Can you describe it to me?”


“Just come here Listel, I am not in the mood to describe and analyze this, that’s your caste’s job!” The Teidar replied with her usual irritable tone, making Beryl let out a sigh for her own foolishness. At least her interest was piqued by what the Teidar described, an alien who looks like a Loroi, wears weird armor and may be a male; she couldn’t imagine a greater mystery than that!

She followed the Teidar’s mental signature in order to find them at packed the shuttle bay, she half expected for a crowd to have formed around their little group but the Teidar must have convinced those curious to go back to their jobs. The redhead warrior was standing over the two Doranzers who were kneeling over the armored and unconscious alien.

“Is this the alien?” Beryl asked excitedly the moment she reached them.

“It ain’t Loroi.” Fireblade replied dryly. “Just tell us what it is and what its armor is made of before I let this one further into the ship.”

“It’s…” Beryl stopped her sending as she realized that she didn’t know anything what she was seeing. “I don’t know what I am looking at!”

She knelt next to the alien and begun to examine it up close, the two Doranzers making room for her to work. It’s body type was almost identical to a Loroi female’s but its chest piece didn’t betray a female’s breast. She reached to its head and took a look inside through its helmet’s visor.

“Its face looks like a Loroi’s but it is pinkish… Yes, I see some red blood and… that must be facial hair!” Beryl sent her thoughts without thinking.

“Can you find a way to get it out of its armor so we can try to revive it?” Doranzer Mazil-Toza Desire asked.

“It’s dead?” Beryl asked, her heart sinking a little bit at the news.

“We can’t sense it, can we?”
Mazil-Toza Patience replied.

She instantly turned her attention to its armor. It was orange in color, with a few white stripes and completely alien writing written throughout the surface. It was obvious that it was atmospherically sealed but she couldn’t see any release mechanism for any armor piece. She turned her attention to the writing again, in order to try and discern a pattern from the words written there.

“Weird letters.” She thought and then noticed a small blinking red light at its chest, right where a Loroi’s heart would be.

“How did it get in there? The entire armor looks like it is a single piece of metal!” Doranzer Deadleaf commented.

Without thinking Beryl reached out and touched the blinking red light but nothing happened.

“It ain’t some form of a button.” Doranzer Deadleaf sent at that.

Unphased by that Beryl kept applying pressure on the light and in a moment of inspiration decided to apply pressure on it as it lit up while letting go as it turned off, she did that a couple of times and a holographic skeleton appeared over the alien right after the third one.

“What did you do Listel?” Fireblade asked in shocked surprise.

“I followed a hunch!”
Beryl replied defensively.

“This must be its skeleton.” Mazil-Toza Desire replied. “It looks like a male’s but taller and with broader shoulders.”

“Yes.” Beryl agreed as she examined the hologram. “This must be some sort of emergency system to help a medic, pretty advanced if they managed to fit everything that it needs in a personal armor.”

“It highlights something in its head but I don’t see something wrong with the skull.” Mazil-Toza Patience commented.

“I wonder what this is…” Beryl thought as she reached out towards a small holographic rectangle that just floated above the skeleton, as she was about to touch it the small rectangle expanded into a small holographic screen that turned and floated at half an arm’s length in front of her. “Very advanced… This must be some short of control panel.”

“Does it say anything about taking the armor off?” Mazil-Toza Desire asked.

“I don’t understand a single word that is written here but this blinking arrow right here looks interesting…” Beryl pressed the arrow and instantly the hologram changed from a representation of the alien’s skeleton to a representation of its internal organs.

“That's a lot of blinking red…” Pallan Fireblade commented at what all four of them were seeing.

“That's a lot of highlights at the heart and brain.” Doranzer Deadleaf added.

“That control panel changed as well, it’s all red and with weird large letters flashing just above a big white button…”
She pressed it without thinking and almost immediately the armor liquefied itself, the metal turning into some form of quicksilver that quickly moved towards the alien’s torso where it begun to form some form of a vest.

“What did you do Listel?”
Pallan Fireblade shouted.

“I just pressed the button!”

“Whatever it is, we can now take it off it… No it’s a him if the bulge on its underwear is a sign.” Mazil-Toza Desire commented as she began checking the alien with her equipment while her assistant took of the vest that now looked like it was just simple cloth.

“His heart has stopped and his brain activity is dropping rapidly.” Mazil-Toza Patience sent and in turn Doranzer Deadleaf prepared and offered a pair of electro patches to her.

“Will those even work?”
Beryl asked.

“We don’t know anything about him other than he looks like an oversized male.” Mazil-Toza Desire replied before activating the patches which quickly managed to restart the alien’s heart. “We got his heart beating but we need to get him to the medical bay to see if we can repair the damage to his brain.”

“Understood…” Pallan Fireblade replied and sighed before activating her armor’s communicator.

“This is Pallan Fireblade. The Doranzers need to get the alien to the medical bay and it seems unarmed.” It was one of the few times Beryl heard the Teidar speak, she had a nicely pitched and steady voice that didn’t betray her character at all. “Affirmative. I will stay with them at all times.”

Chapter 1, part 2: viewtopic.php?p=23204#p23204

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Last edited by dragoongfa on Thu Jul 14, 2016 1:27 pm, edited 5 times in total.



Mon Feb 29, 2016 4:18 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse
Nice. I cant wait for more.


Mon Feb 29, 2016 9:32 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse
Not reading yet, but saw that in the index in the first üost you use the [code] tags, which disables url-linking....

does [offtopic]work here[/offtopic]?

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Tue Mar 01, 2016 2:46 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse
Krulle wrote:
Not reading yet, but saw that in the index in the first üost you use the [code] tags, which disables url-linking....

does [offtopic]work here[/offtopic]?


That's because the forum can process only up to 10 urls per post, with that in mind I figure that it is best to parse everything in [code] to save space and partially circumvent the limitation.

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The pale horse (irregular updates)


Tue Mar 01, 2016 2:55 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse
Chapter 1, part 2

“So this one is not a Shell…” Fireblade thought as she observed the screens that depicted the medical scans of the weird alien.

“It’s obvious that it is not a Shell, no physical similarities, a completely unique genome and…” Tozet Beryl begun to reply.

“I do know how to read Listel and the pictures are clear enough!” She snapped back at the Listel while the alien was slowly taken out of the regenerator. “Leave the restraints locked.” She ordered the two Doranzers.

“As you wish Pallan Fireblade.” Mazil-Toza Desire replied with easily sensed relief, making it obvious that she was reluctant to do so at the first place.

“Is the alien healed?” She asked as she observed the naked alien that laid motionless of the regenerator’s bed. It was obviously a male, with blonde hair that were accompanied by relatively short facial hair of the same color; it or he was well muscled when compared to a Loroi warrior and even had some sparse body hair. It looked uncomfortably like a Loroi male, if not for the height, the body color and the facial and body hair.

“Should be, we don’t know its biochemistry and I had to adapt the regenerator manually as it worked. It had full oxygen deprivation which caused its heart and brain functions to cease but I managed to restore everything. Now all its left is to wait and see if he will wake up or not.”
Mazil-Toza Desire replied.

“You managed to do that without knowing anything about it?” Fireblade asked in disbelief.

“Beyond the biochemistry and the other obvious differences this alien is practically identical to us. I just worked with that assumption for everything else.”
The senior Doranzer explained.

“Impressive…” Fireblade commented before realizing something. “If its brain functions have been restored why can’t we sense it at all?”

“I… don’t know.”

“Keep monitoring it, I will inform Lashret Stillstorm about this development.” Fireblade replied and tuned her armor’s communication to contact her commander directly.

“What is it Pallan Fireblade?” Stillstorm replied, her voice filled with irritation as the Torrai was known to loath vocal communications that weren’t an emergency or combat related.

“The Doranzers have managed to heal the alien.”

“And you contacted me just for that?” Lashret Stillstorm replied angrily.

“We can’t sense it at all.” Fireblade replied calmly and had to wait several Solons for a reply.

“I am coming there myself!” Lashret Stillstorm announced.

“I am against you being anywhere near an alien that we know nothing about!” Fireblade protested without hesitation.

“I trust that a Teidar of your caliber will be able to keep me safe.” Stillstorm replied coldly.

“I am the ranking Teidar of this ship and I will not allow the commander of this strike group to be anywhere near the alien.” Fireblade insisted.

“Do you really intend to argue with me Teidar?” Lashret Stillstorm replied with a low voice.

“Let the Mizol die if the alien is a Shell agent, I will not allow you to be at risk while I am still drawing breath.” Lashret Stillstorm laughed at that.

“The Mizol is still locked up with the Farseer although your suggestion is tempting.” The Torrai replied. “Listen well Teidar, I want answers about the Shell Lotai and that alien must have them since it also has a Lotai. The Mizol will waste time and lives by speaking with it while I can and will authorize an on site interrogation of it. You can insist of worrying about my safety in which case I will have you relieve Teidar Mothwing from bridge duty or you can be the one who will save countless of lives.” Fireblade didn’t like this but she had to agree that the Torrai had a point.

“I don’t care if no Teidar is at the bridge; I want my other two caste mates to escort you here in order to further guarantee your safety.”

“Agreed, you make sure that the alien is ready to answer everything.”

“Understood.” Fireblade closed the call and sighed in resignation at that.

“Interrogating the alien is a mistake; he hasn’t even woken up yet.” Tozet Beryl protested.

“This is a war Listel and both he and the Shells have a Lotai. I don’t believe that they are unrelated nor that it is not an elaborate Shell trick.” Fireblade snapped back.

“I am certain that the alien is not a Shell trick.” Tozet Beryl insisted.

“You can argue that with Lashret Stillstorm.” Fireblade rebuked her and turned at the two Doranzers. “Can you do anything to wake the alien up?”

“I don’t know if he will wake up at all and I can’t even begin to hypothesize what to administer in order to force the issue.” Mazil-Toza Desire replied.

“I have no choice then, all of you raise your mental defenses; if he doesn’t wake up after I focus on him, he never will.” She warned the other before dropping her mental barriers and concentrating on the alien. She sensed the two Doranzers and the Listels as they overlapped their subconscious mental barriers with conscious ones and couldn’t help but smile when she sensed their realization that they would have to do more to keep her out. Everyone knew that she was a very strong telepath but few ever realized how strong she really was, the three of them and the others who were close enough would now appreciate the effort she put in making sure to control herself. It was true that she never could shut her mind completely off, annoying those that were sensitive about such matters, but such small leaks could never compare with the strength she now let loose. Thankfully the alien obliged her with a response and begun squirming after a few solons.

“KAT DE RAKET I EM AWAIK!” He yelled, taking everyone by surprise, before opening his eyes. It even managed to scare the Listel who had quickly moved behind her for cover. “Fak…” The alien said and looked around before trying to move its tied right hand. “Koold bi wors.”

“Stop being a scared miros and talk to him Listel.” Fireblade sent at the Tozet who hid behind her.

“What should I say?”

“I don’t know, you are the one who likes aliens; just talk to this one, I am here and it is still tied up.” Fireblade reassured her and the Listel stepped forward, her fear completely overcome both by that and her own curiosity.

“Do you speak the Trade language? Can you understand me?” Tozet Beryl asked him.

“Yes, I can understand you.” The alien replied as he stretched his neck to look at his naked body.

“Ah, very good! Are you undamaged? Can you breath acceptably?” The Tozet asked.

“I don’t feel any pain and judging by the scanning patches on me I must have been fully healed. I shouldn’t have any problem with breathing but I am a little cold.” The alien replied.

“We will get a sheet for you. Can you tell us who you are?”

“I am Senator Alexander Jardin of the Terran Confederation, representing the 37 worlds of humanity and their dependent colonies.”

“Terran Confederation? Humaniti?” Fireblade asked Tozet Beryl in an instant as they looked each other in disbelief.

“First time I have heard of them!” Beryl replied and turned back to the alien.

“We are not familiar with humaniti. Are you an ambassador? Of what nation are you a member?” The Listel asked.

“Yes I am an ambassador and as I already said I am a Senator of the Terran Confederation.” The alien replied before thanking the two Doranzers who covered them with a sheet. “Before we continue, I would like to know where I am.”

“Yes, of course. You seem to be aboard the Tempest, command vessel of the…”

“That’s enough Listel, Lashret Stillstorm is here.” Fireblade interrupted them, right before the Torrai and her escort entered the medical bay.

“I see that the alien is awake.” The Lashret broadcasted after ordering her two Teidar escorts to be on guard.

“Yes, I woke him up after some telepathic focusing.” Fireblade replied.

“Him? An obvious Shell trick?” The Lashret was torn between being angry and amused as she sent that.

“Yes, his genome is unique and he doesn’t show any sign of modification. We could run more tests if you would like but he does look how he is supposed to look like.” Tozet Beryl argued.

“Do you want me to accept that something that has a Lotai and looks like a tall, red blooded male is anything but an elaborate Shell trick?” The Lashret replied, her tone one of amusement this time.

“Its armor was also advanced, far more advanced than anything we or the Shells can produce.” The Tozet insisted.

“Looted technology from the occupied Historian worlds.” The Lashret said, obviously amused at the folly of the young Listel.

“He also identified himself as an ambassador, a Senator of the Terran Confederation which represents the 37 worlds of humanity.” It was obvious that for some reason the Listel’s insistence kept amusing the Lashret.

“You are too gullible young Listel, that’s an obvious lie to protect itself. A Senator? Terran Confederation? 37 worlds of humanity? In the millennia we have been starfaring we have never heard about them and now one of their ‘Senators’ somehow ended up drifting in space with his mind sealed by a Lotai right after the Shells came up of a Lotai of their own? It’s obvious that it is desperate and is trying to protect itself by lying so much.” Lashret Stillstorm replied.

“But what if he doesn’t lie my Lashret? What if this is our first contact with their species?” The Listel kept pushing the subject making Fireblade wonder just how long Lashret’s Stillstorm’s amusement would last.

“Both it and the Shells have a Lotai. This is too much to be a coincidence, we both know that it holds the answers of everything and the Teidar will wrestle them out of it.” The Lashret said, her tone finally making clear that she had just about enough arguing.

“Can we at least ask him about what we want to learn?” Tozet Beryl insisted, against her better judgment. The Lashret was obviously torn between having the Listel thrown out of the room or finding a creative way to make her understand her folly.

“Fine, ask it!” The Lashret sent, her tone full of the sadistic pleasure for teaching someone a harsh lesson. “I want to know about its true mission, its orders and contacts, where its species is located, its alignment, what it knows about its Lotai and how to counteract it.” Fireblade almost felt sorry for the Listel at that, there was no possibility of the alien answering all that willingly and that would make her look like a fool but she agreed that it was a valuable lesson to be learned by the still naïve Listel. The Listel looked at her for a moment but she had no desire to help her now that the Lashret had made up her mind, all she could do was to prepare herself for the interrogation and curse her luck that the alien looked like a male.

“We…we require to know the true nature of your mission, your orders and contacts. Also the alignment of your nation and its location… And how this Lotai... this Mask of yours is achieved and how it can be counteracted. The commander asks, will you tell us these things?” The alien looked first at the Listel, then at the Lashret before his gaze met hers as she stared down at him. He chuckled, taking everyone in the room by surprise, before answering.

“Those are reasonable questions, considering the situation and circumstances we all find ourselves in. Before I answer them however, I would like to say two things. First I would like to thank Torrai Lashret Stillstorm and the crew of Tempest for saving my life. The Terran Confederation will deeply appreciate this.”

“Did you tell it who I am Listel?” The Lashret broadcasted angrily.

“No, I only mentioned Tempest!” The Tozet replied defensively.

“Your and your strike group’s reputation travels far Lashret Stillstorm, although your colleagues which we have rescued in the past tozon have some mixed sentiments about you.” The alien replied before turning to look straight into Fireblade’s eyes again. “The second thing I would like to say is to the Teidar Pallan; when I was still in the navy my marine subordinates would never allow me to be anywhere near a telepathic and telekinetic alien, no matter the confidence they would have in their weapons and abilities.” Fireblade instantly prepared herself for the worse while everyone else stood still in shocked disbelief.

“It can’t be a telepath, not with a Lotai!” Teidar Mothwing broadcasted.

“Lashret, get out now!” Fireblade shouted.

“I won’t let an obvious alien bluff scare me Teidar!” The Torrai rebuked her angrily.

“We have trouble believing that you are either of those things.” Tozet Beryl said out of turn.

“Yes, I have observed how the other Loroi I have already met had trouble accepting the fact of our Lotai and having our telepathy locked away most of the time. I am willing to make a minor demonstration provided that the Teidar Pallan will allow me to scratch my chin. Human facial hair gets a little itchy if unkempt.” The Tozet just looked at her without sending anything, she looked at the Lashret who was angry with the game the alien played before turning back to the Listel and nodding for her to unlock the restraints that held the alien’s hand down.

“Thank you Teidar Pallan, I appreciate it.” The human replied before the Listel could take a step. He looked down at his body and a moment later the sheet made way, revealing his right hand and the locked restraint, the restraint then opened on its own and after that the alien freely lifted his arm and used his hand to scratch himself. “Ah, that got the itch…” After he was done the alien proceeded to put his hand back onto the lock which again closed on its own while the sheet moved back onto its previous position.

“GET THE LASHRET OUT NOW!” Fireblade shouted without taking her eyes off the alien, the other two Teidar had already flanked the Torrai to drag her out.

“I WONT RUN AWAY FROM AN ALIEN ON MY SHIP!” Stillstorm shouted back and the two Teidar were left dumbfounded on what to do.

“Now that I said what I had to say, I believe that you wanted some answers. My mission is to finally establish diplomatic contact with the Loroi Union. For this reason I was en route to a forward outpost we have established in the Charred steppes near Seren, where your Emperor is currently at. My contacts, or sources as they should be properly called, are a wide variety of Loroi warriors and civilians whom we picked up in the last tozon or so. Most of them are castaways but we do have the odd prisoners of war that were rescued at opportune moments. The territory of the Confederation expands beyond the Great Wasteland and I am pleased to say that we are currently not hostile to any of the two combatants, although the Hierarchy did make the mistake of attacking the ship that carried me. As for the Human Lotai, it’s an advanced adaptation of the mechanism put in place by the Soians in order for them to lock human telepathic and telekinetic abilities right after their first contact with our stone-age ancestors and before the creation of the first iterations of your species by them. Each and every adult human currently living is able to lock and release our telepathy and telekinesis at will while the effects of the lock are impossible for your technological level to counteract.” The alien said and stared straight at the enraged Lashret Stillstorm. “Do you have any other questions?”

“Do you mean to say that human is the template species of the Loroi?” Tozet Beryl asked out of turn again, drawing the anger of the Lashret on her for a moment.

“Isn’t it obvious Listel Tozet?” The alien replied. “I would also like to add that our technology has allowed all humans to be telepathic, telekinetic and eidetic at the same time. Understandably we don’t have anywhere near the mental traditions and disciplines that you Loroi have been developing since the fall of the Soians. If you want to know about the Lotai technique developed by the Hierarchy you will have to ask the Historians for details about what is located in their still occupied territory.”

“You are lying!” The Lashret said accusingly.

“And I thought that you Loroi valued truthfulness and directness!” The alien snapped back. “I will admit that I omitted saying a few of my thoughts for the sake of politeness but since you insist. I meant what I said about appreciating you saving my life, however I am not taking kindly the fact that you chose to bring your Teidar here with the obvious intent of interrogating me. You can thank your Listel subordinate for being polite and just ‘requesting’ instead of ‘demanding’ answers. I do however understand and respect the obvious reasoning behind your choice of action but I am not a fool to like what you planned to do. Now, stop trying to play the Mizol and decide as a Torrai. You can order your Teidar to interrogate me in which case I will defend myself despite the debt I owe you and your ship; my eventual death will be seen as an act of war by the Confederation and you will be to blame for everything that transpires after that. You can also put me in your brig under heavy guard until you contact proper authorities or someone who is undoubtedly looking for me makes themselves known. In such a case I will not hold such an action against you or the Union nor will I ever mention the stunt you were about to pull.”

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Tue Mar 01, 2016 3:41 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
What's with all the confederation talk? Confederation would be the upgraded version of a feudal society, for example the Loroi civilization. The upgraded form of democracy would be federation. Was there a war followed by a severe government downgrade for the Terrans?

Awesome new story, btw. Cannot wait for the next chapter!


Ooooh, Gurps says that at TL 11 a civilization is capable of producing psionic powers up to level 60. I wonder how strong Alex is? Also, only telepathy and psychokinesis? Awww, I wanted to see some of the other psionic abilities. Bummer.


Tue Mar 01, 2016 3:56 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
I think a confederation is the direction the TCA was actually heading in cannon. And why would it be an upgraded feudal society? The USA was a confederation before the constitution was written.


Tue Mar 01, 2016 5:10 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
That's the Master of Orion approach :P

I am working the Terrans with the current approach in regards to Confederation, i.e. unified aspects for certain stuff (external diplomacy and a unified military) but full discretion for everything else (domestic and economic matters, type of government and etc).

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confederation

I don't know how much of this Confederation's backstory will be mentioned in the story proper so I will give a basic rundown while omitting various stuff.

I worked with this map in mind:

http://well-of-souls.com/outsider/image ... bble02.jpg

After 2160 Humanity begun expanding coreward, away from the other known species. By 2200 they already had five extra solar garden world colonies scattered throughout the coreward side of the wastelands. By 2300 these colonies became not only completely self sufficient with large populations but increasingly militant in their demands for autonomy and independence. The resulting war ended circa 2320 with the full Independence of these self sufficient colonies and the absorption of any other nearby not self sustaining colony by them, these five colonies and Earth later became known as the Old worlds. Humanity at this time was mid tech level 11.

The now independent colonies and Earth were later embroiled in a race to colonize newly discovered territories ever coreward. This era was known as the Corp seeding era as in order to avoid a war, the colonizing efforts were universally left in private hands as all the governing bodies were with their fingers on the trigger if someone else attempted to send their navies there. This era ended in 2400 and found humanity in early tech level 12.

After 2400 the various corporations that were established as a colonization front each saw that they had more economic and industrial capacity than their parent worlds. This sparked an other secession war with the added ideological twist as each 'Corporation' had its own 'moral values' due to the fact that the ones who comprised them were more often than not the most disenfranchised members of the respective seeder worlds. The Corporation wars were as much as for independence, the securing of resources and the research of advanced technology as well as the ideological differences between Democracy, Autocracy, Collectivism, Capitalism and even Theocracy for a select few Corporations. The Old worlds played no real favorites as the various corporations had no real loyalty to the worlds who first seeded them and as such gave and took support at will, depending of course who provided the better deal for them. This era saw the maximum expansion of human territory with a total of 45 fully self sufficient and independent 'worlds' each having multiple dependent colonies and a crazy advancement in technology, it ended in 2600 and certain human worlds had advanced as high as mid tech level 14.

What followed was the Duldrums era, the Old worlds were left on their own devices by the new Worlds that were now richer and more populous than them. Technology advanced relatively slowly for most worlds with the exception of the Old ones who saw in technological advancement the only way out of their irrelevance. Wars were frequent between the new Worlds who often had vastly different ideological background between one an other and because of this, the various alliances that were formed where shaky if not outright traitorous. This era ended around 2850 with the full destruction of a World and the devastation of multiple others. The New worlds quickly established a variety of power blocks in order to guarantee that such a fate would not befall them. The tech levels varied between them but it was universally agreed that the Old worlds who had established a partnership of shorts between them were the most advanced at tech level 15.

The era between 2850 and 3100 became know as the 'Buildup era' as 5 distinct factions were formed and became dominant:

The Terran Confederation, or the Old Worlds Confederation as the others called them. Comprised of six worlds and their dependent colonies, with a population a little shy of half a trillion. The Confederation is a largely democratic faction, that stays out of the way of the affairs of the other Worlds, choosing an approach of internal development over expansion of influence. They are also the most technologically advanced faction at mid tech level 16 at the end of the era.

The Trade Union, a union of the worlds that remained under true corporation control after the Corporation wars. Comprised of nine worlds and their dependent colonies, with a population of slightly over a trillion. The Trade Union can be described as a Mercantilism society in which wealth is the key for political power. They want to remain largely neutral to every other faction but there are always tensions with the Commonwealth, tensions that often escalate into violent confrontations. They are mid tech level 15 at the end of the era.

The United Hegemony, a union of the various autocratic societies that took hold of their worlds after the Corporation wars. Comprised of 12 worlds and their dependent colonies, with a population of 1 trillion and 150 billions. They have a stable but byzantine confederation like organization between the various leaders which range from dictators, to monarchs, to even elected presidents. They have tense relations with the Commonwealth and to a lesser extent the Serene Republics. They are early tech level 15 at the end of the era.

The Commonwealth, a union of the various collectivist movements that were formed in protest of the Corporation wars and ended up taking hold of several worlds. Comprised of 13 worlds and their dependent colonies, with a population of a trillion and a half. Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the powers, they have the largest industrial capacity, population and territory but their ideologically driven policies have dampened innovation putting them at late tech level 14 at the end of the era. Two of their worlds were responsible for the full destruction of the 45th world at the end of the Duldrums era.

The Serene Republics, a union of the various largely similar theocratic societies that rose up from the ashes of their worlds after their Corporations fell. Comprised of 4 worlds and their dependent colonies, with a population of 300 billion. Although nominally democratic, it is religion that keeps the societies of these worlds together, their religion is a weird amalgamation of Christian and Buddhist beliefs in regards to the need of self control in order to attain ascendancy to a higher plane of existence. However this philosophy was twisted in the Corporation wars and the Duldrums era, poisoning a large part of the populace with a belief of supremacy over other humans. This belief escalated into the war that led to the destruction of the 45th human world at the end of the Duldrums era, a world which followed a militant approach of this philosophy. They have the smallest territory, population and industrial capacity but somehow the end of the Buildup era found them to be at the early stages of tech level 16. They are not welcoming to anyone but are very hostile to the Commonwealth.

Tech level 16 is important because it is marked as the tech level in which telepathy is unlocked.

The Buildup era is followed by the Unification war which started from a prolonged border skirmish between Hegemony and Commonwealth forces. The war was limited between these two factions for two full years before the Serene Republics launched a surprise attack against the Commonwealth. The Republics attacked with overwhelming force, what they lacked in numbers they made up with advanced technology, in less than six months they had overwhelmed and captured two Commonwealth worlds before the Commonwealth sued for peace. Accepting nothing but the unconditional surrender of the entirely of the Commonwealth the war continued unabated until the Commonwealth was no more, with their worlds split between the Hegemony (3 Worlds) and the Serene Republics (10 worlds). The Serene Republics demanded the Hegemony to abandon the Commonwealth worlds in controlled but due to popular pressure the Hegemony elected to fight for them as news of the brutal suppression and in some cases outright genocide of the Commonwealth populace by the religious zealots of the Serene Republics was easy to observe via ansimble technology.

The war continued between the Hegemony and the Serene Republics, the Hegemony was a tougher nut to crack than the Commonwealth which fought in two fronts at once but the fanatical Republics elected to make a show of force and torched 2 Hegemony worlds that proved to be too difficult to capture. The Trade Union intervened in favor of the Hegemony but ended up having 2 of their own worlds destroyed.

By 3116 both the Hegemony and the Trade Union were about to collapse but the four riders rode out from the Old Worlds and 3 more worlds were annihilated at their wake.

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Tue Mar 01, 2016 5:48 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
NuclearIceCream wrote:
I think a confederation is the direction the TCA was actually heading in cannon. And why would it be an upgraded feudal society? The USA was a confederation before the constitution was written.


Er, as far as I know in Arioch's Terran cannon, governmental types besides Democracy were not supposed to survive to the beginning of the story. Democracy leaves the rest in the dust.

Confederation is the upgraded form of Feudalism, Arioch has confirmed that the Loroi have a Feudal society. Feudalism is bad, Confederation is... slightly less of a handicap.

Federation is the upgraded form of Democracy, Ariock has the confirmed that the Terrans have a Democratic society. Democracy is awesome, Federation is game breakingly awesome.

I think the key point to take away there NuclearIceCream is that the United States was a loose confederation of states before they "upgraded" to democracy. The loose confederation of states was by design incredibly weak, ineffectual, inefficient and therefore couldn't do much of anything, hence the necessary upgrade. For the Terrans to go from Democracy to Confederacy would be a very significant downgrade.

In Master of Orion 2, Democracy (and it's upgraded form, Federation) government pick is so powerful is is usually banned in multiplayer games. Most people stick with the weaker, but less cheesy Feudal, Unification or Dictatorship government picks.

Here is a link to the MOO2 web page explaining governmental types: http://strategywiki.org/wiki/Master_of_Orion_II:_Battle_at_Antares/Race_design_options#Government_.28empire-based.29

Here is a link to the new Master of Orion game which came out on Steam recently, if you get it, you can get master of Orion 1, Master of Orion 2, and the new revamped Master of Orion: http://store.steampowered.com/app/298050/

PS. Looks like Dragoonfa is going with what I was thinking it would take for a confederation to take hold: disastrous, world ending conflict. I guess the Terrans have come a long way from their "Hobbit" like roots, as Arioch described them. Holy poop, theocracy?

PPS. Concerning
Quote:
Tech level 16 is important because it is marked as the tech level in which telepathy is unlocked.
Where is it stated that Telepathy is unlocked at TL 16? GURPS lists it as unlocked at TL 9, and Master of Orion unlocks Telepathy and Psionics at early levels of the Biology tech tree. I have not seen Arioch's listing of Telepathy unlocking anywhere, did I miss something?


Last edited by Grayhome on Tue Mar 01, 2016 6:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Tue Mar 01, 2016 5:50 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
Grayhome wrote:

PPS. Concerning
Quote:
Tech level 16 is important because it is marked as the tech level in which telepathy is unlocked.
Where is it stated that Telepathy is unlocked at TL 16? GURPS lists it as unlocked at TL 9, and Master of Orion unlocks Telepathy and Psionics at early levels of the Biology tech tree. I have not seen Arioch's listing of Telepathy unlocking anywhere, did I miss something?


Outsider uses a modified GURPS in which the Historians who are up to tech level 12 don't seem to have telepathy. The same can be told about the Dreiman who were somewhere around tech level 14 iirc. The only known faction who had Telepathy are the Soians who were at least tech level 15.

I elected to put the threshold at tech level 16 because as a fan fic writer I have the discretion of changing a few facts in order to benefit the story :P

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Tue Mar 01, 2016 6:07 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
Quote:
Outsider uses a modified GURPS in which the Historians who are up to tech level 12 don't seem to have telepathy. The same can be told about the Dreiman who were somewhere between around tech level 14 iirc. The only known faction who had Telepathy are the Soians who were at least tech level 15.


Ah, but Arioch has stated that there was a moon (or other planetoid, can't quite remember) that the Dreiman had moved around by unknown means. I took that as a hint for massive psychokinetic force.

Anywho, awesome story building and I cannot wait to read more.


Tue Mar 01, 2016 6:17 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
Grayhome wrote:
Quote:
Outsider uses a modified GURPS in which the Historians who are up to tech level 12 don't seem to have telepathy. The same can be told about the Dreiman who were somewhere between around tech level 14 iirc. The only known faction who had Telepathy are the Soians who were at least tech level 15.


Ah, but Arioch has stated that there was a moon (or other planetoid, can't quite remember) that the Dreiman had moved around by unknown means. I took that as a hint for massive psychokinetic force.

Anywho, awesome story building and I cannot wait to read more.


Tractor beams are tech level 11, their tech level 14 evolution could be enough to do that.

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Tue Mar 01, 2016 6:56 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
As you say, such mundane methods might suffice. Yet I hold out hope for an alternative mechanism of more troubling implication.

Been playing too much Darkest Dungeon, everything I read is in the Ancestor's voice. Such dulcet tones!


Tue Mar 01, 2016 7:30 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
Grayhome wrote:
Er, as far as I know in Arioch's Terran cannon, governmental types besides Democracy were not supposed to survive to the beginning of the story. Democracy leaves the rest in the dust.


Uhm... You can have a democratic confederation.


Tue Mar 01, 2016 8:49 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
Grayhome wrote:
NuclearIceCream wrote:
I think a confederation is the direction the TCA was actually heading in cannon. And why would it be an upgraded feudal society? The USA was a confederation before the constitution was written.


Er, as far as I know in Arioch's Terran cannon, governmental types besides Democracy were not supposed to survive to the beginning of the story. Democracy leaves the rest in the dust.

Confederation is the upgraded form of Feudalism, Arioch has confirmed that the Loroi have a Feudal society. Feudalism is bad, Confederation is... slightly less of a handicap.

Federation is the upgraded form of Democracy, Ariock has the confirmed that the Terrans have a Democratic society. Democracy is awesome, Federation is game breakingly awesome.
That's MoO. Outsider, and thereby this fan-fic, is inspired by MoO, but you should not assume that what's true in MoO is true in either this fan-fic OR Outsider. In the real-world, for example, North Korea has a word translating as "Democratic" in it's name, but in many ways is actually Feudal. Words should not be trusted to actually mean anything in particular, because often they're used for propaganda purposes only.

Also, were it not that there are probably some historical aspects to it, I suspect that the Loroi Union would be more of a Stratocracy than Feudalistic (though you'll never entirely get rid of Feudalism in species such as Humans and Loroi that naturally drift towards some strength or another of tribe).

Grayhome wrote:
I think the key point to take away there NuclearIceCream is that the United States was a loose confederation of states before they "upgraded" to democracy. The loose confederation of states was by design incredibly weak, ineffectual, inefficient and therefore couldn't do much of anything, hence the necessary upgrade. For the Terrans to go from Democracy to Confederacy would be a very significant downgrade.
Outside of the naive and simplistic concerns of any particular game, whether it's a downgrade depends on several things, including your goals. If you want to strengthen your family's/tribe's/etc grip on power, then Feudalism is a great choice, because it establishes a set of circumstances that reduce the vulnerability of your power base; at the same time, it can tend to break down if internal population ratios become imbalanced, reciprocity between levels is perceived to have collapsed, or external factors act contrary to the established circumstances. If your goal is to fight some enemy, or obtain some goal, or something else then some form of Dictatorship is great, because it concentrates authority in a very small part of the population, thereby reducing productivity-losses caused by distraction; at the same time, it can tend to break down if the passage of time reduces the leadership's understanding of the current state of things, a perception of the collapse of reciprocity between levels, and general failure or incompetence. If your goal is to keep the government aligned with the citizenry, then Democracy is a great choice, because that's roughly what it's designed around; at the same time, it is prone to instability via either backlash or a lack of understanding on the part of the citizenry, an inability to focus on problems due to the dispersion of authority, and a general complication of any action.

What decides which one is best isn't what the general system is, but instead what the goals, circumstances, and cultural tendencies are.

As for the US, it currently is in a Confederation: it goes by the name of the UN, and has done a decent job of fulfilling it's intent of acting as a forum of democracy and diplomacy. It's current form isn't suited to fighting off an alien invasion, or even keeping Russia from muscling around everyone that it can, but the UN was never intended for such things. Similarly, the current US Federal government was designed to compensate for certain weaknesses encountered during the US Revolutionary War, primary among them being the relative lack of organization among the various US armed groups.

Grayhome wrote:
PS. Looks like Dragoonfa is going with what I was thinking it would take for a confederation to take hold: disastrous, world ending conflict.
If you really want a Confederation to take the reigns from a Federation, then what you really need is for the high-level government to display clear misbehavior or maladaptation at the same time as the sub-governments have the ability to replace it (simple things like communications lag can do this: hard to properly govern a colony when a one-way trip can take a month, or maybe even a week, so you decentralize: the ansible, however, counters this), at the same time that there's no compelling reason to retain the more centralized form (a nasty enemy can sometimes be the only thing keeping a dictator's head on).

That's not quite what happened here, though: what happened here is that the 5 Garden-world colonies successfully rebelled, then the new colonies that they and the... let's call them "Old Terrans" formed rebelled in turn. Seeing their irrelevance on the horizon, they created the Confederation (the "New Terrans") from scratch, but because they didn't want to be ruled by each other they opted for only a Confederation: probably just as well, since it reduces the chances of one group's governmental failings dragging down all of them, as can happen in e.g. America's Federation. Afterwards there was more war, their only technological competitor started to win a fight against everyone else, and judging by implication the New Terrans once again saw the writing on the wall, and torched 3 planets to bring the war to a screeching halt: I assume these were all original Serene Republic worlds, as it's difficult to imagine anything except for a cold-war or hot-war emerging from any other option.

Also, I'd really suggest using "sphere" (in the approximate sense of "Earth Sphere" and similar, basically empires, hegemonies, and similar multiple-sub-component population groupings in some sense focused around a somehow-distinct core) or something similar when referring to "a world and it's dependent colonies". Using "world" everywhere makes it hard to grasp whether you mean an individual planet, or also mean the other population centers associated with it: the diligence of the Commonwealth and Serene Republics completely changes depending on whether they were wiping out only the primary planet(s) within each "world", or were destroying all accessible population centers when they did it.

Grayhome wrote:
I guess the Terrans have come a long way from their "Hobbit" like roots, as Arioch described them. Holy poop, theocracy?
Show me a theocrat, and I'll show you someone who took a sharpie to all of their holy books. It's honestly just an exaggerated form of party system, or nationalism, or of any of a number of other things. This one looks to be a variant of nationalism, after being twisted out of shape by war, history, and a strong conviction that people should do the Right thing instead of the Easy or Greedy thing. The Commonwealth appears to be a theocracy of sorts as well, but based around Humanism + Communism or something of the sort, instead of Christianity + Buddhism.

The ones that are not corrupt are often the harshest, because of that very lack of corruption.


dragoongfa wrote:
Grayhome wrote:
Quote:
Outsider uses a modified GURPS in which the Historians who are up to tech level 12 don't seem to have telepathy. The same can be told about the Dreiman who were somewhere between around tech level 14 iirc. The only known faction who had Telepathy are the Soians who were at least tech level 15.


Ah, but Arioch has stated that there was a moon (or other planetoid, can't quite remember) that the Dreiman had moved around by unknown means. I took that as a hint for massive psychokinetic force.

Anywho, awesome story building and I cannot wait to read more.


Tractor beams are tech level 11, their tech level 14 evolution could be enough to do that.
Also, if you built an inertial distributor system of sufficient reach, you could move a planet (or star, or...) with literally no facilities being placed on the planet in question.


Grayhome wrote:
As you say, such mundane methods might suffice. Yet I hold out hope for an alternative mechanism of more troubling implication.

Been playing too much Darkest Dungeon, everything I read is in the Ancestor's voice. Such dulcet tones!
Troubling implications? Ok, they moved it using a stable wormhole. To understand how this has troubling implications, imagine carrying one end in a freighter orbiting an enemy planet, and throwing the other end (which, remember, is stable even when things are moving through it) into a star.

Telepaths sleep, wormholes don't.


Tue Mar 01, 2016 8:58 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
I wonder how the Loroi would have treated Alex if he looked like more alluring or pleasant to the eye than a common Loroi male. That would make a good fanfic.


Tue Mar 01, 2016 9:22 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
We'll have to agree to disagree with most of these talking points dragoonfa.


Wed Mar 02, 2016 3:13 am
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
@Absalom, you got most of my thinking down right.

I use the 'Worlds' instead of 'Nations' or just sphere of influence in order to force a sense of alienation to the reader in regards to the meaning since for us its a misnomer.

The dictionary definition of the word 'World' gained a new meaning sometime in the late Corp seeding era. Each World is in essence a relatively solid nation, ideologically and culturally. Dependent colonies doesn't mean just not self sustaining colonies relying on the parent planet but every colony that politically aligns itself with the capital planet which also provides the name of its 'World'. By year 3000, not everyone who is an 'Earther' is actually from Earth proper, they may be from Mars, Venus, Aldea and etc; they are Earthers because they are citizens of the World of Earth, planet Earth being just the capital.

By that time some of the Worlds had several Garden worlds under them, all of them united under the single cultural banner. As such, each such World may have multiple self sustaining colonies but since they are all culturally and ideologically related it was far easier for them to remain under a single banner for economic and security reasons.

This is true for the Old Worlds as well, by tech level 14 and 15 they were able to fully terraform several planets who became self sustainable due to this, hell many Dysonian space stations are fully self sustainable by that point.

What does this mean for those destroyed 'Worlds'?

It means that those who did it, destroyed everything self sustainable; the entirety of the industrial base while killing the vast majority of the population. This means the capital, the colonies and the dysonian space stations if they applied.

EDIT: I should add that most 'Worlds' would be considered captured if the capital itself fell, since in order for that to happen most of their colonies would have had to be knocked out of the fight one way or the other. What happened to any remaining dependents is down to circumstance.

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Wed Mar 02, 2016 4:43 am
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
Not to naysay but I hope an explanation is eventually offered for Alex' being an apparent Marty Stu...

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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
He is as much of a 'Marty Stu' as every other human by that point:

Theoretically immortal (aging is a thing of the past), telepathic, telekinetic, eidetic and with an average IQ of 150 (genetic upgrades which make the current average seem retarded in comparison).

He looks and sounds like a 'Marty Stu' because he is a Senator of the Terran Confederation which now is the unified body of the entirety of humanity.

The fun thing is that I aim for him looking like this at first, a visage that may shatter in chapter 4 if what I have in mind pans out properly.

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Wed Mar 02, 2016 5:21 am
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
Why do I have the suspicion Alex is going to make his personal mission in this fic to drive Stillstorm to drink? :lol:


Wed Mar 02, 2016 9:40 am
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
Hm... I am sorry, but that is just too much over the top for me. Nevertheless, its well written.

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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
Not a huge fan of "Humanity, F- Yeah!" stories myself, but I figured I'd give it a skim...until I bumped into the part where Humanity is at Tech Level 16.

Congrats!

Spoiler: show
Image


More seriously, I shall now offer some criticism that I hope will be constructive. Feel free to ignore it at your leisure, of course.

As a fellow writer I can understand the temptation of throwing a new version of Humanity into the Outsider universe, especially one strong enough to enforce its neutrality. I've made outlines for two stories almost exactly like that. Unfortunately, you could have achieved this just by making them Tech Level 12.

Because you put Humanity at TL 16, you've really go nowhere to go with this story from a narrative standpoint, because there are no real challenges for them to overcome. They can solo Umiak fleets, you've already given them the moral high ground by having the Loroi act like jerks, and even in a physical battle they're pretty much guaranteed to win. There's no suspense, and any personal virtues this version of Alex might have aren't going to show through because he'll never actually have to work for his victories.

The idea of Humanity as the true identity of the Soia is an interesting one, but that doesn't stop the story from being a glorified shooting gallery so long as they have their insane technological advantage. The story itself has no major flaws besides this, which is what makes the TL problem so obvious, sadly.

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