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From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction) 
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Post From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)
Hey, I wrote this out in about an hour and I havent edited yet.

With that excuse out of the way. Here's the first part of my story.

Let me know what you think so far.

Happy Fourth Of July.


Tue Jul 04, 2017 9:03 pm
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Post Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)
“You know what to do…”

The voice receded as HT comfortably lowered herself to face away from the control panel. The walls shook lightly as she did so; their glow flickering as they rumbled quietly along with the humming drone of the engine.

HT cursed the sound as she forced herself awake, bracing herself to exit and smell the atmosphere.



Selam stalked along the forest floor as the black dirt beneath grew darker still in the growing shadow of the moonlit canopy.

Quickly, her body instinctively fell to the ground, electrically reacting to the roar of sound that impacted through her body as angry red and orange lights sharply outlined the form of the canopy above.

Summoning her courage, Selam lifted her gaze upward and saw a blinding light arc across the night air, emptying the sky of it’s field of stars for an instant as it’s roar receded further and further into the forest.

Eventually, the light disappeared beneath the canopy only visible now through the bright orange reflections of dazzling light that boldly colored roiling clouds until…

It just stopped, the sound, the light. As if it had never happened in the first place.
Selam herself might not have believed she ever saw it if it were not for the powerful drumming of her heart and her ringing ears.

The panicked sounds of the birds and assorted animals continued to drown out the previous silence as Selam ran through the night,
towards that gleaming light from the heavens.


Last edited by White on Sun Jul 09, 2017 2:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.



Tue Jul 04, 2017 9:03 pm
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Post Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)
This is ... short.
I don't know the characters, nor why the starship (?) landed on a planet where (at least) some apparently have never seen a starship before.
I lack context, for now.

But please, continue!

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Wed Jul 05, 2017 3:03 am
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Post Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)
A drop of sweat hung off the precipice of Angus’ nose, swinging about with his every movement and causing an itch as he leaned heavily against a nearby tree. His palm pressed against the rough bark as he breathed heavily with his head bent down.

Angus’ wet hair stuck to his forehead before a hand came to roughly knead it, squeezing it into his scalp.

Angus let his head loll about, rolling with the rough and clumsy shoves the, now two, hands applied as his scowl deepened.

“Come on,” a young, boyish sounding, voice said from behind him as his head was shoved slightly more roughly forward.

“Come on,” the voice said again, in that exact same calm, almost disinterested, yet goading, tone as before.

“We don’t have all day, you know,” the voice whined.

Angus breathed deeply through his nostrils, exhaling slowly as he pushed himself away from the tree with his hand and stumbled to a shaky stand.

“Why did I come out here?” he said, leaning over and resting his hands on his knees as he continued panting.

“Why, to get some fresh air and take in the amazing scenery, of course” the voice answered.

“First of all,” Angus wheezed, “a hundred degree heat and ninety five humidity aren’t what I’d call refreshing,” he said moving one hand from his knee to peel his shirt off of his chest.

“Second of all,” he continued, “why did I let you talk me into this?”

“Because I’m your sister and you love me,” the voice answered sweetly as Angus rolled his eyes.

“Aren’t you supposed to be older than me?” he quipped back with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh, stop being such a downer,” she continued on, “maybe you’d enjoy this more if you were in shape,” she said as Angus felt a finger poke painfully into his side.

“Ok, that’s it!” Angus reared up, spreading his arms apart.
“Get off!” Angus said as he felt his sister's legs unwrap from around his waist.

She fell to the ground with a dampened thud as her boots impacted the black dirt. Quickly, she hopped up onto her toes and posed, awkwardly, with her hands wide apart and in the air as if she were a gymnast.

“And she sticks the landing! Allison Wiley has won gold for the third time this year. It is absolutely unbelievable, folks!” Allison yelled as her landing form promptly deteriorated into an awkward victory jig while her smile morphed into an intense face of excitement as she shut her eyes and bent forward to talk into the imaginary microphone in her grip.

Her twirling dance brought her face to face with Angus’ unamused face and crossed arms.

“Oh, come on,” Allison waved her hand at him while leaning forward.

“We’re on a safari!” she yelled gesturing with open arms to the grove of trees surrounding them.

“Keep it quiet would you!” Angus hissed as he instinctively shrugged his shoulders and looked about, shyly.

“I couldn’t let you spend our whole vacation at the hotel,” she giggled. “And there’s no one here, you know.”

“Vacations are supposed to be fun,” Angus replied curtly, “not obligatory.”

“Being at the resort,” he continued, “ is fun, and there’s air conditioning there,” he said pumping his shirt with one hand.

“Think of the adventure, though,” Allison continued. “We’ve never been in here before,” she said spinning to look at the scenery around them with wonderment in her eyes,

“We’d never been at that hotel before either,” Angus replied dryly, looking unimpressed at his surroundings.

“Seriously? You need to-” Allison fell quiet as she stumbled in her twirl when she came about to face Angus.

“Angus?” she said looking cautiously at the tree line surrounding the trail as she took tentative, confused steps towards where Angus stood, just moments ago.

“Angus, Bro, are you around here?” she said, her voice growing increasingly nervous.

“Angus!” she yelled, her voice swallowed by the surrounding forest. The tree line seeming more ominous as it caged her in the trail.

Allison peeked past the bars of wood into the dark, shadowed, undergrowth beyond, searching quietly for her brother.


Last edited by White on Sun Jul 09, 2017 3:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Sat Jul 08, 2017 3:51 pm
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Post Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)
Huh?

I'm a bit confused...
Is this a third viewpoint?

Still waiting how the story develops...
:)

(You are starting to make me curious... )

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Sat Jul 08, 2017 11:27 pm
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Post Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)
She looked ahead in contentment, watching the rolling fields of her homeland stretch, unbroken, to the horizon ahead, where the rising star painted the blue canvas of plant life in rich hues of red and gold.

She smiled, uncontrollably, as if in a drugged euphoria, at the sight as she calmly ambled along the flat terrain, towards a large and beautifully twisted tree in the distance, whose pure white skin shone resplendently in the light of the rising sun, almost twinkling as it’s intricate set of barren branches reflected light onto themselves.

The air hung in place, warm and drifting slightly. In the current, motes of red dust and sapphire pollen danced lazily to and fro, hanging low over the ground as her movement past pushed them into swirling frenzies before they quickly slowed back into their slow drifting.

She walked slowly and comfortably along toward the shining tree.

The hardy vegetation crunched beneath her feet, dry and slightly discolored, as the tip of the long and jagged shadow of the tree lay at her feet.

Smiling up at the tree, she continued onward, letting the reflected light bathe onto her back as she hurried towards her goal.

Retracting her senses and quieting her contentment, she quickly walked past the invisible boundary of the community, relaxing further as the air of calmness surrounded and coddled itself around her.

Walking past several houses, she traveled the worn path of flattened plant life toward the river, where she lifted the water to herself for a drink.

She turned away from the rocky, shadowed, depths of the clear river and wondered aloud where her sister was.

Her sister stood on her toes, scowling annoyingly, at a “rival” of hers she was trying to intimidate.

The cute attempt at faux fighting between the sister and her friend sent a round of quiet snickers through the bored onlooker, preparing for her day.

With her sister’s irritations forgotten, she headed over to her location, the cluster of quiet houses growing denser as she headed inward from the edges of the small hamlet.

Making sure to keep the river close by, she stalked along the flattened grass paths of the town before stopping at the at the bridge and turning away from the sound of running water.

Now walking quietly along the maze of alleyways and streets, she stopped at the corner around which she knew her sister to be. Wondering what her sister was up to, she moved closer toward the edge of the corner, hiding herself completely behind the house that formed the corner.

Her sister paced about the spot she stood in earlier, kicking angrily at a pebble in the grass and scowling as she fumed at some silly argument she must have had with the other girl.

Smiling, she took note of her sister's position and the opportunity it presented her.

Tearing a chunk of earth from the ground in front of her, she balled it up and cupped the dirt ball delicately in one hand.

Focusing, she felt…not quite a pressure across her body, more of a change in the texture of her flesh, a hardening.

Her stomach bubbled in that familiar, giddy, excitement as she felt herself rise onto the tips of her toes.

Stopping there, she stood, weightless on the last vestiges of contact she had with the ground.

Breathing deeply, with an unbounded, almost maniacal, smile on her face, she exhaled quickly as she curled her legs into her body and hung there, floating still as if she were a dust particle in the morning air.

She felt her body rhythmically float back and forth at that imagery before she brought the motions under control and steadied herself.

The butterflies in her stomach only intensified with the change in texture she felt across her body, growing further into a wild frenzy of ticklish excitement as she slowly began to ascend upwards.

Silencing her thoughts and focusing, she rose as she saw the blue, thatched roof of the nearby house fall beneath her eye line.

Stopping her ascent, she smoothly rotated her body to face down into the sloped roof below her whilst she extended her legs fully behind her as if she were lying on her belly, which, in a sense, she was.

Reaching downwards with her unoccupied hand, she grabbed hold of the roof and pushed herself forward.

Easily, she began to coast along at a slow and steady rate, inbound to her sister's position.

A very light and warm breeze slid along her face as she drew ever nearer toward her sister’s pacing form.

Following her sisters movements with her eyes while at the same time keeping her sister out of her thoughts, she felt her hand twitch in anticipation as the dirt ball lay heavy on her palm.

Narrowing her focus, she controlled her breathing, licked her drying lips and noted, hoped, that her shadow was far enough behind her to go unnoticed.

She quickly glanced back at where her long shadow ought to lay, and felt her neck whip back as she was struck, hard, on the cheek.

Dropping the dirt ball in confusion, she moved to wipe her eyes instinctively, catching a glimpse of the hail of brown blurs zipping in towards her location, as well as the floating pile of dirt from which more were being formed.

Her sister’s triumph echoed through the street as the compacted dirt balls hammered into her body, stopping her gentle cruise along the air and quickly pushing her back to the roof. Feeling a sprain run up her side as her rib cage bent too much for comfort, she cradled her bruised side and tried to catch her breath.

Quickly erecting a shield, she sued for mercy whilst her sister gloated.

The assault stopped after a moment, accompanied by a declaration of pity, loud and self congratulatory enough to make her eyes roll.

Rotating in her flight, she sent a glare at the laughing onlooker who had decided to warn her sister.

Making a note to keep track of private transmissions next time she tried something like this, she turned back and deactivated her shield as the semi sphere wall of dirt stuck to it fell to the ground, sending up a sizable cloud of dust and colorful plant bits that hung in the air.

On the other side of her former shield floated her sister, smiling widely as she teased her over the loss.

Rolling her eyes, she quickly shot upward into the air, beckoning for her sister to follow.

The feeling of vertigo increased as the unobstructed landscape below her filled her vision.

Her sister followed behind her, matching her every move as she received instructions on what to do.

Zipping along the rooftops she brushed over a blue thatched roof before turning into a sudden dive, flattening her courese and winding quickly to the side once she had reached the river.

She let herself go and saw the surface of the water rush up to meet her.

Quickly, she decelerated as she impacted into the water below, feeling the cooling water rush past her body and clean off the dirt and muck.

After calmly floating in the river for a moment, she blasted out of the water with a splash, startling her sister, as she flew higher and higher still into the air, stopping to hover in the air as she looked up at the blue sky and daytime moons, afraid to look down.

Of course, as always, her sister would catch up and convince her to do so, anyway.

And she never regretted looking down at her home. The sight was breathtaking.

The plant life, waving and swirling with the slight wind that had picked up, never failed to look like a textured, dynamic reflection of the sky above. The lazily flowing river, that snaked it’s way through the picture glittered gold and orange in the morning light, as if it were a river of embers.

And the centerpiece of this, was the steadily shining tree that stood on the outskirts of town. Lighting on the surrounding land, it looked like a shining gem, embedded into the landscape from above.

Letting gravity take hold, she relaxed as she immediately began to slowly fall. The wind rushed past her at increasing speed, deafening her as the ground rose quickly to meet her.

Grabbing her body, she pulled back and arced her path to swoop over the land before climbing high once more, curving and snaking her way through the sky in every which direction as her arms extended to her side like wings, being guided and pushed by the air currents flowing past.

She felt her blood rush and pool as she pulled into and out of dives, zig zagged and swirled her way through the air, her eyes shielded from the rushing wind, allowing her to see the land turn and flash by beneath her in perfect clarity.

Taking one last deep breath, she smiled as she quickly and nimbly turned upward, her body slamming into the invisible wall that guided her on that quick arc.

From there, lay the straight away, however. Quickly, she began to climb, picking up speed at a steady clip.

Her hear drummed and the wind rushed as she rose up faster, and faster, and faster…
Her sister slowed, straining to keep up.

A warm feeling surrounded the sister’s body as she grabbed hold of her and pulled her along.

Thankful, though slightly embarrassed, her sister accepted the help and continued onward, trying to hide the nervousness that came with not fully controlling your movements.

Smiling at this, she let go of them once more and shivered slightly at that feeling of nakedness that came after a flight.

Her stomach tumbled along with her body as she slowly turned in the air while continuing to rise in her fall.

She smiled as her sister gleefully yipped in a yell that couldn’t be heard over the rushing air.

As she completed one forward turn of her body and was facing the sky once more, she stopped and hung in the air for a moment basking in the cold silence before the wind began to pick up once more, in the opposite direction.

Steadying herself and grabbing a light hold of her sister, she closed her eyes and hummed a light tune as she let them fall.

She directed her thoughts to her sister, noticing to the most minute details the layout of the land below as it sparkled brightly in her mind from the teeming insects and animals that crawled and hopped along it.

Her sister giggled and congratulated her once more, rolling her eyes once she began to count the different kinds of animals she could notice.

Ignoring the animals for now, she blocked the thoughts from her mind. She’d land by memory today, she decided, starting another wave of sarcastic admiration in her sister.

Steadily and precisely, she zipped her and her sister along the sky, toward the shining tree.

Guided by her vibrant memory of the tree, as well as the assurance and skill that the memories of those that came before her gave, she casually guided the two of them next to the tree and set them on the ground gently.

Her sister clapped and headed home, nurturing a headache.

She followed along, her eyes still closed.

Her sister opted not to bring it up, instead listening.
She saw, behind her eyelids...something that wasn’t quite like seeing.

She knew behind her eyelids, without a point of view or perspective, the locations and vibrant hues of the animals and people that made up the world around her.

Something most people couldn’t imagine to the extent she experienced it. Something, that seemed more real to her than what she saw, a more authentic picture of the world.

Which was why when she entered town and a shining person streaked through the sky, her first thought was to wonder what sort of prank this was meant to be.

Quickly dismissing the idea as she sensed the sensitivity of every person around her. She sensed them recoil at the sight of the bright figure as it gently wisped through the air above, quickly moving away from them as a trail of light followed behid it.

She desperately scanned the area, where the people saw it, disturbed as she saw only an empty spot, deeply dark and surrounded by panicking insects that rushed to move away from it, which only darkened the area further.

Suddenly, a shock of distorted light headed towards them.

In a flash, she grabbed hold of her sister then herself in a shield, turning and opening her eyes to catch a glimpse of the shock wave before she whipped her sister close to her and surrounded them in an opaque shield.

They sat, curled on the ground in the dark, only able to hear eachother’s breathing as her sister helped to reinforce the shield and recovered from her ringing ears and stuffed nose at having been moved so quickly.

Tentatively adjusting the scrambler set up inside the shield, information from the outside world began to stream through.

They simultaneously breathed a sigh of relief as glimpses of the past shock wave washing over the village and gently heating and drying the air, but otherwise leaving everyone unharmed came through.

The beautiful, terrifying, unimportant, event stuck itself into her mind.

She didn’t know why, but she felt...


Tue Jul 11, 2017 5:43 pm
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Post Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)
This... feels superfluous.
Okay, "she and her sister" can fly by telekinesis, or similar.
Rather long story for a felt nothing.

First, "she" walks to the shining tree, then she watches her sister and a friend play at the river, then she sttacks her sister by flying with a dirtball over the roof,(why is the sister not outside anymoe? - how much time has passed?)...
The changes are disorienting and too abrupt.
I'm not clear whether all the "she" are even the same person....


This is just disorienting, and uses far too much text to transport some news....
you've opened so many questions already, that I've lost interest in the solutions. I'm feeling overwhelmed by the tidbits of info.

I'll continue reading, it's not as if I'll be very busy readin new Outsider pages... ;)

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Wed Jul 12, 2017 1:04 pm
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Post Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)
I'm having a hard time reading this, and I think part of it is the presentation. You've got a lot of run-on sentences, and a lot of excessive use of commas. On top of that, I think you've broken up your paragraphs too much. The prose also gets a little purple for my taste in places. There's also some inconsistency, in one line you describe the character as walking slowly, then two lines later, she's hurrying. They don't really fit together.

In trying to give the story a chance so I could comment on the content rather than the style, I started trying to reorganize it along the lines above. I'll include a snippet for illustrative purposes. I hope this is not presumptive.

Spoiler: show
She looked ahead in contentment, watching the rolling fields of her homeland stretch unbroken to the horizon. There the rising star painted the blue canvas of plant life in rich hues of red and gold. She walked towards a large and beautifully twisted tree in the distance, it's pure white skin shining in the light of the rising star, intricate set of barren branches almost twinkling. She smiled smiling uncontrollably at the sight, as if in a drugged euphoria, as she ambled towards it.

The air hung in place, warm and drifting slightly. Motes of red dust and sapphire pollen danced lazily to and fro in the current, hanging low over the ground as her movement past pushed them into swirling frenzies, then quickly slowed back into their lazy drifting.

She walked slowly and comfortably along toward the shining tree. Dry and slightly discolored vegetation crunched beneath her feet as the tip of the long and jagged shadow of the tree touched them. Smiling up at the tree, she let the reflected light fall onto her back as she continued towards her goal.

Retracting her senses and quieting her contentment she quickly walked past the invisible boundary of the community, relaxing further as the air of calmness surrounded and coddled itself around her. She traveled the worn path of flattened plant life past several houses and toward the river. She lifted the water to herself for a drink, then turned away from the depths of the clear river to wonder aloud where her sister was.

vs
Spoiler: show
She looked ahead in contentment, watching the rolling fields of her homeland stretch, unbroken, to the horizon ahead, where the rising star painted the blue canvas of plant life in rich hues of red and gold.

She smiled, uncontrollably, as if in a drugged euphoria, at the sight as she calmly ambled along the flat terrain, towards a large and beautifully twisted tree in the distance, whose pure white skin shone resplendently in the light of the rising sun, almost twinkling as it’s intricate set of barren branches reflected light onto themselves.

The air hung in place, warm and drifting slightly. In the current, motes of red dust and sapphire pollen danced lazily to and fro, hanging low over the ground as her movement past pushed them into swirling frenzies before they quickly slowed back into their slow drifting.

She walked slowly and comfortably along toward the shining tree.

The hardy vegetation crunched beneath her feet, dry and slightly discolored, as the tip of the long and jagged shadow of the tree lay at her feet.

Smiling up at the tree, she continued onward, letting the reflected light bathe onto her back as she hurried towards her goal.

Retracting her senses and quieting her contentment, she quickly walked past the invisible boundary of the community, relaxing further as the air of calmness surrounded and coddled itself around her.

Walking past several houses, she traveled the worn path of flattened plant life toward the river, where she lifted the water to herself for a drink.

She turned away from the rocky, shadowed, depths of the clear river and wondered aloud where her sister was.

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Wed Jul 12, 2017 3:01 pm
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Post Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)
Fair, the chapter was really only meant to introduce the two characters and there was a lot of fluff. I might have gotten carried away 8-) .

As for the writing style, this particular chapter was meant to be written from the point of view of a Loroi, a lot of the setting description is actually a substitution for dialogue. I guess the concept fell flat.

In any case, thanks for the feedback. The Introductory chapters are written, so the story should be moving apace soon.

And the rest of the story should be written from a human pov, so small mercies, I suppose.


Wed Jul 12, 2017 3:12 pm
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Post Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)
Three different perspective changes with no interconnection, narrative, or actual story. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but that's how it reads at the moment.

There's the beginnings of something here, but jumping between multiple perspectives basically kills any potential momentum you might have had going.

I'm a bit too tired for a fully in-depth analysis , but if I were to briefly critique each portion:

Part 1:

What is HT? It's never defined, is too short to be a proper name, and is just... there.

It's a good opening, short, punchy, gets the readers attention, but then...

Part 2:

Change of perspective, with no follow through on the previous part.

We have two humans bantering. That's fine, but we have no sense of time or location. It could be 1948, 2048, or 2148. The only vague reference to a location is one character saying they're on a Safari, which suggests Africa, but you can go on Safari elsewhere too in my experience, so this is suspect at best.

About the only significant development is that one character mysteriously disappears. This would be a good opening too, if it were on its own and not a followup to the prior part which already served its purpose as an opening. Even so...

Part 3:

We get another change in perspective. At this point, any reader would be confused as to what is going on. It doesn't help that there isn't a single character name in this bit, nor is there a single bit of dialogue to break up the narrative. I'm assuming that that's deliberate; that these characters are presumably Loroi and haven't earned their names yet and the lack of dialogue is to signify telepathic communication. Even so, Loroi still have telepathic names even if they haven't yet earned a spoken name, and Sanzai can still be rendered as italicised speech even if it is a fairly dry method in comparison.

I will commend you on the length of this part, unlike the prior parts it's the right length to serve as more than an appetiser for any potential reader, but the apparent lack of direction for the narrative makes it all bit confusing. Are they witnessing the same event as in the first part, or a different event? As with the prior parts, there is no sense of time or location.

The apparent conflict between the two sisters feels hollow and generic without names, a location, history, or a sense of time and place. It's difficult for anyone to really care or relate to nameless characters.

If I had to nail down the main flaw in each of the parts, it's that there's plenty of actors, but very little stage for them to act on. Some worldbuilding would improve things very much, in addition to sticking with a particular perspective until the story has moved forward with them. The thing that crashed from another world or a character mysteriously disappearing is an inciting incident, the first step in a story, and you need to go beyond that first step and take the reader on a short walk that ends at a decisive point, a crossroads, a new mystery, an impending doom, a dilemma for the character to solve or muse upon in the next part. That's the safe point where you can change perspective to see how other characters in a different place are doing. Too soon and you cut things off without reader satisfaction. Too long and you risk exhausting the reader with needless detail.

By all means, continue writing, you get better with practice and I am curious as to where this is going.

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Post Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)
...like shit. Angus felt like shit.

Feeling as if someone had rubbed onion juice into his eyes, Angus, again, tried to crank his painfully teary eyes open a sliver, glimpsing a blurred landscape before he quickly shut them again, recoiling in pain.

Angus hunched forward on his knees, his muscles burning, his organs squeezed in pain and breathing pitiful wheezes through his snot clogged nose as he coughed and fell forward to support himself with his hands. His chest felt tight, as if he were being forced to exhale, hold his breath, and take little gasps of air to fill his empty his lungs.

His hands pressed into the firm,but deformable ground. Water rushed up to fill the hand-shaped indentations he formed as his tears dripped loudly into the newly formed puddles. Several more attempts at opening his eyes, accompanied with grunts and various curses, made it clear that to him that they weren’t opening.

“Hello?” Angus yelled, more out of habit than hope at this point, as the past however many requests had brought him nothing except silence. Angus grew worried, his heart sinking as he kept a paranoid ear out, and finally accepted that this wasn’t another prank of his sisters. She’d never done anything malicious.

Taking in a shaky breath, Angus shook his head and tried to think past the roar of pain and discomfort in his head. ‘Focus on your hands,” he repeated to himself, wriggling his fingers in their miniature puddles and making them into fists as he molded the firm, clay like, substance in between his fingers.

Accepting for the moment that his sister had nothing to do with this, Angus tried to assess his situation. Recalling that his sister was dancing around in front of him before he was plunged into blindness and pain, he gathered that his sister either couldn’t hear him or couldn’t respond for some reason. Briefly, he wondered if the lack of response was his sister's attempt at a warning to him that silence was the best policy at the moment. Shaking paranoid thoughts of predators and killers out of his head, Angus focused back on his environment. Keeping an ear out brought nothing but the alien sounds of the jungle. Was he in a sink hole? Maybe he passed out after he fell into one? Would his sister be alright?

If it were a sinkhole, he thought, it would have to be a shallow one, although it would probably be deep enough to reach some underground water source.

“How deep is the water table in a forest?” he mumbled to himself. Forest soil didn’t trap water well from what he could vaguely remember about tropical forests in his biology class. Although, sinkholes were caused by underground streams, so it wouldn’t necessarily have to be that deep in order for the ground to be this wet. Of course, this was IF he even was in a sinkhole, which he probably wasn’t, he thought dejectedly.

‘In any case, whatever happened, it’s best to stay still and wait for a search party” he thought as he lifted a sleeve to wipe tears from his stinging eyes, bringing the pain, once again, to the forefront of his mind.

“Damn it,” he cursed as his eyes watered further and he moved to put his arm back on the ground.

His hand landed on a slick outcropping of stone sticking out of the ground and slid out violently from under him. Face planting in the wet clay-like substance below him, Angus quickly rose back up, gasping for breath as the water rushed in to fill the cavity his face made in the ground. Blinking his eyes open, Angus’s annoyance quickly subsided as he realized the pain in his eyes was a fraction of what it was before.

His eyes widening in comprehension, he rushed to flush his eyes further with water from his makeshift and handsome, in his opinion, waterhole. After several minutes of washing out his eyes and sinuses, he snorted the last of the moisture from his nostrils and rose to breathe in deeply through his now de-clogged nose.

His face soaking with grey, smoky, water Angus stood up and looked down, twisting his neck and back to get a good look at himself, his spine cracking in waves of blissful release as he did so.

He shivered as he looked at the gash running down his Khaki shorts, imagining what his leg might have looked like if what ever had caused that had touched flesh. He stepped forward weakly, as if testing the leg and focused on the rest of his hiking gear. Thankfully, he actually didn’t look too bad. His jacket and backpack looked worn, but serviceable, while his boots looked almost new.

Breathing a sigh of relief, he scrunched his nose as he smelled a powerful, almost overwhelming, atmosphere of ozone surrounding him.

Looking around at the clearing he stood in, he blinked his eyes as the feeling of wrongness that was always on the periphery of his thoughts faced him, full force.

The first thing he noticed was the trees. Unlike the towering jungle plants that previously surrounded and shaded him, who’s tangled and intertwining branches weaved together to shadow the forest floor; these trees stood tall and straight, taking a much simpler shape as smooth, tapering, logs of wood stuck out of the ground, capped at the top with a wide, green, semi-sphere that shadowed their body like a natural umbrella. With this in mind, he was sure the white bark wasn’t because of girdling.

Oddly enough, he didn’t feel too strongly about this. Everything around him seemed quiet and washed out, as if he were watching it on video, far away from it all. Despite this, he felt...no, he knew that the actions he would take from here onward would be of monumental importance to his life and potentially that of countless others. He accepted that he was on a new portion of his life that he never dreamed of having, and that it was best to start by putting his best foot forward.

Taking a heavy, impactful step on the ground with his hiking boot, he felt the slight shock of the step run up his leg and energize his heart as his pants fell down.

“Damn it!” he cursed as he scrambled down to cover his heart dappled boxers.

Hopping slightly on one foot as he squatted down, he struggled to pull his khaki shorts up beyond his boots before his head quickly turned to look at a flash of movement in his peripherals. Focusing his eyes to the shadows under the roof of a domed tangle of dry, yellow branches, he saw a figure hiding in the darkness, lying low and shifting occasionally. Setting his foot down, Angus slowly pulled up his pants, keeping low to keep the figure in sight.

As if figuring out that it had been spotted, the figure rose higher and moved forward into the light.

Angus tilted his head and looked at the curious creature. It’s skin was yellow, tattooed all over with intricate, twisting, lines of black which never intersected. It’s head was smooth, stout and brutish; a large, boxy, braincase slowly tapered into an elongated, very pointed snout sticking out two feet from it’s body and suspending itself in the air while moving about fluidy. Furthermore, it was eyeless.

The snout turned to point at him and the head followed as the rest of the creature came to light. Stripes of light and shadow streaming through the yellow branches above it fell on it’s short neck and thick, muscular body, which itself tapered into a stiff, tail-like appendage at the rear. A singular, tree-trunk leg fell down from the middle of it’s body and connected to a large foot. This brought the creature to a height reaching Angus’ pelvis and was twice as long from snout to tail.

Angus bent down further, curiously observing the creature, looking at it’s chest for any signs of breathing and searching for any trace of eyes along it’s body.

The creature, took a short, heavy hop forward and brought more of itself into the light.

Angus took a reciprocal step forward and moved his head about, trying to get a good look at the moving, pointed tip of the creature’s snout for any trace of nostrils or some sort of breathing mechanism, as he had yet to see anything on this creature that wasn’t smooth skin.

As if powered by spring steel, the creature's snout burst open, unfurling like a flower to reveal a wet, glistening sapphire surface on the underside of each, tentacle like, “petal”. Dark black spikes stuck out haphazardly across the underside of the wriggling tentacles which now obscured the creatures face and body.

A deep black hole stood in the center of this horror show, where a long, onyx tongue wormed its way out to wave along with the tentacles.

Angus gripped onto the edge of his pants with one fist whilst the other waved about in his maniac run towards the other end of the clearing. His body’s aches long forgotten as fear coursed through his heart.

If he’d had the wherewithal, Angus might have noticed that his running was staggered and uneven, each of his steps coming down before he reached the ground before his practiced run cycle quickly adjusted to the slower pace. Of course, Angus’ mind was more preoccupied with cursing and the approaching thudding sound as the creature took off behind him. Still, it seemed as if everything was going in slow motion.

Angus ran past the forest edge and entered into a chaotic mess of blurring tree trunks and a minefield of roots littering the ground. Tightening his white knuckled grip on his shorts, he rushed forward, daring not to slow down as he could hear the monster tracking him.

Angus grew panicked after the second near collision with a tree trunk, his heart jolting as he knew any impact or miss step would leave him dead one way or another. Suddenly, his heart stopped as his foot caught back on something, tripping him and jerking back at his hip joint. Angus slammed his hands down roughly onto the ground and managed to keep running.

His heart beat violently at the thought of falling as his eyes drew themselves to the dangerous tangle of roots and debris littering the floor, obsessing over the dangers that lay there. Angus elected to jump higher with each step so as to minimize his chances of tripping as the monster hissed behind him, piercing his heart with fear.

Focusing back on the ground an instant before he landed, he saw that his foot was headed to land directly onto a small stone.

Grimacing prematurely, his body slipped out from under him and he collapsed onto the ground, catching himself on his arms. His momentum caused him to slide onward as he desperately tried to get up once more.

Falling to his side, his slide slowed to a stop as he looked back and saw the creature accelerate to his position in two hops. Angus froze, his leg shock still in the air as the creature’s tentacles flashed forward and wrapped themselves around it. The creature's leg planted itself in the ground and it prepared to pull back and cut at the object in its maw.

Angus shut his eyes, bringing his shoulder up defensively as he felt the stone cold pricks of the creature’s teeth touch it’s skin.

With fear coursing through his body, Angus made one last desperate wish, to be anywhere but here, to escape the creature which had already caught him, to run away.

Warm water rushed up Angus’ body causing him to choke as water flooded into his lungs. Angus instinctively stroked down and broke into air, gasping for breath before he bobbed back down into the water and settled into equilibrium, breathing heavily as he looked around at the pitch black surrounding him.

Angus gripped tighter onto his shorts as he kicked his legs and stroked with his remaining arm to tread water. He quickly hushed any momentary relief he should have felt as he muted his heavy breathing and looked carefully at the dark surroundings. He stayed still and quiet for an unknown amount of time before the sky parted and revealed a white light surrounded by a ring of thick clouds. The water around him shone to match the moon, reflecting the light in it’s many ripples as the light twinkled all around him.

Despite himself, he felt safe. He knew that the light meant that things could see him, but, after all that he had been through, he liked this. He fell back into a lazy float, calm and smiling as he let the worries and questions fade back to his mind. Despite this, one question echoed gently...


Last edited by White on Thu Jul 20, 2017 6:51 pm, edited 2 times in total.



Wed Jul 19, 2017 8:18 pm
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Post Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)
White wrote:
His eyes widening in comprehension, he rushed to flush his eyes further with water from his makeshift, face shaped and handsome, in his opinion, waterhole. After several minutes of washing out his eyes and sinuses, he snorted the last of the moisture from his nostrils breathed in deeply through his now clogged nose.
He just cleared his nose (by snorting the last of the moisture from his nostrils), how can he breath through his clogged nose? Did you mean "de-clogged nose"?

The text would be much, much easier to read if you'd assemble sentences together as paragraphs.
Now, when I want to note something I noticed down, it takes me LONG to refind the spot I was.....
(really follow Siber's hint above)

Also, after finishing:

All that I now read?
ARGH!

Why did you "unmake" Angus' teleport into a new world with another teleport? What was the point of him "waking up" in a world, describing so much of that world, and then just end it without anything else to follow up on?
I'm really asking myself why you do that? What will be the point? Will you ever get there?

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Wed Jul 19, 2017 11:32 pm
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Post Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)
Quote:
Did you mean "de-clogged nose"?


Yes, thanks for the head's up. It's fixed now.

Quote:
The text would be much, much easier to read if you'd assemble sentences together as paragraphs.
Now, when I want to note something I noticed down, it takes me LONG to refind the spot I was.....
(really follow Siber's hint above)


I'll try to edit it to be more readable.

Quote:
Why did you "unmake" Angus' teleport into a new world with another teleport? What was the point of him "waking up" in a world, describing so much of that world, and then just end it without anything else to follow up on?
I'm really asking myself why you do that? What will be the point? Will you ever get there?


You're making too many assumptions about what happened. I won't give too much away, but I haven't written anything which I didn't feel would add to the story.

Actually, that third chapter might have been overdone but there is a point to what happened in this one.


Thu Jul 20, 2017 6:23 pm
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Post Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)
I assume so, but right now it feels so... superfluous having "had" to read all that and no follow-up....

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Thu Jul 20, 2017 9:53 pm
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Post Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)
“Where am I?” Angus wondered idly before a spark, and the following smoke, quickly drew his attention back and raised his heart rate.

“Come onnnnn, come onnnn,” Angus whispered nervously as he tentatively coddled a pile of dry grass, speckled with white spots of shredded paper, between his hands.

Leaning in, angus cupped the kindling and gently blew air into its center, causing the smoking pile of black embers there to glow orange before a light-orange flame burst up softly and spread across the blackening terrain of burning grass and paper.

“Yes, yes, yes!” Angus gently yipped as he quickly stood up, making sure to keep the fire steady, and took short, quick steps over to the dried pile of white wood. Quickly dropping the growing fire into his dug-out fire space, Angus stepped back with a satisfied look as the fire quickly grew to encompass the now crackling pile of wood whilst a wave of heat washed over him.

Tossing his chrome lighter head into his backpack, all the while staring at it, fascinated by the squatter arc this planet’s gravity guided it on, Angus turned back and walked over to sit on the log his possessions were piled next to. There, angus leaned forward and off handedly examined the taped-up tear on his shorts while allowing his mind to wander.

Soon enough, his mind guided him to that question, the one that had lurked in his mind ever since he first arrived here, but one he’d also managed to ignore and distract himself from focusing on.

Where was he?

The exact answer to that, as he found out ever since he landed in that ocean, could change very quickly.

Over the past several days he’d been lost in the depths of dark jungles, floating in vast oceans, standing in the howling, frigid whiteness of claustrophobic arctic snowstorms, and standing in the endless plains of grasslands that came in every color, stareing at the paper thin horizon in the far distance and feeling decidedly empty of that sense of mystery that had greeted humans before him because, in all probability, he’d been beyond that horizon not too long ago.

After he’d, again, been spooked into teleporting after he felt something rub against his leg in the water, he’d started to look at his new ability and master it, exerting his will and learning to move himself with purpose.

There was, of course, a limit to the level of control he could exert, and he found this out very soon after realizing his power.

The first thing he thought to do, after touring the various terrains and places he could, was to return home and meet back up with his family, maybe try not to exploit his celebrity status too much, this led to nothing much happening as he closed his eyes and strained at invisible muscles he was convinced could teleport him, meanwhile his real muscles obliged and nearly gave him a hernia.

The second experiment of his, which was faced with a similar failure, was an attempt to return to the clearing he’d originally arrived in. Every attempt to teleport to a known or otherwise specified location ended with him either standing around awkwardly or teleporting to another random location.

Angus wasn’t sure if this restriction was because of an intrinsic limitation in his new power or if he simply wasn’t skilled enough yet to use it.

Of course, the one thing he wasn’t holding out hope for was ever leaving this planet; because if the fact that anytime he teleported over water he always found himself “standing” over the surface before falling in, and that he’d never found himself teleported into solid rock told him anything, it was that his teleportation was tied to the “surface” of this planet, or at least that definition of surface which was most convenient to him.

Angus shuddered as he imagined his exploded and crushed body parts floating around on an ocean floor somewhere.

Looking around at the grassland near the oasis he had finally settled by, Angus stared at the distant line of trees marking the beginnings of a forest. Angus sat on the ground, placed his pack of materials on his lap, and wrapped himself in a blanket as he took out the final half of his last granola bar.

Angus couldn’t help but chuckle as he found himself feeling grateful that his sister was being a lazy ass and had him carry everything for their camping trip; it was what allowed him to sustain himself this long. But he knew that even having a year’s worth of rations wouldn’t help in the end if he didn’t have some way to get new food. And looking around at the blue grass and white trees didn’t bring much hope that he’d see anything from the food pyramid.

Just his luck to get lost in a place that made his years of experience watching survival tv shows useless.

Ignoring the looming spectre of finding nothing on this alien world that was compatible with his biology and dying by starvation or suicide, angus thought of what exactly he was allowed to carry when teleporting.

His clothes and pack came along with him, as well as his shoes and the dirt on them. So did his sweat, now that he came to think of it. Did something have to be touching him, or just be really close to him? The water that touched him teleported with him, but not the atoms of water that touched the water that touched him. Did it work differently for solids like the dirt on his shoes? Could he teleport a mountain? A continent?

Leaving those thoughts aside, Angus looked up and saw the underside of the singular umbrella tree in the area, one he sat in the shade of. He looked up and saw, several dozen feet above him, the chitinous lattice of support structures lining the underside of the giant leaf that capped the top of the tree. Briefly, thoughts of trying to teleport that tree entertained him. It would feel nice to a baser part of him, to have such power, lifting and moving such a thing, being a strong man beyond imagination.

But, he thought, shaking those thoughts out of his head, moving a tree wouldn’t get him much beyond satiating his curiosity. That and leaving this place so soon after he’d become settled to go on another randomized “house hunt” for a location that wouldn’t kill him on his first night there didn’t sound too fun.

No, he’d stay here, for a while at least. He stuffed the last of the granola bar into his mouth and crumpled the empty wrapper in his hand.

He threw the wrapper away and rested his head on the pile of cloth he’d placed against the log, lying comfortably in the warmth of the fire as he thought of the future.

He’d take things day by day, he thought. Tomorrow he’d taste samples of things that looked edible and hope he didn’t throw up. He go collect some more firewood and add it to the pile he’d already made.

He’d be fine, he reassured himself. He’d focus his efforts on preparing for winter and, hey, if he couldn’t handle the chill, spring would only be several thousand miles away. He chuckled at the thought. Yeah, he could handle this, all he’d have to do is think rationally. He’d already been given teleportation, and that was basically overkill in terms of survival value.

Angus smiled and settled down to get comfortable, holding his backpack firmly to his chest with one hand while his other gripped his survival knife.

Feeling thoughts of that...thing coming back to haunt him, angus quickly hummed a tune and looked up at the bright moon above. It was the first time he’d seen the full moon, he thought, looking for any images on it’s cratered surface.

‘Is jesus on this one too? I wonder,’ was his last thought before his eyes fell shut, taking one last glimpse of the moon’s twin rushing across the sky to meet up with it’s sister.

Groggily, Angus’ eyes blinked open as the sun shone through and pierced his eye lids.

“Damn it, even when the days are longer,” Angus said as he shook his himself awake tiredly, barely mustering the energy to lift his head and look around at his surroundings.

The sight shocked him awake.

Angus quickly rose, tripping over his blanket as he rushed to take his fallen backpack into his hands and gripping it protectively before stuffing his blanket and pillow in it and placing it on his back.Everything was gone, the pond, the tree, the fireplace, a week’s worth of firewood. The log and his pillow were still there, of course. He stumbled as he walked towards his log, making sure everything wasn’t a mirage as his tired mind slowly worked at categorizing his environment.

Considering his tired mind, lack of foggy mouth and crusted eyes, he looked at his watch, ran some sloppy numbers in his head to account for the longer days on this planet, and saw that he couldn’t have been asleep for more than five hours, yet the sun said it was noon.

Looking around, one thought manifested itself in Angus’ freshly woken, cobwebbed mind. In fact, the only thought that could manifest itself in such a situation.

Where the fuck was he?


Sun Jul 30, 2017 10:28 am
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Post Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)
Yeah, not on Earth.

He understood it correctly: say good bye to surviving.

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Mon Jul 31, 2017 4:25 am
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