[Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Completed: 06/04/2018)

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dragoongfa
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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Completed: 06/04/2018)

Post by dragoongfa »

After three months of medical related delays, rewrites, scrapping of at least a chapter's worth of content I can finally say that 'The Pale Horse' is over. Some minor rewriting is in order but that should be easy enough. I freely admit that 'The Pale Horse' isn't among my best works, there are points where the story could be served better and things made far more clearer for the reader but I am not that good of a writer, yet.

Now to proceed with the 'Reforged' which as a story I have been working on in manuscript format.

Krulle
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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Completed: 06/04/2018)

Post by Krulle »

SpoilerShow
Skipped proofreading the first, as only much later I saw some passages where a different formulation might have worked better.
So I only point out errors the Epilogue. Sorry.
dragoongfa wrote:Epilogue

[...]“Our Iron Age ancestors, right after our liberation and restoration, thought of the divines as omniscient and omnipresent gods. All powerful and infallible beings who descended from the skies to free us and help us. Eons passed and numerous religions rose and fell, all of them depicting the divines with a different light and all of them believing that their own depictions were the one and only truth. They inevitably warred with each other but the divines never descended to help any single one of their so called champions, the many miracles claimed to be as such throughout the ages being either freak coincidences or just plain trickery. In time the religions subsided and the divines became myths, ancient stories that no one pain paid any particular attention to until we roamed the stars and found them again. They weren’t anything like the stories, both greater and lesser but they never had forgotten about us and the ancient war against the Enslavers. The remaining believers of the ancient religions gloated at the irrefutable proof of their beliefs but they also asked why they had been abandoned by those who they believed in. The divines answered by explaining who and what the Enslavers we so hated were.” The teacher noticed that all of the students were paying attention now and smiled before continuing.

“They taught us of the Tregons, an alien race much like ours who were born on a faraway planet. They had risen humbly and slowly, from the Stone age to the Space age and beyond. They were a passionate race, warring among themselves and other children of the stars until they were the lords of a stellar domain far greater than out our own. They explained the Tregon ideals of all life being worthy and how strife and material needs separated us from other children of the stars. How they took steps to preserve all life around them, even their former enemies and they showed us how all thrived under Tregon rule. For uncountable millennia the Tregon empire stood strong but the Tregons themselves had changed in that time, they sought perfection in themselves and they slowly altered their minds and bodies to become something they considered superior but in doing so they discarded everything that made them who they were. They soon sought to implement their ideal perfection and harmony onto those they held dominion over, to cut away and discard everything that they deemed superfluous and distracting. The Tregons were no more, they were just beings who held onto an ideal of perfect harmony, dictating onto everyone what to do and how to do it, violently subjugating all in their path even those who passively disagreed with their vision of perfection.”

[...]

“Yes indeed they were and they did everything because they truly believed that it was for the best. They truly believed that only through cold and impartial logic would they be able to lead into a new era of perfect harmony within their domain and they turned themselves into beings of cold and impartial logic to make their vision a reality. They shaped their domain and their subjects as they saw fit and in time all imperfections among their subjects were cut off and discarded. Whether those imperfections were essential parts of the minds and bodies and their subject bore no consideration. They wanted to make things perfect and so they did.”

[...]

“Indeed that’s the reason and there is also the fact of them asking us not to worship them or even to consider their actions as anything other than what was necessary of them to do. They are like us, if not in mind and form then in the common aspects of our history and how our ancestors suffered. We still call them divines and look upon them in wonder because that’s how advanced and wise they are compared to us but we don’t worship them because we will eventually Ascend to where they stand and join them as equal children of the stars; eventually we too will strike down an enslaver and help those who suffered under them.” It was then that the teacher noticed that it was well past the time that the class should have been dismissed but no child had yet to point it out. no child had yet to point it out... sounds.... not like what you likely wanted to say. Maybe "no child had pointed it out yet."?

[...]

“The universe who would be a sad place if only the Enslavers and those like them stood over us but the divines have their own legends in which the universe was indeed lorded over by enslavers, a cosmos where everyone either stagnated or became such. That was the universe until the First arose. These Legends have been passed along from liberator to liberated since time immemorial, there are many variants many of them confusing if not downright contradictory but many common themes exist in all of them. They all begin with a race that naturally held all powers that we associate with the divines, they lived in peace until an enslaver race discovered them, stole their powers and stroke them down, leaving them for dead. The enslavers then made another race using the powers and image of those they had destroyed but their new creations saw the injustices that their creators were committing and stroked them down, freeing themselves and the other enslaved.
However the race these Copies were derived from wasn’t dead. They came close to extinction but they persevered and in time thrived; however their lives were ones of solitude, cursed to exist in an area where no other sapient race had risen. Their loneliness drew them to extremes, striking at each other and waging endless wars against one another; thriving and advancing through the blood of their own kin until they Ascended to Divinity.

They stood as the First Divines atop the broken remains of their own kin, hating themselves for what they did before finally turning their attention outwards to a universe that was suddenly full of life when previously it hold held nothingness. They witnessed the sick order of things where countless of enslavers did as they thought best to the countless of the enslaved they held dominion over.
And amidst everything they found their Copies dominating others as an enslaver would while waging a desperate war against a young race that sought to become an enslaver. The First were conflicted, some seeing their Copies as an affront to their own existence, others were terrified of seeing their own selves and mistakes mirrored by their Copies while others held gratitude towards those that had destroyed the enslavers who had harmed them.

The First Divines were indecisive on what to do but a small number of them acted on their own and aided their Copies in their time of need. For all their prowess they couldn’t properly explain why they aided them but the Copies saw the sickness of Solitude within the First and decided to help them in turn, vowing to the First that they wouldn’t be alone anymore as the Copies and their aliens Ascended to Divinity. It didn’t take long for many of the ancient enslavers to challenge the First and their new companions only to be soundly defeated, their domains destroyed and their slaves liberated and repaired like we were, thus starting the many cycles of liberation and Ascension that continue to this day. The Legends of the First all end with a pilgrimage of the newly Ascended to the birthplace of the First, to pass along their appreciation and show them that they are not alone anymore and that they won’t be alone until the moment that the universe itself comes to an end.”

Again, fanstastic writing.
Man, we Humans suck. Feeling so lonely, that all Ascendends after us need to visit us so we won't feel lonely....
What a bunch of crybabies we Humans are...

Very fitting.

Thank You, dragoongfa!
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charred steppes, borders of territories: page 59,
jump-map of local stars: page 121, larger map in Loroi: page 118,
System view Leido Crossroads: page 123, after the battle page 195

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dragoongfa
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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Completed: 06/04/2018)

Post by dragoongfa »

Thanks Krulle but silly question, did you realize that I posted two parts?

Just checking :P

Krulle
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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Completed: 06/04/2018)

Post by Krulle »

Yes, I noted. I was so eager gulfing it down, that I was too far when I noticed I should've taken correction notes, while reading the first part....


And I liked Fireblade's and Alexander's conversation....

Pity for Fireblade to remain without kids of her own, but sometimes I wonder how and if unborn kids are affected by their mother's telepathy, and therefore if Fireblade's problems and tramata would traumatize her unborn child....


BTW, I hope you're better now, and that the reason for,the "medical delays" have been removed for ever.
Vote for Outsider on TWC: Image
charred steppes, borders of territories: page 59,
jump-map of local stars: page 121, larger map in Loroi: page 118,
System view Leido Crossroads: page 123, after the battle page 195

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dragoongfa
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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Completed: 06/04/2018)

Post by dragoongfa »

Krulle wrote: BTW, I hope you're better now, and that the reason for,the "medical delays" have been removed for ever.
Unfortunately it's something that will be with me till the end of my days, hopefully with the help of modern medicine I will be kept stable and fully functioning for the duration. Thanks for your wishes however, they mean a lot to me.

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Hālian
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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Completed: 06/04/2018)

Post by Hālian »

dragoongfa wrote:
Krulle wrote: BTW, I hope you're better now, and that the reason for,the "medical delays" have been removed for ever.
Unfortunately it's something that will be with me till the end of my days, hopefully with the help of modern medicine I will be kept stable and fully functioning for the duration. Thanks for your wishes however, they mean a lot to me.
:cry: *hugs*
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Don't delay, join today!

Krulle
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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Completed: 06/04/2018)

Post by Krulle »

Pity.
I hope modern medicine will be able to keep your life quality high anyway.

Hugs, and a beer?
Vote for Outsider on TWC: Image
charred steppes, borders of territories: page 59,
jump-map of local stars: page 121, larger map in Loroi: page 118,
System view Leido Crossroads: page 123, after the battle page 195

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orion1836
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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Completed: 06/04/2018)

Post by orion1836 »

dragoongfa wrote:
Krulle wrote: BTW, I hope you're better now, and that the reason for,the "medical delays" have been removed for ever.
Unfortunately it's something that will be with me till the end of my days, hopefully with the help of modern medicine I will be kept stable and fully functioning for the duration. Thanks for your wishes however, they mean a lot to me.
I'm very sorry to hear that. I hope all goes as well as it can. :cry:

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