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From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)
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Author:  White [ Tue Jul 04, 2017 9:03 pm ]
Post subject:  From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

Hey, I wrote this out in about an hour and I havent edited yet.

With that excuse out of the way. Here's the first part of my story.

Let me know what you think so far.

Happy Fourth Of July.

Author:  White [ Tue Jul 04, 2017 9:03 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

From The Heavens Above
Part I Chapter 1

“You know what to do…”

The voice receded as HT comfortably lowered herself. The walls shook lightly as she did so; their glow flickering as they rumbled quietly along with the humming drone of the engine. HT cursed the sound as she forced herself awake, bracing herself to exit and smell the atmosphere.

Selam stalked along the forest floor as the black dirt beneath grew darker still in the growing shadow of the moonlit canopy. Quickly, her body instinctively fell to the ground, electrically reacting to the roar of sound that impacted through her body as angry red and orange lights sharply outlined the form of the canopy above. Summoning her courage, Selam lifted her gaze upward and saw a blinding light arc across the night air, emptying the sky of its field of stars for an instant as it’s roar receded further and further into the forest.

Eventually, the light disappeared beneath the canopy only visible now through the bright orange reflections of dazzling light that boldly colored roiling clouds until… It just stopped, the sound, the light. As if it had never happened in the first place.
Selam herself might not have believed she ever saw it if it were not for the powerful drumming of her heart and her ringing ears.

The panicked sounds of the birds and beasts continued to drown out the previous silence as Selam ran through the night,
towards that gleaming light from the heavens.

Author:  Krulle [ Wed Jul 05, 2017 3:03 am ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

This is ... short.
I don't know the characters, nor why the starship (?) landed on a planet where (at least) some apparently have never seen a starship before.
I lack context, for now.

But please, continue!

Author:  White [ Sat Jul 08, 2017 3:51 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

From The Heavens Above
Part I Chapter 2
A drop of sweat hung off the precipice of Angus’ nose, swinging about with his every movement and causing an itch as he leaned heavily against a nearby tree. His palm pressed against the rough bark as he breathed heavily with his head bent down. Angus’ wet hair stuck to his forehead before a hand came to roughly knead it, squeezing it into his scalp. Angus let his head loll about, rolling with the rough and clumsy shoves the now two hands applied as his scowl deepened.

“Come on,” a young, boyish sounding, voice said from behind him as his head was shoved slightly more roughly forward. “Come on,” the voice said again, in that exact same calm, almost disinterested, yet goading, tone as before. “We don’t have all day, you know,” the voice whined.

Angus breathed deeply through his nostrils, exhaling slowly as he pushed himself away from the tree with his hand and stumbled to a shaky stand.

“Why did I come out here?” he said, leaning over and resting his hands on his knees as he continued panting.

“Why, to get some fresh air and take in the amazing scenery, of course” the voice answered.

“First of all,” Angus wheezed, “a hundred degree heat and ninety-five humidity aren’t what I’d call refreshing,” he said moving one hand from his knee to peel his shirt off of his chest. “Second of all,” he continued, “why did I let you talk me into this?”

“Because I’m your sister and you love me?” the voice answered sweetly as Angus rolled his eyes.

“Aren’t you supposed to be older than me?” he quipped back with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh, stop being such a downer,” she continued on, “maybe you’d enjoy this more if you were in shape,” she said as Angus felt a finger poke painfully into his side.

“Ok, that’s it!” Angus reared up, spreading his arms apart, “Get off!” Angus said as he felt his sister's legs unwrap from around his waist.

She fell to the ground with a dampened thud as her boots impacted the black dirt. Quickly, she hopped up onto her toes and posed, awkwardly, with her hands wide apart and in the air as if she were a gymnast.

“And she sticks the landing! Allison Wiley has won gold for the third time this year. It is absolutely unbelievable, folks!” Allison yelled as her landing form promptly deteriorated into an awkward victory jig while her smile morphed into an intense face of excitement as she shut her eyes and bent forward to talk into the imaginary microphone in her grip. Her twirling dance brought her face to face with Angus’ unamused face and crossed arms.

“Oh, come on,” Allison waved her hand at him while leaning forward. “We’re on a safari!” she yelled gesturing with open arms to the grove of trees surrounding them.

“Keep it quiet would you!” Angus hissed as he instinctively shrugged his shoulders and looked about, shyly.

“I couldn’t let you spend our whole vacation at the hotel gym” she giggled. “And there’s no one here, you know.”

“Vacations are supposed to be fun,” Angus replied curtly, “not obligatory.” “Being at the resort,” he continued, “ is fun, and there’s air conditioning there,” he said pumping his shirt with one hand.

“Think of the adventure, though,” Allison continued. “We’ve never been in here before,” she said spinning to look at the scenery around them with wonderment in her eyes,

“We’d never been at that hotel before either,” Angus replied dryly, looking unimpressed at his surroundings.

“Seriously? You need to-” Allison fell quiet as she stumbled in her twirl when she came about to face Angus.

“Angus?” she said looking cautiously at the tree line surrounding the trail as she took tentative, confused steps towards where Angus stood, just moments ago. “Angus, Bro, are you around here?” she said, her voice growing increasingly nervous. “Angus!” she yelled, her voice swallowed by the surrounding forest. The tree line seeming more ominous as it caged her in the trail.

Allison peeked past the bars of wood into the dark, shadowed, undergrowth beyond, searching quietly for her brother.

Author:  Krulle [ Sat Jul 08, 2017 11:27 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)


I'm a bit confused...
Is this a third viewpoint?

Still waiting how the story develops...

(You are starting to make me curious... )

Author:  White [ Tue Jul 11, 2017 5:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)


Author:  Krulle [ Wed Jul 12, 2017 1:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

This... feels superfluous.
Okay, "she and her sister" can fly by telekinesis, or similar.
Rather long story for a felt nothing.

First, "she" walks to the shining tree, then she watches her sister and a friend play at the river, then she sttacks her sister by flying with a dirtball over the roof,(why is the sister not outside anymoe? - how much time has passed?)...
The changes are disorienting and too abrupt.
I'm not clear whether all the "she" are even the same person....

This is just disorienting, and uses far too much text to transport some news....
you've opened so many questions already, that I've lost interest in the solutions. I'm feeling overwhelmed by the tidbits of info.

I'll continue reading, it's not as if I'll be very busy readin new Outsider pages... ;)

Author:  Siber [ Wed Jul 12, 2017 3:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

I'm having a hard time reading this, and I think part of it is the presentation. You've got a lot of run-on sentences, and a lot of excessive use of commas. On top of that, I think you've broken up your paragraphs too much. The prose also gets a little purple for my taste in places. There's also some inconsistency, in one line you describe the character as walking slowly, then two lines later, she's hurrying. They don't really fit together.

In trying to give the story a chance so I could comment on the content rather than the style, I started trying to reorganize it along the lines above. I'll include a snippet for illustrative purposes. I hope this is not presumptive.

Spoiler: show
She looked ahead in contentment, watching the rolling fields of her homeland stretch unbroken to the horizon. There the rising star painted the blue canvas of plant life in rich hues of red and gold. She walked towards a large and beautifully twisted tree in the distance, it's pure white skin shining in the light of the rising star, intricate set of barren branches almost twinkling. She smiled smiling uncontrollably at the sight, as if in a drugged euphoria, as she ambled towards it.

The air hung in place, warm and drifting slightly. Motes of red dust and sapphire pollen danced lazily to and fro in the current, hanging low over the ground as her movement past pushed them into swirling frenzies, then quickly slowed back into their lazy drifting.

She walked slowly and comfortably along toward the shining tree. Dry and slightly discolored vegetation crunched beneath her feet as the tip of the long and jagged shadow of the tree touched them. Smiling up at the tree, she let the reflected light fall onto her back as she continued towards her goal.

Retracting her senses and quieting her contentment she quickly walked past the invisible boundary of the community, relaxing further as the air of calmness surrounded and coddled itself around her. She traveled the worn path of flattened plant life past several houses and toward the river. She lifted the water to herself for a drink, then turned away from the depths of the clear river to wonder aloud where her sister was.

Spoiler: show
She looked ahead in contentment, watching the rolling fields of her homeland stretch, unbroken, to the horizon ahead, where the rising star painted the blue canvas of plant life in rich hues of red and gold.

She smiled, uncontrollably, as if in a drugged euphoria, at the sight as she calmly ambled along the flat terrain, towards a large and beautifully twisted tree in the distance, whose pure white skin shone resplendently in the light of the rising sun, almost twinkling as it’s intricate set of barren branches reflected light onto themselves.

The air hung in place, warm and drifting slightly. In the current, motes of red dust and sapphire pollen danced lazily to and fro, hanging low over the ground as her movement past pushed them into swirling frenzies before they quickly slowed back into their slow drifting.

She walked slowly and comfortably along toward the shining tree.

The hardy vegetation crunched beneath her feet, dry and slightly discolored, as the tip of the long and jagged shadow of the tree lay at her feet.

Smiling up at the tree, she continued onward, letting the reflected light bathe onto her back as she hurried towards her goal.

Retracting her senses and quieting her contentment, she quickly walked past the invisible boundary of the community, relaxing further as the air of calmness surrounded and coddled itself around her.

Walking past several houses, she traveled the worn path of flattened plant life toward the river, where she lifted the water to herself for a drink.

She turned away from the rocky, shadowed, depths of the clear river and wondered aloud where her sister was.

Author:  White [ Wed Jul 12, 2017 3:12 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

Fair, the chapter was really only meant to introduce the two characters and there was a lot of fluff. I might have gotten carried away 8-) .

As for the writing style, this particular chapter was meant to be written from the point of view of a Loroi, a lot of the setting description is actually a substitution for dialogue. I guess the concept fell flat.

In any case, thanks for the feedback. The Introductory chapters are written, so the story should be moving apace soon.

And the rest of the story should be written from a human pov, so small mercies, I suppose.

Author:  Razor One [ Wed Jul 12, 2017 3:14 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

Three different perspective changes with no interconnection, narrative, or actual story. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but that's how it reads at the moment.

There's the beginnings of something here, but jumping between multiple perspectives basically kills any potential momentum you might have had going.

I'm a bit too tired for a fully in-depth analysis , but if I were to briefly critique each portion:

Part 1:

What is HT? It's never defined, is too short to be a proper name, and is just... there.

It's a good opening, short, punchy, gets the readers attention, but then...

Part 2:

Change of perspective, with no follow through on the previous part.

We have two humans bantering. That's fine, but we have no sense of time or location. It could be 1948, 2048, or 2148. The only vague reference to a location is one character saying they're on a Safari, which suggests Africa, but you can go on Safari elsewhere too in my experience, so this is suspect at best.

About the only significant development is that one character mysteriously disappears. This would be a good opening too, if it were on its own and not a followup to the prior part which already served its purpose as an opening. Even so...

Part 3:

We get another change in perspective. At this point, any reader would be confused as to what is going on. It doesn't help that there isn't a single character name in this bit, nor is there a single bit of dialogue to break up the narrative. I'm assuming that that's deliberate; that these characters are presumably Loroi and haven't earned their names yet and the lack of dialogue is to signify telepathic communication. Even so, Loroi still have telepathic names even if they haven't yet earned a spoken name, and Sanzai can still be rendered as italicised speech even if it is a fairly dry method in comparison.

I will commend you on the length of this part, unlike the prior parts it's the right length to serve as more than an appetiser for any potential reader, but the apparent lack of direction for the narrative makes it all bit confusing. Are they witnessing the same event as in the first part, or a different event? As with the prior parts, there is no sense of time or location.

The apparent conflict between the two sisters feels hollow and generic without names, a location, history, or a sense of time and place. It's difficult for anyone to really care or relate to nameless characters.

If I had to nail down the main flaw in each of the parts, it's that there's plenty of actors, but very little stage for them to act on. Some worldbuilding would improve things very much, in addition to sticking with a particular perspective until the story has moved forward with them. The thing that crashed from another world or a character mysteriously disappearing is an inciting incident, the first step in a story, and you need to go beyond that first step and take the reader on a short walk that ends at a decisive point, a crossroads, a new mystery, an impending doom, a dilemma for the character to solve or muse upon in the next part. That's the safe point where you can change perspective to see how other characters in a different place are doing. Too soon and you cut things off without reader satisfaction. Too long and you risk exhausting the reader with needless detail.

By all means, continue writing, you get better with practice and I am curious as to where this is going.

Author:  White [ Wed Jul 19, 2017 8:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

From The Heavens Above Part II Chapter 1

...like shit. Angus felt like shit.

Feeling as if someone had rubbed onion juice into his eyes, Angus, again, tried to crank his painfully teary eyes open a sliver, glimpsing a blurred landscape before he quickly shut them again, recoiling in pain. Angus hunched forward on his knees, his muscles burning, his organs squeezed in pain and breathing pitiful wheezes through his snot clogged nose as he coughed and fell forward to support himself with his hands. His chest felt tight as if he were being forced to exhale, hold his breath, and take little gasps of air to fill his empty his lungs. His hands pressed into the firm, but deformable ground. Water rushed up to fill the hand-shaped indentations he formed as his tears dripped loudly into the newly formed puddles. Several more attempts at opening his eyes, accompanied with grunts and various curses, made it clear that to him that they weren’t opening.

“Hello?” Angus yelled, more out of habit than hope at this point, as the past however many requests had brought him nothing except silence. Angus grew worried, his heart sinking as he kept a paranoid ear out, and finally accepted that this wasn’t another prank of his sisters. She’d never done anything malicious. Taking a shaky breath, Angus shook his head and tried to think past the roar of pain and discomfort in his head. ‘Focus on your hands,” he repeated to himself, wriggling his fingers in their miniature puddles and making them into fists as he molded the firm, clay-like, substance in between his fingers. Accepting for the moment that his sister had nothing to do with this, Angus tried to assess his situation. Recalling that his sister was dancing around in front of him before he was plunged into blindness and pain, he gathered that his sister either couldn’t hear him or couldn’t respond for some reason. Briefly, he wondered if the lack of response was his sister's attempt at a warning to him that silence was the best policy at the moment. Shaking paranoid thoughts of predators and killers out of his head, Angus focused back on his environment. Keeping an ear out brought nothing but the alien sounds of the jungle. Was he in a sinkhole? Maybe he passed out after he fell into one? Would his sister be alright?

If it were a sinkhole, he thought, it would have to be a shallow one, although it would probably be deep enough to reach some underground water source.

“How deep is the water table in a forest?” he mumbled to himself. Forest soil didn’t trap water well from what he could vaguely remember about tropical forests in his biology class. Although, sinkholes were caused by underground streams, so it wouldn’t necessarily have to be that deep in order for the ground to be this wet. Of course, this was IF he even was in a sinkhole, which he probably wasn’t, he thought dejectedly. ‘In any case, whatever happened, it’s best to stay still and wait for a search party” he thought as he lifted a sleeve to wipe tears from his stinging eyes, bringing the pain, once again, to the forefront of his mind.

“Damn it,” he cursed as his eyes watered further and he moved to put his arm back on the ground.

His hand landed on a slick outcropping of stone sticking out of the ground and slid out violently from under him. Face planting in the wet clay-like substance below him, Angus quickly rose back up, gasping for breath as the water rushed in to fill the cavity his face made in the ground. Blinking his eyes open, Angus’s annoyance quickly subsided as he realized the pain in his eyes was a fraction of what it was before. His eyes widening in comprehension, he rushed to flush his eyes further with water from his makeshift and handsome, in his opinion, waterhole. After several minutes of washing out his eyes and sinuses, he snorted the last of the moisture from his nostrils and rose to breathe in deeply through his now de-clogged nose.

His face soaking with grey, smoky water Angus stood up and looked down, twisting his neck and back to get a good look at himself, his spine cracking in waves of blissful release as he did so. He shivered as he looked at the gash running down his Khaki shorts, imagining what his leg might have looked like if whatever caused that had touched flesh. He stepped forward weakly, as if testing the leg and focused on the rest of his hiking gear. Thankfully, he actually didn’t look too bad. His jacket and backpack looked worn, but serviceable, while his boots looked almost new. Breathing a sigh of relief, he scrunched his nose as he smelled a powerful, almost overwhelming atmosphere of ozone surrounding him.

Looking around at the clearing he stood in, he blinked his eyes as the feeling of wrongness that was always on the periphery of his thoughts faced him, full force. The first things he noticed were the trees. Unlike the towering jungle plants that previously surrounded and shaded him, who’s tangled and intertwining branches weaved together to shadow the forest floor; these trees stood tall and straight, taking a much simpler shape as smooth, tapering logs of wood stuck out of the ground, capped at the top with a wide, green, semi-sphere that shadowed their body like a natural umbrella. With this in mind, he was sure the white bark wasn’t because of girdling. At the base of each tree grew a brambled maze of yellow branches which seemed to make up the undergrowth of this forest.

Oddly enough, he didn’t feel too strongly about this. Everything around him seemed quiet and washed out. Despite this, he felt...no, he knew that the actions he would take from here onward would be of monumental importance to his life and potentially that of countless others. He accepted that he was on a new portion of his life that he never dreamed of having and that it was best to start by putting his best foot forward. Taking a heavy, impactful step on the ground with his hiking boot, he felt the slight shock of the step run up his leg and energize his heart as his pants fell down.

“Damn it!” he cursed as he scrambled down to cover his heart dappled boxers. Hopping slightly on one foot as he squatted down, he struggled to pull his khaki shorts up beyond his boots before his head quickly turned to look at a flash of movement in his peripherals. Focusing his eyes to the shadows under the roof of a domed tangle of dry, yellow branches, he saw a figure hiding in the darkness, lying low and shifting occasionally. Setting his foot down, Angus slowly pulled up his pants, keeping low to keep the figure in sight.

As if figuring out that it had been spotted, the figure rose higher and moved forward into the light. Angus tilted his head and looked at the curious creature. Its skin was yellow, tattooed all over with intricate, twisting, lines of black which never intersected. Its head was smooth, stout and brutish; a large, boxy, braincase slowly tapered into an elongated, very pointed snout sticking out two feet from its body and suspending itself in the air while moving about fluidly. Furthermore, it was eyeless. The snout turned to point at him and the head followed as the rest of the creature came to light. Stripes of light and shadow streaming through the yellow branches above it fell on its short neck and thick, muscular body, which itself tapered into a stiff, tail-like appendage at the rear. A singular, tree-trunk leg fell down from the middle of its body and connected to a large foot. This brought the creature to a height reaching Angus’ pelvis and was twice as long from snout to tail.

Angus bent down further, curiously observing the creature, looking at its chest for any signs of breathing and searching for any trace of eyes along its body. The creature took a short, heavy hop forward and brought more of itself into the light. Angus took a reciprocal step forward and moved his head about, trying to get a good look at the moving, pointed tip of the creature’s snout for any trace of nostrils or some sort of breathing mechanism, as he had yet to see anything on this creature that wasn’t smooth skin.

As if powered by spring steel, the creature's snout burst open, unfurling like a flower to reveal a wet, glistening sapphire surface on the underside of each, tentacle-like, “petal”. Dark black spikes stuck out haphazardly across the underside of the wriggling tentacles which now obscured the creatures face and body. A deep black hole stood in the center of this horror show, where a long, onyx tongue wormed its way out to wave along with the tentacles. Angus gripped onto the edge of his pants with one fist whilst the other waved about in his maniac run towards the other end of the clearing, his body’s aches long forgotten as fear coursed through his heart.

If he’d had the wherewithal, Angus might have noticed that his running was staggered and uneven, each of his steps coming down before he reached the ground before his practiced run cycle quickly adjusted to the slower pace. Of course, Angus’ mind was more preoccupied with cursing and the approaching thudding sound as the creature took off behind him. Still, it seemed as if everything was going in slow motion.

Angus ran past the forest edge and entered into a chaotic mess of blurring tree trunks and a minefield of roots littering the ground. Tightening his white-knuckled grip on his shorts, he rushed forward, daring not to slow down as he could hear the monster tracking him. Angus grew panicked after the second near collision with a tree trunk, his heart jolting as he knew any impact or miss-step would leave him dead one way or another. Suddenly, his heart stopped as his foot caught back on something, tripping him and jerking back at his hip joint. Angus slammed his hands down roughly onto the ground and managed to keep running. His heart beat violently at the thought of falling as his eyes drew themselves to the dangerous tangle of roots and debris littering the floor, obsessing over the dangers that lay there. Angus elected to jump higher with each step so as to minimize his chances of tripping as the monster hissed behind him, piercing his heart with fear.

Focusing back on the ground an instant before he landed, he saw that his foot was headed to land directly onto a small stone. Grimacing prematurely, his body stiffened like a log as slipped out from under him and he collapsed onto the ground, catching himself on his arms. His momentum caused him to slide onward as he desperately tried to get up once more. Falling to his side, his slide slowed to a stop as he looked back and saw the creature accelerate to his position in two hops. Angus froze, his leg shock still in the air as the creature’s tentacles flashed forward and wrapped themselves around it. The creature's leg planted itself in the ground and prepared to jerk back and tear at the object in its maw.

Angus shut his eyes, bringing his shoulder up defensively as he felt the stone cold pricks of the creature’s teeth touch his skin. With fear coursing through his body, Angus made one last desperate wish, to be anywhere but here, to escape the creature which had already caught him, to run away. Warm water rushed up Angus’ body causing him to choke as water flooded into his lungs. Angus instinctively stroked down and broke into the air, gasping for breath before he bobbed back down into the water and settled into equilibrium, breathing heavily as he looked around at the pitch black surrounding him.

Angus gripped tighter onto his shorts as he kicked his legs and stroked with his remaining arm to tread water. He quickly hushed any momentary relief he should have felt as he muted his heavy breathing and looked carefully at the dark surroundings. He stayed still and quiet for an unknown amount of time before the sky parted and revealed a white light surrounded by a ring of thick clouds. The water around him shone to match the moon, reflecting the light in its many ripples as the light twinkled all around him. And despite himself, he felt safe. He knew that the light meant that things could see him, but, after all that he had been through, he liked this. He fell back into a lazy float, calm and smiling as he let the worries and questions fade back to his mind. Despite this, one question echoed gently...

Author:  Krulle [ Wed Jul 19, 2017 11:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

White wrote:
His eyes widening in comprehension, he rushed to flush his eyes further with water from his makeshift, face shaped and handsome, in his opinion, waterhole. After several minutes of washing out his eyes and sinuses, he snorted the last of the moisture from his nostrils breathed in deeply through his now clogged nose.
He just cleared his nose (by snorting the last of the moisture from his nostrils), how can he breath through his clogged nose? Did you mean "de-clogged nose"?

The text would be much, much easier to read if you'd assemble sentences together as paragraphs.
Now, when I want to note something I noticed down, it takes me LONG to refind the spot I was.....
(really follow Siber's hint above)

Also, after finishing:

All that I now read?

Why did you "unmake" Angus' teleport into a new world with another teleport? What was the point of him "waking up" in a world, describing so much of that world, and then just end it without anything else to follow up on?
I'm really asking myself why you do that? What will be the point? Will you ever get there?

Author:  White [ Thu Jul 20, 2017 6:23 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

Did you mean "de-clogged nose"?

Yes, thanks for the head's up. It's fixed now.

The text would be much, much easier to read if you'd assemble sentences together as paragraphs.
Now, when I want to note something I noticed down, it takes me LONG to refind the spot I was.....
(really follow Siber's hint above)

I'll try to edit it to be more readable.

Why did you "unmake" Angus' teleport into a new world with another teleport? What was the point of him "waking up" in a world, describing so much of that world, and then just end it without anything else to follow up on?
I'm really asking myself why you do that? What will be the point? Will you ever get there?

You're making too many assumptions about what happened. I won't give too much away, but I haven't written anything which I didn't feel would add to the story.

Actually, that third chapter might have been overdone but there is a point to what happened in this one.

Author:  Krulle [ Thu Jul 20, 2017 9:53 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

I assume so, but right now it feels so... superfluous having "had" to read all that and no follow-up....

Author:  White [ Sun Jul 30, 2017 10:28 am ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

From The Heavens Above
Part II Chapter 2

“Where am I?” Angus wondered idly before a spark, and the following smoke, quickly drew his attention back and raised his heart rate.

“Come onnnnn, come onnnn,” Angus whispered nervously as he tentatively coddled a pile of dry grass, speckled with white spots of shredded paper, between his hands. Leaning in, Angus cupped the kindling and gently blew air into its center, causing the smoking pile of black embers there to glow orange before a light-orange flame burst up softly and spread across the blackening terrain of burning grass and paper.

“Yes, yes, yes!” Angus gently yipped as he quickly stood up, making sure to keep the fire steady and took short, quick steps over to the dried pile of white wood. Quickly dropping the growing fire into his dug-out fire space, Angus stepped back with a satisfied look as the fire quickly grew to encompass the now crackling pile of wood whilst a wave of heat washed over him. Tossing his chrome lighter head into his backpack, he stared at it, fascinated by the squatter arc this planet’s gravity guided it on. Angus turned back and walked over to sit on the log his possessions were piled next to. There, Angus leaned forward and offhandedly examined the taped-up tear on his shorts while allowing his mind to wander. Soon enough, his mind guided him to that question, the one that had lurked in his mind ever since he first arrived here, but one he’d also managed to ignore and distract himself from focusing on.

Where was he?

The exact answer to that, as he found out ever since he landed in that ocean, could change very quickly. Over the past several days he’d been lost in the depths of dark jungles, floating in vast oceans, standing in the howling, frigid whiteness of claustrophobic arctic snowstorms, and standing in the endless plains of grasslands that came in every color, staring at the paper thin horizon in the far distance and feeling decidedly empty of that sense of mystery that had greeted humans before him because, in all probability, he’d been beyond that horizon not too long ago.

After he’d, again, been spooked into teleporting after he felt something rub against his leg in the water, he’d started to look at his new ability and master it, exerting his will and learning to move himeslf with purpose. There was, of course, a limit to the level of control he could exert, and he found this out very soon after realizing his power. The first thing he thought to do, after touring the various terrains and places he could, was to return home and meet back up with his family, maybe try not to exploit his celebrity status too much; this led to nothing much happening as he closed his eyes and strained at invisible muscles he was convinced could teleport him. Meanwhile, his real muscles obliged and nearly gave him a hernia. The second experiment of his, which was faced with a similar failure, was an attempt to return to the clearing he’d originally arrived in. Every attempt to teleport to a known or otherwise specified location ended with him either standing around awkwardly or teleporting to another random location.

Angus wasn’t sure if this restriction was because of an intrinsic limitation in his new power or if he simply wasn’t skilled enough yet to use it. Of course, the one thing he wasn’t holding out hope for was ever leaving this planet; because if the fact that anytime he teleported over water he always found himself “standing” over the surface before falling in, and that he’d never found himself teleported into solid rock told him anything, it was that his teleportation was tied to the “surface” of this planet, or at least that definition of surface which was most convenient to him. Angus shuddered as he imagined his exploded and crushed body parts floating around on an ocean floor somewhere.

Looking around at the grassland near the oasis he had finally settled by, Angus stared at the distant line of trees marking the beginnings of a forest. Angus sat on the ground, placed his pack of materials on his lap, and wrapped himself in a blanket as he took out the final half of his last granola bar. Angus couldn’t help but chuckle as he found himself feeling grateful that his sister was being a lazy ass and had him carry everything for their camping trip; it was what allowed him to sustain himself this long. But he knew that even having a year’s worth of rations wouldn’t help in the end if he didn’t have some way to get new food. And looking around at the blue grass and white trees didn’t bring much hope that he’d see anything from the market.

Just his luck to get lost in a place that made his years of experience watching survival tv shows useless.

Ignoring the looming specter of finding nothing on this alien world that was compatible with his biology and dying by starvation or suicide, Angus thought of what exactly he was allowed to carry when teleporting. His clothes and pack came along with him, as well as his shoes and the dirt on them. So did his sweat, now that he came to think of it. Did something have to be touching him, or just be really close to him? The water that touched him teleported with him, but not the atoms of water that touched the water that touched him. Did it work differently for solids like the dirt on his shoes? Could he teleport a mountain? A continent? Leaving those thoughts aside, Angus looked up and saw the underside of the singular umbrella tree in the area, the one he sat in the shade of. He looked up and saw, several dozen feet above him, the chitinous lattice of support structures lining the underside of the giant leaf that capped the top of the tree. Briefly, thoughts of trying to teleport that tree entertained him. It would feel nice to a baser part of him, to have such power, lifting and moving such a thing, being a strong man beyond imagination. But, he thought, shaking those thoughts out of his head, moving a tree wouldn’t get him much beyond satiating his curiosity. That and leaving this place so soon after he’d become settled to go on another randomized “house hunt” for a location that wouldn’t kill him on his first night there didn’t sound too fun.

No, he’d stay here, for a while at least. He stuffed the last of the granola bar into his mouth and crumpled the empty wrapper in his hand. He threw the wrapper away and rested his head on the pile of cloth he’d placed against the log, lying comfortably in the warmth of the fire as he thought of the future. He’d take things day by day, he thought. Tomorrow he’d taste samples of things that looked edible and hope he didn’t throw up. He'd go collect some more firewood and add it to the pile he’d already made. He’d be fine, he reassured himself. He’d focus his efforts on preparing for winter and, hey, if he couldn’t handle the chill, spring would only be several thousand miles away. He chuckled at the thought. Yeah, he could handle this, all he’d have to do is think rationally. He’d already been given teleportation, and that was basically overkill in terms of survival value.

Angus smiled and settled down to get comfortable, holding his backpack firmly to his chest with one hand while his other gripped his survival knife. Feeling thoughts of that...thing coming back to haunt him, Angus quickly hummed a tune and looked up at the bright moon above. It was the first time he’d seen the full moon, he thought, looking for any images on it’s cratered surface. ‘Is Jesus on this one too? I wonder,’ was his last thought before his eyes fell shut, taking one last glimpse of the moon’s twin rushing across the sky to meet up with its sister.

Groggily, Angus’ eyes blinked open as the sun shone through and pierced his eyelids.

“Damn it, even when the days are longer,” Angus said as he shook his himself awake tiredly, barely mustering the energy to lift his head and look around at his surroundings. The sight shocked him awake. Angus quickly rose, tripping over his blanket as he rushed to take his fallen backpack into his hands and gripping it protectively before stuffing his blanket and pillow in it and placing it on his back. Everything was gone, the pond, the tree, the fireplace, a week’s worth of firewood. The log and his pillow were still there, of course. He stumbled as he walked towards his log, making sure everything wasn’t a mirage as his tired mind slowly worked at categorizing his environment.

He looked at his watch, ran some sloppy numbers in his head to account for the long days on this planet, and saw that he couldn’t have been asleep for more than five hours, yet the sun said it was noon. Looking around, one thought manifested itself in Angus’ freshly woken, cobwebbed mind. In fact, the only thought that could manifest itself in such a situation.

Where the fuck was he?

Author:  Krulle [ Mon Jul 31, 2017 4:25 am ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

Yeah, not on Earth.

He understood it correctly: say good bye to surviving.

Author:  White [ Sat Oct 21, 2017 11:03 am ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

From The Heavens Above
Part III Chapter 1

From The Heavens Above
Part III Chapter 1

My name is Angus, and...well...

It was a surreal moment, really.

I’d thought that I’d accepted my strange new reality, was prepared for the unexpected to strike, that I was fully aware of my residence in the Twilight Zone, forever destined to wander across a world all mine as I came in and out of existence, blinking the sole light of consciousness across the lonely surface of this world. Well, forever until I starved to death anyway. Here I was, though.

You’ll have to forgive my rambling attempt at aping someone competent enough to speak. It was a surreal moment after all. Surreal moments have a habit of leaving you not knowing what to do; they never come out with instructions on how to deal with surreal things, especially when those surreal things come in the form of blue elf ladies. As with most things, I suppose the kicker came in the presentation. There was no prophecy or glowing fairy guide that told me I needed to go to blue elf station, third left at the river. They just appeared as most things here do, as a spot on the horizon when a cool wind rushed over me as the sun beat down on the jacket I'd draped over my head. In fact, their appearance was so ordinary, and my eyes so tired, I mistook them at first for one of the numerous outcroppings of rock and umbrella trees that dotted the bright red grassland which surrounded me.

It was soon after that I noticed movement and hauled ass over to their location, eager to see them, to see something. My excitement had me abandon all caution as I hurried to see what they were, and soon enough I stood before the seven of them, huffing as I leaned forward on my knees and found that I had nothing to say. Because, really, I wasn't expecting this much; I was preparing, at most, to teleport away from a group of animals on my run to them, not to make first contact during an evening stroll. Thus, I wasn’t exactly brimming with conversational ideas. I figured that I most likely wouldn’t be able to talk to them anyhow so I settled for observing them at first.

There wasn’t much more to say about their appearance beyond them being blue elves that looked like someone took a stencil to their hair. They all wore what would be drab, utilitarian outfits if they hadn't dyed them like they were lost extras on a Star Trek set. They wore long-sleeved turtleneck shirts along with baggy cloth pants tied around their waists with blue rope, and each carried a featureless, blue, leather bag which they slung over their shoulders. A chrome sphere which reflected the sun so well it hurt to look at was placed as a latch where the cover of the bag closed snugly over. They looked uncannily human, actually. I thought that they were, perhaps, a lost race of man. They certainly looked similar enough to humans that I hazarded to read their emotions when it seemed clear that talking wasn't on the table. While their faces looked surprised, they, thankfully, weren’t panicking. It was the opposite, in fact. They were silent as killers while their faces began to morph into serious gazes which bored into me, as if they were preparing themselves for something. However, I wasn’t sure if it was my appearance that might have shocked them or the fact that a stranger came running over like a maniac to stand and stare at them. Soon, however, they appeared to have gotten over their shock before they turned their heads the slightest bit to give one another silent looks as they began to move around me: circling me so that I could only see three of them whilst I heard the rest stepping behind me in a way that threw up all the red flags someone gets before they’re mugged. I quickly brushed off the strangling sensation that wound itself inside my guts and turned to look calmly down at the tallest one present, a thin woman with crimson hair and a shirt which was yellow on her left side and red on her right. I could teleport after all, so no need to panic, they were probably just scared about the guy twice their weight that came running at them. As the one with the ability to leave unharmed at any moment, it was my responsibility, I felt, to calm tensions and find a peaceful resolution to all this. I had little to lose after all.

Oh, how wrong I was.

After flubbing my first attempt at a speech, I cleared my throat as I brought my sweaty hand to rub my dry, crusty lips while I took a deep breath. Looking back down into the eyes of the elf in front of me, who seemed to be doing a similar calming exercise herself, I exhaled slowly, keeping a fine ear out for any noise behind me. Slowly and deliberately, I moved my hand forward and upward to point at myself. Then, like a bullet, a blur rose out of the elf’s bag before shooting forward in a shallow arc and cracking into my forearm like a whip. My arm was thrown back as my shoulder and body turned to follow it. Instinctively looking at the sight of impact, I saw a fine blue rope decorated with brambles wrapped around my arm. As I said before, it was surreal, even more so with the recent turn of events. I slowly thought through everything in a millisecond as I looked at what seemed to be a freeze frame of my arm. I didn’t feel any pain. It felt like I was watching everything happen from far away, coldly analyzing the scene from a third person perspective, so my first thought at the sight was how nice the contrast was between the blue rope, decorated with sun-bright chrome spheres embedded into its brambles, and the streams of blood glistening down my arm from where those same brambles dug into my flesh and made it slick with crimson.

Soon after, however, I felt my heart stop and my veins chill. Nothing had happened, not even the second time I tried.

I couldn’t teleport.

Author:  White [ Sun Oct 22, 2017 11:05 am ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

From The Heavens Above
Part III Chapter 2

I never made it a habit to get into trouble.

In fact, it was my number one priority when doing anything not to get into trouble. I was always particularly sensitive to that. Nevertheless, I have gotten into trouble, big trouble at times. And with my expertise on the subject, I can tell you that it feels most raw and brutal when trouble comes to find you when you least expect it, when you feel safe. This is the trouble that was my mom bursting into the kitchen as I stuffed blissful spoon fulls of sugar into my mouth. This is the trouble of when the final boss suddenly got back up to full health to trample over that feeling of victory in my heart. This is the trouble of my car getting towed after a raise. It feels like you have something to lose and you’re about to lose twice as much, and in all my years of getting into trouble, this was perhaps the moment I’d say distilled that feeling into so potent an elixir. The card house my confidence was built upon came tumbling down around me as I stopped my breath and stared at the ground that refused to change.

I didn’t have any thoughts on this matter. Rather, I didn’t think. I ran. Whipping about, without thinking I threw my jacket to intercept the projectile rope of an elf who’d elected to toss hers at me and took off in the direction of the redhead. Looking up as I ran, I saw she’d already started running in my direction. Bursting into a sprint I charged head on towards her. I took advantage of her shock and hesitation to put my hand on her shoulder as I twirled around her and pushed her, hard, into one of her companions. I didn’t stop to look back as I made a mad dash towards the large wall of head-high, red grass that grew to the side of the path I’d been traveling on. Sound turned off as the field of grass drew nearer and nearer still. And then, my foot snagged and I fell forward. Or rather, my foot was caught. Because I’d tripped before, and that frustrating feeling of having a giving force follow your leg along with your descent was something I’d describe as intentioned. Catching myself on my hands I attempted to scramble forward, but I was held back by that annoying snag on my foot. A snag I couldn't seem to be rid of by waving my leg around, almost as if it were following me. Hearing running steps approaching me, however, I dug my toes in and broke past, pumping my arms as I entered into the sea of grass before me.

The grassy field was an area of dimmed light and extraordinary sound. Each movement I made set off a cacophony of brushing noise as I ran deeper into the forest of grass. The sound stilled as I did to think. My hands were numb, as if my arms were clubs, the fingers shaking with adrenaline as they sluggishly and clumsily responded to my commands. In fact, my whole body shook, my legs feeling weak as it did so with my shaking breath, setting off chains of noise as the grass blades around me shook and rubbed against one another. My body grew number as I could hear slithering paths of shaking grass being formed all around me as, no doubt, they came to follow me. Taking a moment to think, I noticed that they would be able to hear me, but they wouldn’t be able to differentiate the sounds I made from that of their partners as long as I moved in that lax, search party pace they seemed to favor. I stepped forward to mimic their movement speed when my hand brushed against the knife which I’d strapped to my right thigh.

I heard the noise all around me stop as the elves stilled. I was also stunned into stillness as the thought of cutting the rope around my arm and teleporting away hit me. The elves seemed to have a similar idea as, quickly afterward, the field exploded into activity as all the snake paths of sound diverged quickly onto my location as I ran forward and took the knife into my shaking hand, attempting to stick it in between my arm and the rope. The elf’s quickly changed direction to run after me and in my panic I cut along my wrist, feeling cool blood wash along my forearm before finally getting the blade underneath the rope and sawing madly at it. The elves drew ever nearer as I felt the rope coming loose and stopped to brace my feet and put my shoulder into the act of cutting the rope away. I could feel the last of the strands coming loose as I felt that light pressure in the back of my mind which signaled teleportation come into being and heard the elves come within feet of me. And finally, the last strand broke off just as a heavy object cut through the grass behind me and wrapped cleanly around both of my legs, smothering that pressure in my mind along with my hope of escape. Quickly afterward, I was tackled down from two sides as one of my arms fell underneath my body, trapped, and the other was held down as my knife was wrenched away from it. The grass in front of me had bent and fallen with us, leaving me lying on a bed of it with sunlight streaming through the clear space we’d created above and reflecting brightly off the chrome spheres I was sure were wrapped around my leg.

I could feel many things at the moment. I felt the cold of the blood-soaked cloth wrapped around my arm. I felt my leg ache from the sprained ankle, my skin sting with every passing wind from scraping against the deceptively rough blades of grass, and my hands smart from slamming against rough ground while catching my body. I even felt the numbness that came along from having those blue ropes tied tightly around my upper body and legs. I didn’t mind any of that, though. I didn’t mind it because, at the moment, I was more focused on the stomach-knotting vertigo of flying. Well, not flying exactly, hovering. I looked down to see the redhead walk below me whilst wearing an, intricately carved, shiny metal crown with a flat top. Around her, the six other elves walked, keeping relatively in step with her, each of them wearing a rectangular bar engraved with symbols I didn’t make out. Some of them put the bar on a rope around their necks, other’s tied it to a sash around their waist while others still, I guessed, must have had it in a pocket of some sort, or even in their bag. I followed along above them, rising and falling slightly in a sort of rocking motion as they stepped along. I remembered how I’d been caught, cringing at the memory of my naivety but nonetheless looking back and noting that initial strike, how the rope had blasted through the air, zigging toward me. I wondered if that was the same technology they’d used to catch me. Would they keep me in a floating cell? Would they even need a cell made out of Stuff? These were all distractions to me, however. The primary thought in my mind at that moment was the one I’d kept buried. Where was I going? I honestly wondered what it was I’d done to deserve this treatment, and the knot in my stomach only grew tighter as they refused to even acknowledge my existence, much less answer my questions. The dread within continually only grew with each step.

I didn’t sleep the first night we stopped to camp, and neither, it seems, could they. They stayed up all night along with me, sitting quietly around the campfire as they lay me down on my side facing away from them. I stared at the wall of a boulder we were camped next to and watched the shadows made on the wall as large bugs buzzed hypnotically around the fire while the shadow of an elf sitting on a rock behind me continued to look around throughout the night until dawn.

The sunlight streamed onto my face as I was turned over onto my back by that invisible force and chunks of green material were floated down into my mouth. The fact that it’d been three days and five hours since I’d had anything to eat, and the fact that they didn’t seem to want me dead for now, had me all too ready to oblige them. After the rest of my breakfast, I was brought water and we were on the move again. This was the first night in what would be two more days of the same routine. The rest of the day was more travel, now at a quicker pace along a dirt road as the terrain shifted to have fewer trees and less grass as well. Story writers always skip the details of travel because they seem to think them boring, and I was inclined to agree with them as I jerked my legs in their bindings, and flexed my arms against the ropes around them until they hurt. I whipped my head around until I became dizzy and squeezed my stomach in as I thought of songs to sing. I wasn’t trying to escape, mind you; I’d long given up on that endeavor. I was just trying to do something, anything, like a little kid tapping his foot in the backseat of a sixteen-hour car ride. Now, most writers, I would note again, usually skip these details, but in my case, I’d consider my second night the one that every writer ought to make note of because my second night was the night I cried.

I was laid down again, the exact same way as I was the last time. For some reason, it was important to me that it happened the same way, you see. The elves with the bars walked away from the one with the helmet, who remained and did something I didn’t see as I was faced away from them in mid-air, floated over to a patch of ground and gently lowered onto it before being dropped the last couple of inches. The impact jarred me, and it was during this disorientation that tears I couldn't hold back slid down my face. My muscles were restless and there wasn’t even a stone to watch the shadows on this time. This time, I had to stare into the darkness ahead when all I wanted was to run back to the human-seeming shadows I could imagine were real. Left with no tasks, I remembered my sister and my mother and my father, and I desperately wished for guidance from them. Soon, a feeling of tiredness came over me and my eyelids grew heavy as I fell asleep. Perhaps that was a sign that I would need my strength.

The march we undertook the next day was distinctive in a way that I could sense but couldn’t describe. I guess you could say it felt as if the mood had shifted or that the air was weightier, but I wasn’t sure If there was any tangible difference from how our other marches had been previously except for one thing. I saw in the distance, from my vantage point above the others, an elf walking along before us that none of the others acknowledged and, for a moment, it stopped and looked at me. I’m sure it was looking at me. I strained to see something, anything, that might hint at what was in the elf’s eyes as it did so. I wish I’d managed to find out, it might have comforted me for what was to come, or at least given me a hint at the hell into which I was about to descend.

We entered, as the sun fell, past rolling waves of tall grass too constant not to have been farmed and which formed a wall surrounding a settlement ahead. From here we entered into the second circle, where I saw an elf worker, covered in dirt and in chains puke sapphire blood at the feet of my carriers as we passed along. The second circle where I was forced into a hot wave of grotesque the smells of filth and disease. Where I saw an elven child with missing limbs sitting dejectedly in the dirt, keeping her head down as if afraid to look into the eyes of passersby retiring for the knight, where I saw dark mine entrances lined with pure white dust that lines of chained elves were being led out of, dragging along the two corpses of their compatriots chained to them and seeming more annoyed at that fact than anything else, where I saw all elves, ranging from healthy and frightened to starving and hopeless, as if laid out in a timeline, where I heard nothing but the pained groans of the sick huddled away behind walls or under blankets, where I saw their eyes shine up at me with expressions I didn’t fathom. I saw all these things and more as the crowd of elves in front of me parted before us as I was led to the city ahead.

Here in the city, I saw several white wooden houses with blue thatched roofs sitting on fields of blue grass. There was quite a bit of space between each house in the city, a stark contrast to the crowded work fields that surrounded it. I was in shock at this point, not caring for the details as I let all the sights of this new place drift in front of me as if in a dream. Despite all this, however, my eye was drawn, as if attracted, to a large statue rising in the center of it all. An obsidian figure of a female, colored black as charcoal and covered in material the texture of rust. I would note as I got closer that the details of the statue were intricately made; as if I were looking at a living being I could see the lines in her iris and I was sure I saw life in them. The statue itself was standing high atop a gray, stone pedestal twenty feet high and wide. Rising over this pedestal, stuck onto wooden stakes, were three skeletons colored white as if they’d been bleached. Two skeletons were covered in threads of somewhat colored fabric that hung off of them as well as washed out coverings over their feet which stained sections of their bones. It was like someone decided to play dress up with the dead. The third one shocked me still. This one, I hazarded, was far newer than the others. I could tell because it wore a more form-fitting and better held together, if not faded, shirt. It also wort pants which, to me, looked very much like jeans. I cringed as I saw a large gash with rotting, discolored borders run down the front of the skeleton’s shirt. Most shocking of all, however, was a book clutched in the skeleton's bony hands. Bound in red leather with an inch thick spine and decorated with three golden arcs latched on to it at the top bottom and middle of its hollow back case, and on its cover was the word, written in big, bold letters, "praecepta".

Author:  Onaiom [ Sun Oct 22, 2017 5:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

Nice! The quality of the writing improved. First time I read about the Loroi being evil. Keep them coming.

Author:  White [ Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:28 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

Hey guys, no new chapter yet, but I'm close to finishing the next one. Although, If any of you are interested in beta reading, feel free to message me as I'm running into the most roadblocks when I'm trying to figure out if what I'm writing makes sense.

To be clear, I'm not looking for an editor, just someone willing to read a chapter ahead of time and highlight parts that aren't flowing well.

Doesn't sound too bad, does it?

Author:  Onaiom [ Fri Dec 08, 2017 11:19 am ]
Post subject:  Re: From the Heavens Above (Fanfiction)

If you want, I can read it for you.

One thing that was not clear the whole story is when did this happen? Human present or Loroi past?

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