Re: What to Do with Jardin (Fan Fic)
Posted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 11:12 am
by ShadowDragon8685
Monday, January 21st, 2165; 1,651 days after first contact between the Terran Colonial Authority and the Loroi Union
Alex awoke with a start, sucking in a hiss of breath, his body tensed, flooded with adrenaline, primed to scream, leap, act.
There was no reason for any of those actions - it was pointless. He could no more leap five years in time and two hundred light years' distance with an act of muscular exertion than he could leap through a bulkhead, jokes about the hardness of his head aside. He shuddered, clenching his eyes and his teeth; he hadn't had a nightmare quite that bad in a while. A rush of unpleasant emotions ran through him; anger, horror, fear, guilt. He could still hear her voice, screaming, then mocking.
"Alexander?" He blinked, hearing his name spoken - Ellen almost never used his full name. Also, it wasn't her voice, it was far smoother, with an exotic accent. Shit. I woke Fireblade, he thought, as he felt an arm curl up, around his back, squeezing him. He was pressed into her side, her shoulder under his head. She sounded groggy. "Are you well?"
He sucked in a hard breath, shuddering, feeling the tension of the nightmare lingering, despite the pleasant scent of Fireblade's bare skin in his nose. "I... Nightmare," he said, quietly, and Fireblade was quiet. "I... Damn, I'm sorry, Fireblade."
"Do not apologize, my friend. You pulled me from the ending throes of a nightmare of my own," Fireblade said, quietly. Alex swallowed, slowly, as he realized her hand was pressing his against her hip, and he nodded, letting out a shuddering breath.
For a long few moments, neither said anything, and slowly Fireblade's grip relaxed. Alex took a deep breath, letting it in a huff, feeling drained, and Fireblade caressed the back of his hand with her thumb. "Not for the first nor last time do I wish you were not so inscrutable, my friend. I know you are in distress, and I wish I knew what sort so that I might comfort you," Fireblade said, quietly, and Alex let out a wry groan.
"What about you," he asked, opening his eyes and looking up. She turned her head to look at him, and he smiled, sadly. "You were having a nightmare, too... You want to talk about it, Fireblade?"
Fireblade was quiet for a moment, and let out a sigh. "It is not easy to speak aloud of such things." Alex saw her turn her head to the ceiling, taking a sharp breath, and letting it out, quickly. He had a feeling that if he wasn't psychicly blind, he'd feel all kinds of pain from her over it, and he closed his eyes, pressing his head into Fireblade's shoulder.
"You don't have to," he said, unhesitatingly, and Fireblade let out a long, slow sigh.
"I know. Just as you are not required to confide your terrors in me." Fireblade squeezed his hand. "But I shall do so. I was dreaming of when I was young... Have I told you that I was born on Seren?"
Alex bit his lip. "I knew that, but I don't think you told me; Beryl or Tempo might have mentioned it?"
"Possibly." Fireblade shoved the blankets off, for which Alex was also glad, her chest rising and falling, hard. "Seren fell when I was four years old, Alexander. I remember little of that time except... Panic." Alex swallowed, as she spoke. "I was born a warrior, it is true, but my... Power became apparent when I was young," she said, her eyes flashing, glowing, as a puff of displaced air whipped around the room. "Did you know that I had a twin?"
Oh. Oh, fuck me, no, Alex thought, please, no, swallowing hard. "I did. Our early lives," she said, quietly, "were spent in communal life, as would be expected. My twin - I... I cannot tell you her name, Alexander. We were too young to have received formal spoken names at the time," Fireblade said, "and her true name is something I cannot convey without sanzai." Alex shuddered, and closed his eyes, letting his head press into Fireblade's shoulder.
"I am so, so sorry," he said, quietly, and Fireblade reached up, brushing her forefinger across his lip, silencing him.
"You are not apologizing, for you certainly have no culpability, Alexander. You were not even born yet. You are... Sympathetic, I understand," Fireblade said, quietly. "The evacuation of Seren was an absolute disaster. No plans nor preparations had been put in place, and it was far too late. The evacuation of Warrior-caste children was, of course, given a high priority... But not all warrior castes are equal. They tested us, early, hastily, to see if any of us had telekinetic power. The test was highly unpleasant," she said, quietly, "But... I passed."
Fireblade held her hand up, toward the ceiling, and Alex slowly rolled, onto his back, wedged firmly between the wall and Fireblade's side, his eyes locked on her hand, and he reached up, sliding his into hers, squeezing, rubbing his palm through her thumb. "My twin did not. In all likelihood, she would have developed such powers; as you know, it runs in families. But those children who were confirmed to have the potential to be Unsheathed were afforded maximum evacuation priority. We were loaded onto fast couriers, while our less-rare peers were loaded onto larger, bulk transports."
Fireblade shuddered, he felt it in her hand. "If they were lucky, they escaped. The enemy were swarming. Quite a few transports were destroyed on the ground, or in the air, or in space. Some transports were destroyed before they had even landed to take on their passengers. I, as you can see, clearly survived; fast couriers such as this one are very difficult for the shells to catch; in the middle of a determined last stand being fought by the desperate defenders of a planet, virtually impossible. I made it to Deinar, of course, to the traditional training grounds of my caste in the Toridas Highlands."
"Your sister was on one of those transports," Alex said, quietly, and Fireblade shuddered.
"No, Alexander, she was not. The transport destined to retrieve her was shot down before it landed. She was stranded... On Seren."
Alex let out a hiss of breath, swallowing. He bit off the instinct to say he was sorry again, and squeezed Fireblade's cool, soft hand; she squeezed back, hard. "You had a nightmare about the evacuation?"
"Oddly enough, no," Fireblade told him, quietly. "I dreamed that I was a ghostly figure of my adult self, after the shells had begun their extermination campaign; unable to interact, helpless to do anything but observe as they rounded Loroi up, beginning with those least able to fight back and the most vital to the continuation of our species; the males and the children. Herded them into vast ground transport wagons, and whilst underway reduced the air pressure within the cars to that of vacuum."
Oh... Fuck, Alex thought, closing his eyes. Fireblade's hand was like a vice on his; thankfully she wasn't that strong, physically, or he might fear she'd actually crush his hand, but it was still enough to make him grit his teeth. He squeezed back, and Fireblade let out a slow, seething sigh, relaxing her hand after a half minute which felt like an eternity.
"I can't know, of course, how she died," Fireblade said, quietly. "That is how they destroyed the majority of Loroi civilians, the ones who believed they were being transported to detainment centers, or whatever other lies the shells told them, the ones too young or naive to resist being herded in. When resistance occurred, of course, they exterminated it with more conventional means. Either way... My sister was not among the six hundred thousand rescued alive from Seren... Did you know that the shells continued their extermination efforts until literally the last? They made no effort whatsoever to evacuate their own; their defenders fought to buy time for the extermination teams to continue their... Work," Fireblade said, with gritted teeth. "After all, they seem to be without number, regardless of how fast we can reproduce, so every Loroi they could kill was far more than worth the shells who died making it happen in their twisted calculus. As our forces reached the moving extermination conveyors, once word of what they were was getting out, they were blasting holes in the sides to pressurize them in the hopes of saving some who might live."
God, it really does sound like something right out of the Holocaust, Alex thought. He turned, facing Fireblade, and slid his right arm under her shoulders, pulling her close. It was a bit of a risk, but Fireblade made no effort to resist nor gave any sign she objected, turning into the embrace and pressing her head to his shoulder, her hand reaching up to his upper arm, gripping it tightly. She was seething with pain and anger, he could tell.
"In my nightmare," she said, quietly, "I was a ghost; intangible. But not alone. You were there, Alexander; Tempo, Beryl, even Talon. All of us ghostly, intangible, searching through vacuum-vessel cargo wagons, through mountains of the dead awaiting disposal in vast vats of acid. Trying and failing to find her... Nonsensical, of course," she said, her voice slowly lowering from the edge of rage, to resigned sadness. "I'm thankful you woke me from it early, before the search could be... Successful."
Alex swallowed, and closed his eyes. Fireblade was, quite understandably, not sounding at her most stable, but he saw the silhouette of her head shift, to look at him, and opened his eyes, peering into hers. They were both silent for a long few moments, and then Fireblade shifted back, towards the edge of the bed, turning to lay on her back again, with his arm still under her shoulders, and her arm above his shoulders, under his head. Slowly, Alex turned to lay on his back as well, beside her, and Fireblade craned her left leg slightly. He blinked as she placed her foot atop his, her toes curling around his own. "This feels so... Unnatural," Fireblade said, quietly.
"You mean the fact that we're touching and it's all you can do to sense my physical presence," Alex asked.
"Exactly," Fireblade said, quietly. "It is still some challenge to remind myself that you are anything but callous and uncaring to my pain, my friend." Alex smiled, bittersweetly, and squeezed her shoulder, receiving a squeeze of his in turn. "But you, too, had a nightmare. Would it alleviate your pain to share it, as you alleviated mine by allowing me to share my own?"
Alex felt his throat dry, and he reached up, placing his left hand atop his eyes. "It was Ellen again," he said, quietly. "On Bellarmine. Just... Just the wreck of the ship, drifting, endless void behind her." He faltered, shaking his head. He'd had dreams like that for the past five years. At first he'd blamed the nightmares on the hyperspace jumps, but they hadn't jumped in months.
"She started... She started listing off the names. People we knew... The crew of the Bell. Captain Hamilton. Fitz. Walker, Kroc, Scully... Dozens of people we knew, at least a dozen of whom we considered friends." Alex took in a ragged, pained breath, and Fireblade squeezed his shoulder tightly, as he breathed in, hard. "I remember... She was asking if it was a good trade."
"A trade?" Fireblade sounded confused, and Alex let out a wry, pained laugh.
"She was just... Standing there, her helmet holed, her face just a... Just, all... Well, you know what happens to a person in vacuum." Alex and Fireblade were both quiet for a moment. "Just... Talking, mocking me, through vacuum. I was in my old suit, my helmet cracked. She was asking if it was a good trade, if they... If you," he said, sequeezing Fireblade's shoulder, "and Beryl, and Tempo, and Talon, and everybody else, and my own skin, and the chance to be a Big Damn Hero, if they were worth the lives of all the people who died on Bellarmine. If my new friends were worth the trade of my old friends, if Swiftwind were worth the Bell. She gestured behind me, and there all of you were, standing in your armor, with EVA helmets on, just... Staring. Silently. And she asked if you were worth her..."
"You made no such bargain, Alexander." Fireblade said, quietly. "Knowing you as I do, I know you would have attempted, and succeeded, in finding a way to preserve everyone. You are blameless," Fireblade said, quietly, and Alex laughed, rubbing his eyes.
"I know that, up here," he said, lifting his hand and rapping his knuckles on his forehead. "Just as you know that you're not to blame for being separated from your sister," he said, and Fireblade tensed for a moment, then let out a slow, weary sigh.
"Yes, I know that. If I had not been capable of manifesting my power early, under harsh testing, I would have shared her fate. If she had also manifested, we would not have been separated, but the course of my life would have been irrevocably altered, probably leading to my being dead years ago. Yet still, I feel the pain of her loss, of... Of feeling as if I fled like a coward and abandoned her to die."
Alex squeezed Fireblade's right hand with his left, and she let out a sigh. "I know that the choice was not mine to make," Fireblade said quietly, "but still I feel the guilt, as do you."
Alex nodded, rubbing his eyes, swallowing hard, and felt Fireblade shift. She sat up, suddenly, pulling her arm out from under him, sucking in a raw, ragged breath, leaving him looking up at her back, sleek and smooth, half-hidden under her riotous mane of red hair. Every instinct in him screamed at him to reach up, to touch her. After a split second of biting his lip, he did; laying his hand on her lower back, and slowly caressed up, under her hair, towards her neck.
Fireblade tensed up, flinching for a split second, then sighed, relaxing. "I... Are you offended?"
"No." Her voice was quiet. "It simply is not something easy to get used to; feeling a hand suddenly touch my skin... And not feeling the corresponding rush of emotion and thought, being unable to hear you, only sense you." Fireblade half-turned, at her waist, showing her torso in profile, smiling sadly at him. "It is disconcerting, my friend, but I know that you only meant to bolster me, as I bolster you."
He nodded, and slowly pushed back, sitting up as well. "Mmmmh... I... Ugh, what time is it," he asked, and Fireblade chuckled. She leaned off the bunk, and pulled her tablet out from under it, tapping on it, and smirking. "Late enough that we will not have time to return to obtain any satisfactory sleep before we must necessarily be awakened again," she said, and Alex groaned, then let out a wry laugh.
"Naturally," he said, and Fireblade reached down, clasping his left hand, squeezing it.
"Things are seldom otherwise for us. Do not blame yourself. Had you not awoken me, I surely would have awoken you." She smirked, and he could only grin, shaking his head. He opened his mouth to say something, but a yawn hit him instead, and he stifled it in his shoulder. This seemed to amuse Fireblade, who opened her mouth to say something in turn, only to suddenly look away, stifling a yawn of her own.
After a moment of chuckling at her, and Fireblade returning the chuckle, Alex rubbed at his eyes. Oh, wow. I'm a dumbass sometimes, he thought, fishing in the left thigh pocket of his uniform, pulling out his tablet and checking the time - 04:45. Almost four hours of sleep. I'll have to work in a nap somewhere down the line. He'd told Swift Harpoon to have the ship ready to lift by 06:00. Putting the tablet back into his pocket, he looked up again; Fireblade was looking down at him - she looked sleepy, as he was sure she was, but she also looked like the edge of intensity she usually wore was off. She usually looked about that way after just waking up, and he smiled at her, returning his hand carefully to her back. She didn't flinch this time, and he sighed. "Now I'm starting to wonder why the hell I wanted to lift ship at 06:00," he said, and Fireblade smirked.
"I would presume you wish to be rid of Opalstorm as swiftly as possible without simply escorting her to an airlock," Fireblade said, and he laughed, shaking his head.
"Yeaaaaah... She's a bitch, but she doesn't deserve that." He thought of his dream, of Ellen's ghostly, vacuum-exposed figure with her shattered helmet. "Nobody deserves that."
Fireblade snorted at him, but didn't seem to contradict the opinion, and Alex looked down; from her beautiful face, over her shoulder, to her breasts in profile, to her waist, thighs, down to his own jumpsuit, fresh and new, albeit rumpled from having been slept in. "Is anybody else awake? I mean, I'm sure the night shift are awake, I meant -"
"Any of our circle of comrades. One moment." Fireblade's eyes got a faraway look, and she smiled. "Beryl has recently awoken, and is taking advantage of the base's umbilical hookups to enjoy essentially unlimited time in the shower. She feels barely sensate, but contented." Alex smirked slightly.
"Man, I know just how that goes." Fireblade smirked back.
"Indeed. Tempo is still asleep. Talon..." Fireblade's brow furrowed. "I cannot reach her mind... She must have disembarked. Perhaps to visit Spiral?"
"Perhaps." Talon had more than enough rank and clout to come and go as she pleased, and Jardin bit his lip, wondering about that.
"Naturally, I cannot touch Ensign Kelly's mind," Fireblade pointed out, "And I do not know what accommodations were made for her. Beryl would know, but she's enjoying herself so much it seems a shame to interrupt her," Fireblade said. Alex's first inclination was to imagine Beryl was masturbating in the shower, for which he chastised himself. Down boy. Nobody'd do that in the showers on a ship this damn small, he told himself; far more likely, she was quite simply luxuriating under an endless spray of hot water, something which he was intimately familiar with. He shook his head, and looked back up at Fireblade.
"Wouldn't the bridge know where she is," Alex said, and Fireblade grinned.
"They would, but I am hesitant to contact someone I am not intimately comfortable with right now. They would receive just enough context to likely draw entirely erroneous conclusions," she said with a smirk, and Alex nodded.
"Right... Hell, she'll turn up sooner than later, at just the right time," he said, sitting up slowly, bringing himself to Fireblade's side. "Adjutants like her always do."
Fireblade laughed, and he grinned, turning back to look at her. Seeing the normally serious and dour Fireblade's mood lift, even slightly, was a welcome treat, and he sighed, closing his eyes; her bare form replaced with the silhouette of itself, like a slice of the sun. As her chuckle wound down, he sighed, running his hand over her smooth back, slowly caressing her. "Fireblade? Last night, before... Before I reminded myself of Ellen. Why were you asking what you were asking," he asked, quietly.
"About whether you'd ever seriously considered mating with any of us?" Alex nodded, and she leaned back, onto her hands, looking up at the ceiling. "Stormrage. Her...Tale, what happened to her, what she had seen, and done... It gave me a great deal worth considering." she added, turning her head towards him. "And it occurred to me that you had probably made your own considerations on the topic."
Jardin bit his lip. "I see. And, um... This was the first time you... Considered such things?"
"No," Fireblade said, quietly, looking back up at the ceiling. "Of course, a person devotes some thoughts to such things, especially when one lives near to those who provoke such questions. Loroi are no less prone to such... Rumination than humans are. The first time I seriously considered the idea was..." She trailed off, quiet for a moment. "I hesitate to speak of it, I know it is an uncomfortable thing for you to remember."
"The Hos'te Blec," Jardin intuited, and Fireblade nodded. He sighed, and leaned back as well; keeping his hand on Fireblade's lower back, he laid back, his head upon the curled-up blanket resting against the wall. "I always wondered what that was like for... For you guys."
"Awkward, uncomfortable, sexually arousing, and dispiriting," Fireblade answered, quietly but without hesitation. He blinked, opening his eyes.
"I-I'm sorry - sexually arousing?" His surprise must have been audible, as Fireblade turned her torso again, smirking at him over her shoulder.
"Of course. Uncomfortably so," she said, "Not in intensity, but in the... In the feeling of it at all. The... Situation was so deeply undignified, at the least..." She paused, and her expression softened, reaching her left hand in and clasping his hand against her waist. "But you are exotic and attractive. The body does not cooperate with the mind under such circumstances."
Alex bit his lip, thinking about the many times he'd wound up with uncomfortable erections he was trying to hide from the Loroi, and nodded. "I know exactly what you mean," he said, and Fireblade smirked.
"Yes, I know you do," she said, and then sighed, leaning her head back again, looking up. "As I said, it was... Deeply awkward. Disturbingly clinical, in a way. The Hos'te Blec Doranzer would notice that you would become... Ready, again, and would apply some sort of cream, both to prevent... Damage from such repetitive use, and to provide lubrication. The girls outside were engaging in various... Competitions," she said, with what sounded to him like a derisive tone, "to see who got to go next. Tempo was moderately outraged by this, and Beryl was upset at the indignity of your situation."
"And you?"
"You are my friend," Fireblade said, heat coming into her voice. "Not a pleasure-toy to be shared amongst a pack of excited, eager girls who have never seen a flesh and blood penis before," she clarified. "I was nearly incandescent with outrage... Tempo kept me under control. Beryl reminded me that with that electrical blizzard raging outside, Spiral would not be able to reach us with any kind of air transport short of a Highland-class shuttle, which she did not have access to; she feared that without such relief, you would come to harm. So I silenced my objections - we all did - and agreed to it under the presumption of medical need."
"And Talon?"
Fireblade smirked. "She wanted to throw the Hos'te Blec out and... Take care of matters ourselves." Alex felt himself blush at that, picturing the tattooed, dyed Talon's face. "At first, anyway," Fireblade clarified. "After she... Watched one such encounter, she revised her opinion. Or rather, she revised her enthusiasm for it. Her opinion did not change."
"I... Huh?" Alex half sat up, looking up at Fireblade. "What do you mean?" She snorted.
"At first, her enthusiasm was as great as those of the Hos'te Blec girls. Surely you have not thought all of her teasing was pure jest?" Fireblade arched an eyebrow, looking at him, and Alex gulped. She laughed, quietly. "Oh, you have?"
"I... I was unsure," he admitted. "Every... Instinct in me was screaming that it wasn't just in jest, but that she was interested... But I've been telling my instincts to shut up for the past five years."
Fireblade's quizzical look turned into a soft grin, and she shook her head. "Hardly. Oh, I don't believe she would have acted on it - though I admit I may be incorrect on that point - but Talon, Spiral, they are both prone to misbehavior. To acting out against societal norms, as much as they can get away with. Such is common amongst combat fighter pilots. The way she has behaved towards you over the last five years, the... Overt familiarity, the sexual teasing, would surely have earned her a reprimand were you a Loroi male somehow in her charge. Indeed, some have wished to remove her from your company."
"What?!" Alex asked, and Fireblade smiled at him.
"Talon is undoubtedly one of your best friends, as much so as I, Beryl and Tempo, I believe Spiral is nearly as close?" He nodded. "Tempo argued that it would harm our diplomatic efforts if the pilots to whom you have become accustomed were removed from your circle and ones unknown to you were substituted. She pointed out that you were not a Loroi male, and thus such flirtatious behavior was ultimately harmless at worst, and beneficial to the diplomatic process if it put you at ease."
"Wow... really?" Alex blinked, and Fireblade smirked at him.
"They suggested that Tempo flirt with you instead. She asked them to please leave the decisions regarding diplomatically handling the human to those who had become the foremost Loroi experts on humanity, and this request was granted."
Alex snorted at that, and rubbed his eyes. "... Yeah, I should be glad. I'd rather have Tempo making those calls than some senior Mizol who's spent the last two hundred years embedded in Barsam culture... But anyway, you said Talon's enthusiasm changed, but not her opinion? How does that work?"
"Her reasoning changed. After she witnessed you being... Relieved by one of the Hos'Te Blec, she found it to be a deeply undignified thing. Instead of treating the matter as light and potentially pleasurable, she felt that perhaps we should be the ones performing that... Service, because unlike the Hos'Te Blec girls, we were your friends and sympathetic to your desires and feelings, whereas they only saw the opportunity to have sex."
Alex bit his lip, his throat dry. "She was... Convincing," Fireblade said. "We had actually decided to do so."
"You... You did?" Alex felt like his heart skipped a beat. "You mean you guys... You..." He struggled to find words, and Fireblade looked back, with a sad look on her face.
"We did not. We had resolved to watch you in shifts of twenty-thousand solon. Talon missed her first assigned shift, as Tempo had detailed her to attempt to make land passage to the nearest settlement. She was forced to turn back, and was exhausted, nearly frozen, so she slept by a fire. She was present for the last time you were... Mounted, and then made her argument. It was convincing, and we decided it was time to perform such duties ourselves. But by that point, thankfully, the... Arousing power of that liquid was spent. You did not become... Ready, again."
The thought that his friends had almost had sex with him while he was delirious made his mouth dry, and Alex licked his lips. He slowly removed his hand from Fireblade's back, and raised both hands, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes, taking a slow, long breath. "Are you... Upset?"
"Yes, Fireblade, I am. I am upset about what happened. I... I know you all meant well. I'm not angry, and that's frustrating for me. Because part of me feels like I should be angry, damn angry, but... I'm not. I'm just upset, and there's nobody I'm upset with."
He took a heavy breath again, his eyes flicking - unable to see Fireblade's psychic presence, even though his leg was touching hers. After a moment, he slid his foot over, touching the side of Fireblade's left with his right, and her psychic silhouette sprang back into view again, stiffening for a moment, then relaxing. To his wonderment, she pushed her left foot fully atop his, rubbing and curling her toes around his. He swallowed, but didn't complain, musing that her feet were astonishingly smooth, especially for someone as active as she was. "I understand your meaning, Alexander. I am grateful that you are not angry with us."
"I..." Alex sighed, rubbing his eyes, and moving his hands away, looking up at Fireblade, who was leaning back, half-turned, on her left arm, looking at him. "How could I be? You were trying to help me. You guys genuinely feared for my health, and the best medical advice you had at the time was, well, to go through with it." He sighed, shaking his head. "How... I mean..." He sighed, quietly. "What was it like?"
"... It was, as I said, uncomfortable, Alexander. You were laid out on a bed, wearing a robe, loosely restrained at the hands to prevent you from rolling off the bed or lashing out unexpectedly - a few times I believed you believed you were in combat - but not so much as to restrict your movement. As I mentioned, the doctor would apply some sort of cream to your penis to prevent damage from such use, and provide some lubrication. One of the girls would be brought in, she would disrobe and climb atop you, lowering herself upon you. The doctor was watching your vitals, and one of us was simply watching; to ensure she did not become overzealous and risk harming you. When it was over, the girl would leave, the doctor's assistants would clean you, and for a time you were quiet and calm. This then repeated."
Alex swallowed, and closed his eyes, shaking his head. "We all felt it was deeply undignified... Unpleasant - the Hos'Te Blec girls were all young, eager - they'd not yet been with a male. They treated this as an opportunity to have an unusual pleasurable time, they did not; perhaps could not, appreciate how unpleasant it was to see someone we knew as valiant, loyal, friendly, in such a... State. Had we known then how upsetting an affront to your autonomy you would believe it to be, I would have absolutely forbidden it. I was very near to doing so after I realized the girl I was watching... Mount you did not really see you as an honored guest in that state, but as a particularly hot-blooded flesh toy."
Alex swallowed; he hadn't had the full details. Now that he had them, he wasn't pleased with them. Still, it was better than not knowing. He sat up, slowly, and wrapped his arms around Fireblade's shoulder and abdomen. She froze for a moment, but didn't object, and he let out a heavy sigh. "Thank you for telling me," he said, quietly. "I'm not pleased by it... But I am... Well... Knowing is better than not."
Fireblade nodded, and he saw her close her eyes. "It is indeed, my friend... Alexander, tell me; do you feel that I have slighted you?"
"I..." She had insulted him many times in their relationship, the vast majority of them towards the beginning. "What do you mean?"
"Last night. Now," Fireblade said, pressing her foot down against his, and he blinked. "I know that traditionally, the males of humanity occupy the dominant, protector rules that Loroi females do. I try to treat you as I would a fellow woman, a warrior, but I do not always succeed. It is deeply ingrained instinct, and I fear I may be insulting you without intent."
"Oh... You mean like when you wrapped your arms and legs around me and held me tight," Alex asked, and Fireblade nodded. He let out a breath, and chuckled. "It felt a little... Emasculating, I'll admit."
Fireblade's eyes opened, and she suddenly laughed. He blinked, leaning back. "I was just unintentionally humorous, wasn't I?"
"Yes, my friend. The word 'emasculating.'" Fireblade grinned, shook her head. "I assume you do not mean in the literal sense, as I certainly have not dismembered you," she said, and he bit his tongue so as to not laugh at her unintentional pun, "But in the sense that humanity associates 'masculinity' with strength, power, and protectiveness?"
"Um... Yes, exactly," Alex said, and Fireblade chuckled. "Which are not typically virtues associated with Loroi males, I know," he said, and Fireblade shook her head.
"They are not, my friend. Loroi males are slim, graceful, often heartbreakingly beautiful, as much if not moreso than Tempo." He blinked; come to think of it, he'd never actually seen a Loroi male. "Typically they are quite a lot shorter than you or I. Beryl compares favorably to our men in size," she said with a chuckle, and Alex blinked. Then he chuckled, shaking his head.
"Man, I still haven't seen one, have I? I wonder how that happened."
"Male Loroi are not involved in the decision-making processes," Fireblade noted. "And they are, as you might imagine, fiercely sheltered. It is not so surprising," she said, and he bit his lip, then shrugged.
"I suppose not... And no, I don't feel insulted. I know you, of all people, aren't patronizing me... Or matronizing me... Or whatever," he said, squeezing Fireblade. "And you can forgive me if all of my instincts scream at me to be protective of you, right?"
"I can. Even if it does complicate my orders to safeguard you when you put yourself at risk to safeguard me," Fireblade said, with a chuckle, and Alex shrugged, smiling.
"Yeah, well, I'm a pain in the ass. We've always known that." Fireblade grinned at him, and he sighed, slowly relaxing, turning back to sit next to her, reaching back, laying his hand above hers. He sighed, and looked up at the ceiling himself. "So... You guys were gonna... Kick out the Hos'te Blec girls and..."
"We were, yes," Fireblade said, quietly. "Beryl volunteered to go first."
"Beryl did?" Alex blinked, picturing Beryl atop him for a moment, and turned looking at Fireblade, and she nodded.
"Yes. She felt she was unambiguously the least threatening of us, and the one with whom you were most at ease being physically intimate with. You had started to have a few semi-lucid moments, and she felt that if you came to your senses during the... The act, you would find her least alarming."
Alex blinked, and thought about that, then snorted. "I... I can't say she's wrong, really. But 'least alarming' in a situation like that is like turning on your sensors and finding only thirty destroyers waiting for you, instead of heavy cruisers. Even with Beryl, I think, that would have been a hell of a shock."
Fireblade's lips twisted up in a grin, and she shook with muffled laughter. His eyes glanced down at the way her silent laughter made her breasts bounce, and then back up, starting to laugh with her, shaking his head and sighing, when the chuckles subsided. "I... Man, I don't know how I'd feel... Maybe a little less violated, but I'd... Probably feel kinda guilty," Alex said, biting his lip, then sighing. "But... Let's not talk about that right now, okay? You said that was the first time you seriously gave the idea thought. What was the second - no, wait. The robots."
"Exactly. The state that we were in, so intimately connected, far more acutely than sanzai..."
"I could feel your muscles straining in the cockpit," Alex said. "I could feel everything, and I... It... It was kind of weird, but... Arousing," he admitted. "Flying around like that, trashing the shells like so much junk... The... Bloodlust in you. It was frightening," he admitted, "but at the same time... I could feel every beat in your heart, the... The malicious satisfaction with every shell vessel we destroyed... I could also, um..."
"You were cognizant of my body, as I was of yours," Fireblade picked up, turning her hand slightly, to lace her fingers through his from below. "As we were of each other's thoughts, instincts, and emotions, so too were we aware of each other's sensations." She looked at him, smirking. "Yes, I felt the straining intensity of your erection, just as I knew you spent some time dwelling on the feeling of my sex. We both... Pushed it to the backs of our minds; after all, there was a battle to win."
"Yeah. And we won so hard. So hard they sent a heavy cruiser just to take us out of the fight," he said, and Fireblade grinned.
"Yes. We awoke sharing a recovery room," she said in turn, with a grin. "In those annoying body restraints, but seldom can I remember my morale being so high. The Hierarchy felt our combined wrath that day. My only regret is that we were unable to free ourselves from the vessel ramming us into the planet and destroy the rest of the fleet."
Alex snickered at that, shaking his head. He had touched her mind, felt that berserker fury in her. It was frightening... But now, with some more context, picturing a girl identical to her being exterminated? He understood it; it filled him with a cold anger, and he squeezed Fireblade's hand, his fingers curling under her palm. She sucked in a deep breath, and let it out, slowly. "And yes, I considered... the idea of mating with you. While we were in those casts, our bones broken but our spirits high, dizzyingly so, exulting in our triumph... I didn't give voice to those considerations, but it was... Heady. The aftermath, I mean, thinking back upon fighting at your side in such a... Connected way. Landing on the hull of a shell destroyer and ripping into it, watching you sieze a gunship physically and use it as a cudgel against a cruiser. Feeling it, and sharing my feelings. The absolute certainty that you and I were as one mind, one purpose; that you would not falter, or hesitate, or show the shells any mercy, even if they fled."
"... Yeah, well, I don't know how much of that was me, and how much was you," Alex admitted. "But you're right. Then, there? I was absolutely with you, to the hilt." He squeezed her hand, and sighed. "And now, I know why you're so... Pitiless when it comes to them."
Fireblade closed her eyes, and nodded. "Yes, you do." Her foot stroked over his, and he closed his own eyes in turn, enjoying the feeling. "Do you still disagree?"
Alex bit his lip, and sighed. "That's a complicated question, Fireblade," he said, and she chuckled.
"Of course it is, my friend. If it were simple, we would already be of one mind on the topic," Fireblade said, and Alex reached up, running his left hand through his sand-colored hair.
"Yeah... I dunno..." He bit his lip. "I mean, thinking about it, about Seren... The other planets they captured... It makes me angry; no, furious. When humans decided to industrially genocide another race, everybody on the planet almost ganged up to crush them into the dirt. We didn't stop chasing the ones who escaped punishment, either; we prosecuted rickety old men on their last legs for things they'd done when they were twenty. Some things cannot be forgotten, and will not be forgiven... And thinking about another Loroi who looked just like you... Caught up in..." He swallowed. "That? I never knew, Fireblade. I never knew, but I am angry, just thinking about it. About what they did... But, well..." He sighed. "Let's talk about that another time, Fireblade," he asked.
"As you wish. I have no desire to conflict with you, Alexander, least of all at this moment." Fireblade leaned back again, looking at the ceiling, and so did he. They sat in silence for a few long moments, and Fireblade spoke up again. "Alex, tell me; when you dwell upon the thought of mating with us, do you find it a welcome thought, or an unwelcome distraction?"
Alexander bit his lip. "At first, an unwelcome distraction; pleasant to consider, but only in an abstract way. Now... I find it rather more welcome. What do you think?"
"Essentially, I feel the same. When we first knew one another, I felt it was an unwelcome thought that wandered through my mind, and I put it down to having gone too long without so much as pleasuring myself, let alone having been with a male. Now, I find the idea... Intriguing. Not something to act upon recklessly, but... I consider it. Put thought into it."
He nodded, slowly. Huh... Okay, so Loroi do masturbate. I've always wondered. "Why?"
"You are my friend; you are a warrior with whom I have shared in triumph and sorrow. At first, I considered you a dangerously attractive, exotic alien to be wary of. That made your sexual appeal great, but left me instinctively distrustful of you. Then I accepted you as a companion, not merely an obligation; then a warrior. And meeting Stormrage again, speaking with her about... About the things that she has done. About her... Relationship, with a human, has given me much to dwell upon."
Alex nodded, biting his lip. "I see... I suppose I understand that, too. Have you reached any conclusions?"
"Some," Fireblade said, quietly. "One of the first conclusions I reached was about her proclivity to escalate her intimate friendships to sexual ones. I never faulted her for such relationships; now, I think, I might be open to such activities myself."
Jardin's eyebrow raised, and he looked at Fireblade, who was still looking at the ceiling. "What changed," he asked. "Was there something she said that enhanced the appeal?"
"The appeal? No, I've always seen the appeal," Fireblade said with a chuckle. "What is there not to see in it? Loroi of armed pursuits like Stormrage, or Pulsar, or myself; we have an undeniably desirable appeal, strong, aggressive... Much like you," she said, turning and offering him a warm grin. "The likes of Talon and Spiral; reckless, almost fearless, adventurous... Tempo; intelligent, deep, exotic, alluring... The appeal of my race is hardly lost on me," she said, and he felt a gentle jab in his ribs; telekinetic, not elbow. "As evidenced by the relationships I already have with them. When you can share thoughts and emotions, with the depth that is sanzai... Well, it seems little enough a step from sharing hearts to sharing bodies, and it has been far too long since I orgasmed," she said with candor.
"So... What's stopped you," he asked. "The taboo?"
"Indeed. The taboo. The fear of sanction, of potentially damaging the morale of my fellows and my shipmates. The risk of all-consuming connection, the danger that it can bring."
"Ah... So, what changed?"
"Something Stormrage sent to me. When I felt her... Connection to the late Sergeant Aldridge, the sadness of loss, yet... Her resolve to go on, to continue living her life. I did not think that possible... Partly, it was that, I realized she was attracted to me. Yet, she'd never acted upon it; it had never become an issue, because I had never indicated any interest. But mostly, I think, it was something she sent that has put me in an... Introspective mood."
"What was it," Alex asked, listening intently, and Fireblade chuckled.
"It seemed morbid, at the time; resigned, at the least. 'It is not our place to question why; it is our role to do and die.' Nihilistic, almost, yet... Poignant."
Alex blinked; he knew those words. After a moment, he squeezed Fireblade's hand, switching to English. "'Theirs not to make reply; theirs not to reason why; theirs but to do and die. Into the Valley of Death rode the six hundred.'"
Fireblade turned to look at him, raising her eyebrow. "More human fiction?" He smirked.
"Not this time. It's from a poem, 'The Charge of the Light Brigade.' It was written about an actual battle." He thought back to being assigned to memorize the poem in high school, and wondering exactly what the point of memorizing a 300-year-old poem was. Thanks, Mr. Grainger.
"What was the event so memorialized," Fireblade asked, and Alex closed his eyes, sighing, as she asked, "A victory against all odds?"
"Not in the slightest," Alex said, his mind calling up facts learned in school. They'd stuck with him thanks to being compelled to memorize the poem. "It was written to commemorate one of the most epic disasters in the history of one of our militaries, to celebrate the valor of the common soldiers, whilst at the same time condemning most harshly, if obliquely, the actions of their officers. It was - ... I'm sorry, it probably means nothing to you, do you really want me to ramble on about old history?"
"I would very much prefer that you do elaborate," Fireblade said, caressing his foot again with hers, and Alex smiled.
"Okay. Well, it's an old tale, as I said. It dates from the early age of industry - steam-powered machinery, powder-fired rifles which, if you were lucky, could be loaded one cartridge at a time by the breech, the barest experiments with electricity."
Fireblade laughed, shaking her head. "That is old history, isn't it," she asked, and he nodded. "I am surprised your people remember it so well."
"That's the advantage of not having sanzai, or being able to live to damn-near five hundred," Alex said, getting a quizzical look from Fireblade. "We have to write things down if we want future generations to remember them. No need for a Listel like Beryl to memorize and pass on the mental equivalent of an oral history, or to find one like her; we can just look up what we want to know on essentially a moment's notice."
Fireblade smirked, and he felt another telekinetic flick at his ribs. He continued, "So, anyway, the Light Brigade was a horse cavalry regiment. Horses were beasts of burden and war - they're still around, but rarely used for burden and never for war anymore. We can ride on the backs of them, and we were using them in warfare regularly until the dawn of powered heavier-than-air flight, and sporadically, for irregular purposes, even into the last century. There was a big battle in a valley; the enemy was occupying highlands to each side; artillery and infantry both, and had a battery of artillery at the end of the valley, emplaced to shoot down the length of it. Classic killbox, you're familiar with it."
Fireblade nodded, as he took a breath. "Anyway, light cavalry is fast-moving, unarmored. Great for chasing down retreating enemies. The overall commander wanted the Light Brigade to attack some enemy soldiers which were far away, having successfully captured an emplacement of friendly heavy artillery, which they were attempting to remove from where they had been emplaced. This was the best sort of task for the Light Brigade; the enemy would be forced to either abandon the guns,"
"Or be destroyed in detail, yes," Fireblade said. "The enemy had some surprise force they did not forsee?"
"If only it were that," Alex said, with a snort. "Remember, we don't have sanzai, and this was before the days of radio. The order had to be delivered in writing, by a messenger, and the message was hasty and unclear. The commander of the Light Brigade asked which guns he was to attack, the messenger gestured with his arm. It is recorded that he was percieved to have indicated the guns at the end of the valley. Straight through the killbox."
Fireblade snorted, sucking in a breath, but then she paused. "The order was misinterpreted, but surely it had to be obviously suicidal," she said. Alex nodded.
"It was. That did not stop the Light Brigade; they mounted and charged. Six hundred men and horses. Straight down the barrel of enemy artillery, with even more artillery and infantry raining hellfire onto them from the heights to the sides."
Fireblade was still, and quiet. "Two kilometers," he said, quietly. "On horseback, that took seven minutes to cross. They knew it was insane, absurd on the face of it, but they did it."
"'It is not ours to reason why; it is but ours to do and die,'" Fireblade quoted, and Alex nodded.
"The whole poem is quite a bit longer than that," Alex said, "But that's the line that people remember the most. The poem, the event, exemplifies the heroism of the common soldiers - and the atrocious failings of the officers of the day. The messenger who delivered the message realized he had been misinterpreted - perhaps he was being sarcastic and indicated the guns at the end of the valley, perhaps he believed he indicated the correct guns and was misunderstood. We'll never know, because he joined the charge; some think to call it off, but he was cut down in the first minute, and the charge continued onward."
"What was the outcome," Fireblade asked, quietly, and Alex shook his head, sighing.
"The Light Brigade reached the guns, charged right down the barrels, and attacked the artillerymen, who had been firing until the last minute. They scattered them, but they were far too weak, and isolated from friendly support, to hold the position. They had to retreat, back the way they came, and the enemy certainly didn't let them just get away clean. Let me... Let me see."
He pulled his tablet from his pocket, and held it up to his head. "Search: Charge of the Light Brigade." The first result was about the poem, the second, was the charge itself, and he pressed on it with his thumb, his tablet querying the Lunar Internet, and offering the option to use laser connections to search the Terrestrial Internet.
"Yeah... I thought so," he said, scrolling to the aftermath section. "It was a clusterfuck. Six hundred - well, actually more like six-hundred seventy, but the poem rounds to six hundred as it sounds better - men charged down the valley and retreated. A hundred and eighteen died outright, a hundred twenty-seven were wounded, and sixty were taken prisoner. Oh, the kicker?" He grinned, wryly. "The officer behind it all," he said, scrolling to double-check, "made it out completely unscathed. The idiot who ordered nearly seven hundred men to charge down the barrels of the enemy guns, then he left. He didn't bother to rally the survivors, or even find out what happened to them. He just left, went back to his personal yacht, cleaned up, and ate a fine dinner."
Fireblade's eyes flashed with anger, looking down at him. "I... No, I know you are not joking, I... I do hope he was executed for such callous behavior," she said, and he bit his lip, then looked down at his tablet.
"Let's see... Huh, no. He was actually promoted later on. He blamed the dead messenger and his commander in front of the legislature of the time, and... He never saw active combat again, but they promoted him after he suggested a solution to some procedural problem the legislature was having."
Fireblade snorted, and shook her head. "That, my friend, is a disgrace," she said, and he nodded.
"Yeah... I agree with you. So would pretty much the majority of the population at the time, including the man who wrote the poem," he said. "Why is it so surprising to you? I'm sure bonehead maneuvers like that have happened in Loroi history, too," he said, and Fireblade nodded.
"Naturally. Typically, in such a case, if the leader in question had not the good graces to die to enemy action, one of her subordinates who survived would have challenged her to a duel, or her superiors would have had her executed... I do not know of any cases where such incompetence has been memorialized in a poem, though."
Alex grinned, wryly. "We memorialize just about everything. And it's not just about the officer's incompetence," he added, and she nodded.
"Yes, I see; not just about the leader who failed, but about the soldiers who did their duty, even when it was suicidal," she said, with a nod. "That makes the battle all the worse; such valor should never be wasted on a pointless or impossible task, it should be reserved for when such an action can accomplish something that lesser forces would be unable to do, but which are possible and can be meaningful." Fireblade squeezed his fingers between hers, and his toes with hers. He nodded, and sighed, and so did she. She let out another sigh, and shook her head, smiling wryly. "I find it interesting that she quoted that poem, then. It seems unlikely she would have ordered her thoughts as such, unless deliberately recalling it."
Alex nodded, waiting for Fireblade to elaborate, which she did presently. "It made me dwell on the nature of duty, of loss. Of the possibility of death - my own, or that of those whom I consider close." She squeezed his fingers, tightly. "Eventually, such thoughts turned back to my friends, those I consider my closest; not merely allies, or comrades, but those I care deeply for, such as yourself; you, Alexander, and Tempo, Talon, Beryl... Spiral, and... Reed," she said, quietly, sighing softly.
"And that made you wonder if maybe she - Stormrage - was on to something with her... Proclivities?"
"Precisely, Alexander. Precisely," Fireblade said, turning, sitting crosslegged on the bed, suddenly, facing him. He blinked, and sat up, looking into her eyes; Fireblade reached out, laying her hand on his again, squeezing it.
"Have you reached any conclusions?"
"I have arrived at some conclusions of principle," Fireblade admitted, quietly. "I do not now, nor did I before, believe there is anything innately wrong with using sexual stimulation to express bonds of intimate friendship. Stormrage challenged me, asked me if somehow, the depth and intensity of the attachments I had with you was somehow less than that she had with her intimates, because sexual touch was not part of my relationships and it was of some of hers. I had no good answer, and still do not. And so, I am considering such things - things that I dismissed out of hand previously. I am considering what they would be like, how, or if, such connections would alter the relationships I cherish most. I have to consider that I may simply be considering unwise things because I am sexually frustrated, or if the ill-wisdom of them is overstated. I have much to consider, and do not have all the conclusions I need yet."
Alex listened, and nodded, squeezing her hand, and receiving a squeeze in turn. "Additionally," Fireblade said with a smirk, "there is the concern that, apparently, a human can make us pregnant. With my being assigned to safeguard you at all costs by the Emperor herself, I could ill-afford the practical hurdles presented by becoming pregnant; even by a Loroi male. I certainly do not wish to deal with the... Complications that would arise from an oddity like Stormrage's son, or the Hos'Te Blec girls. That presents an additional conundrum to be considered."
Unable to help himself, Alexander laughed, muffling it and shaking his head, grinning. Fireblade raised her eyebrow. "I have been unintentionally humorous?"
"No, not really. It's just... There are other ways that men and women can pleasure one another," Alex pointed out, with a grin, and Fireblade laughed in turn, grinning and squeezing his hand.
"Alexander, it has been nine years since I last mated," Fireblade said, stressing the time. "I am frustrated, and you are very attractive. If we were to begin such an encounter, it would finish with me around you, regardless of any intentions we had beginning. In the heat of passion, I would not regret it, but upon regaining my head, I would."
Alex considered explaining the invention of the condom, but Fireblade leaned close, stroking his upper arm. "No problem is truly insurmountable, of course. The question to be asked is whether it should be. I have not all the answers, yet. Do you?"
Alex blinked. "I... What do you mean?" He swallowed, looking into her eyes - such flashing, passionate green, and closed his eyes, watching as the visible world gave way to her silhouette again
"Hypothetically, if I were to decide that it was worth it, if I made my interest and willingness to mate known to you, would you reciprocate?"
Blinking a few times, Alex bit his lip, glancing down, Fireblade's body before him; pert, firm breasts, fit abdomen, parted legs revealing the front of her smooth pubic mound, her firm thighs giving way to hard calves, before he was looking at his own lap. He bit his lip more firmly, and Fireblade chuckled. "You need not be embarrassed, Alexander; we both consider one another deeply attractive. I know your instincts are ready to mate, and I do not consider it terribly relevant. What do you feel?"
Alex snorted, taking a deep breath, trying to ignore the erection in his shorts. "I... I think it would... Depend to some degree on circumstances... But mainly on what... Was meant by it. Why is as important as what, right?"
Fireblade considered, and nodded. "I agree. It would be... Unfortunate if we were to mate, and then realize that our motivations in doing so were not alignment... No matter how good it would be in the moment."
Alex nodded, licking his lips. "Yeah... A lot of human relationships can wind up foundering over that very thing," he said, and Fireblade nodded.
"I agree. Thank you, Alexander. For talking such things through with me," she said. "This has been a difficult conversation to have aloud... Awkward, at times. But thank you."
Alex blinked, and nodded, as Fireblade drew away, and stood up, rolling hoer shoulders. She opened the armoire, and pulled out her off-duty jumpsuit. "Beryl appears to be attempting to reach a state of meditative trance in the shower. As we have yet quite some time before you have planned to lift ship, I believe I shall join her, especially as Tempo is waking and will likely join us as well. Would you join us?"
Alex bit his lip, considering.