[Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

[inxsi]

The unification meant that the existing system became bigger, Loroi being subordinate to other Loroi wasn't much of a novelty. But here, will the humans get their own caste, like the Perrein's Mizol or Taben's Tenoin? I don't think so.
Anyway, do the humans even have a warrior/civilian structure similar to the Loroi one? Emberwing might take the term nobility too literally, and she is probably overly fixated on the "warrior" part. Who says that the psionic humans need to be warriors?

I just think it is odd that she is ignoring the non-psychic Human warriors - to my understanding, everyone on the Charon would count as a warrior in the Loroi view, and they would have a bigger issue trying to figure out integrating non-psychic Humans in the crew than psychics (who obviously are the best).

My understanding is that the Loroi have a pretty flexible view of warrior given the tasks that the military handles in Loroi society, so they could likely file away all sorts of non-military psychic Humans (who probably exist) as warriors.

I doubt that there are any particular restriction on how the warriors must dress off-duty, especially back home. Unless it's dark elf fashion.

I tend to think there would be societal expectations on warrior clothing - maybe not regulated by law but by custom (much like many human fashions). But I don't think we have any information on that so it is just speculation on my part.

[Cthulhu]

I just think it is odd that she is ignoring the non-psychic Human warriors - to my understanding, everyone on the Charon would count as a warrior in the Loroi view, and they would have a bigger issue trying to figure out integrating non-psychic Humans in the crew than psychics (who obviously are the best).

My understanding is that the Loroi have a pretty flexible view of warrior given the tasks that the military handles in Loroi society, so they could likely file away all sorts of non-military psychic Humans (who probably exist) as warriors.

She merely assumed that the "telepathic nobility" is the actual ruling warrior class and the others are low-class warriors or civilian specialists, like the doctor that she met after waking up. The Loroi also have non-warriors, namely the farseers on board, but they do not permit any aliens in their crews. This is not Star Trek! There are some "enthralled" Golim of course, although I think that they count as equipment.

The definition of what a warrior does is indeed broad, but their role as a class is not, they are the rulers. Basically, while it is called the Union, it is de facto the Loroi and their vassals with some degree of autonomy and representation. The Loroi are the undisputed masters (self-proclaimed), rulers and defenders of this Empire, why would they want to share this position with newcomers, if they do not even allow it for any of the long-time members?

I tend to think there would be societal expectations on warrior clothing - maybe not regulated by law but by custom (much like many human fashions). But I don't think we have any information on that so it is just speculation on my part.

I doubt that the dress is outrageously enough to cause any morals or customs to be violated in any way.

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Also, you fell for my red herring. Great success!

[Bamax]

Diplomacy Review: Mostly true to form.

The characters, at least what we know of them.

Alex in a fashion not unlike his comic self chose to seemingly mock the Loroi's view of being a warrior by suggesting he weat a pelt of his latest kill, or more absurd, a pike with his enemy's head! That was Alex alright... comic Alex who seems to not mind jeering or ribbing those who who dislike him.

Beryl was hyper, nothing unusual about her in this case. My word! She would be a living nightmare for non-chatty Loroi. Girl never shuts up until you make her LOL!


Stillstorm though... I enjoyed up to a point. Everything she did seemed to fit what we know of her in the comic until she laughed.

I almost think mirroring comic events too closely may not be best.

In the comic Stillstorm's laugh fit because it was one full of scorn and contempt, even hatred at such an absurd notion of someone she hated and had failed to destroy in the past.

Here... I don't think that laugh was like her. Only because I think laughing was a bit much of a reaction. Unless she thinks a male warrior is an amusing, and really absurd concept.

But if that was why, she should have at least said or hinted as much.

From Stillstorm's POV, the only thing I see actually worth laughing at Alex about is that he is dressed as a warrior yet he is male.

It would be as if a human woman wore a suit and tie like a man. Guys may smirk, and if the woman tried to stand up to a man and act tough they may laugh out loud and not even take her seriously.

That's my problem. The Stillstorm I know would be less generous in her parting words toward Alex, and still suspicious.

Above all else, the last thing Stillstorm will ever do is give Alex the same respect she would a Loroi warrior. By then she will have at least come to trust him, and not see him as a mere male who is cross-dressing like a wannabe warrior.

In the comic she only smirked at Alex when Alex said he said what he did while almost dying in his suit as a curse of vengeance on those that killed his ship and crew. If Stilly laughed then she would have come across as both jerkish and unprofessional there.

Not that she did in your story... but the laugh there just came out of no where to me.



EDIT: Given how annoyed Stilly was, and how Alex looks, it is in the end up to you, but I think certain following passages could fit a less generous Stillstorm well:


Instead of:

The Lashret shot him an icy gaze, “You attempt to look like a warrior, yet you spin empty words like a Mizol.”

This: The Lashret shot him an icy gaze, "You pretend to look like a warrior, yet you spin empty words like a Mizol."

Intent: Stilly is letting Alex know she doubts everything coming out Alex' mouth in no uncertain terms.

Instead of this:

Both stared at each other for a moment, before Stillstorm suddenly laughed out loud, “I may not accept you as a warrior just yet, but you show quite some courage. Wielding words as weapons is certainly a good description of what the Mizol do, Human, so you can continue to clash them with Parat Tempo at your leisure. I have more important matters to attend to.”

Something like this:




Both stared at each other for a moment, before Stillstorm suddenly smirked and said, "You are bold, but I have no need for words. Words mean absolutely nothing unless they are backed up by action. Which I cannot be certain of with your lotai up. You wish to impress me that you are a warrior and not a joke or worse? Speak with your actions human. You may use words with Parat Tempo now. I have more important matters to attend to."


She stood up and looked down on the Mizol, “Inform me as soon as you have managed to secure their assistance regarding the Shell lotai, if you believe that we can trust them."

The Loroi in question acknowledged it mentally and said out loud, “Then we shall resume this conference after a short break.”


Of course you may tailor it as you wish.

On the other hand, I almost think my version of Stillstorm is too harsh given that the humans did rescue Emberwing.

So tailor it as you wish or make up your own. Perhaps a balance is needed, since I presume Stilly is no fool and knows an ally would be good if they can be trusted anyway.

On the other hand, my Stillstorm is subtly nudging Alex to prove himself by helping the Loroi, giving Alex more motivation realizing he is at -50 points with Stilly already and has to climb his way out to get her respect.

Respect is huge for guys. Lack of it can get men killed, but when given it can also prevent fights from breaking out and also death.



Final Edit: That's about as much polish and spit shine as I can put on it.

I can only imagine the work that goes into creating this WHOLE story!


,With my final edit, I actually like my version of what Stillstorm says more.... as I think it fits her comic character more.

At any rate you will soon diverge from the comic, given it's slow pacing while you proceed at warp speed by comparison.

At that point you will be in uncharted territory, with no comic references to fall back on, Unless you count other fanfics.... but still the work will and should be your own.

[Cthulhu]

Thanks for your suggestions, I'll have to think about those parts some more.

The thing that Stillstorm laughed at was Alex' audacity of implying that she's a pelt-wearin', head-loppin', knuckle-graggin' barbarian. On the other hand, she's a highly experienced commander and understands that tasks need to be delegated to their respective specialists. She can't contribute much to this discussion, but she still needed to "test his mettle" so to speak. Since the outcome was rather satisfactory, she can now leave it to Tempo. The Humans might remind the Loroi of their males, but it's clear enough that they are aliens with their own culture. A human male warrior would be the equivalent of an Amazon (if the Loroi had something like that).
Besides, there might be even more pressing matters for the Lashret to attend to, like the Shell invasion, for example.

Unlike what happened in the comics, here, Alex still has his ship and is a proper Captain. The Charon is also slightly bigger than the Bellarmine. Or the Rallis station. Or the Tempest. Actually, the only thing bigger than it, at least in this sector, would be the Azimol citadel. (The size, like many other variables, were chosen at random by throwing dice.) This particular ship was sent partly because it's about two-thirds fuel cells, but the sheer size was also a factor.

P.S.: I've included an explanation about the most recent dream, too.

[Bamax]

Thanks for your suggestions, I'll have to think about those parts some more.

The thing that Stillstorm laughed at was Alex' audacity of implying that she's a pelt-wearin', head-loppin', knuckle-graggin' barbarian. On the other hand, she's a highly experienced commander and understands that tasks need to be delegated to their respective specialists. She can't contribute much to this discussion, but she still needed to "test his mettle" so to speak. Since the outcome was rather satisfactory, she can now leave it to Tempo. The Humans might remind the Loroi of their males, but it's clear enough that they are aliens with their own culture. A human male warrior would be the equivalent of an Amazon (if the Loroi had something like that).
Besides, there might be even more pressing matters for the Lashret to attend to, like the Shell invasion, for example.

Unlike what happened in the comics, here, Alex still has his ship and is a proper Captain. The Charon is also slightly bigger than the Bellarmine. Or the Rallis station. Or the Tempest. Actually, the only thing bigger than it, at least in this sector, would be the Azimol citadel. (The size, like many other variables, were chosen at random by throwing dice.) This particular ship was sent partly because it's about two-thirds fuel cells, but the sheer size was also a factor.

P.S.: I've included an explanation about the most recent dream, too.

Hmmm... If Stillstorm was laughing about Alex implying they were barbarians then the laugh seems, at least to me, too late.

Also testing someone's mettle I am not sure would factor in as much here for Stilly. To see if he is bold like a warrior? Even the Umiak are bold and the space ellves do not exactly respect them.

What she wants to know is whether or not Alex can be trusted at all as an ally. Alex has yet to give a definitive answer... not that he really should at this time either.


Regarding words this is how Stillstorm feels about them:





Stillstorm is more grumpy here than even my version. My version comes accross as almost... nice by comparison.

But you did mention Alex has giant spaceship, and Stillstorm would be a fool to tick off an alien with lotai and a giant spaceship who could be an ally.

Alex in the comic has a lot less assets to bargain with.

[Cthulhu]

I'll try to rework that part and explain her reasoning a bit better. You see, for the Loroi, speech is used in three ways:

One Loroi greeting another verbally is considered an unfriendly gesture. Greeting someone who is out of telepathy range (such as via radio) is called a "hail" (rales); otherwise, a verbal greeting is either a warning (reiren) or a challenge (laben).

Using the spoken word while shielding themselves with lotai means that they do not trust whom they are communicating with. The telepathic link does not only make lying more difficult, it can also be exploited for an attack. Therefore, Alex' remark was understood as something bordering on a warning, and Stillstorm was amused about this display of courage. The Loroi value honesty, after all. Maybe she thinks that the telepathic humans are overly cautious with their lotai, but at least it does not seem to be due to cowardice. She's also a highly experienced officer and understands that an alien culture might have completely different customs. Which doesn't mean that she hast the time or patience to deal with that, that's what Tempo is here for.

In the comic, Stillstorm was so wary since she assumed Alex to be a trick or a construct, with little else but words to back up his claim. Since the humans have a ship that seems to be a tech level ahead of the Shells due to its reactionless drive, it's unlikely that they are a trick of the Hierarchy. This setup is also far too elaborate for a plot of the Historians. This, combined with the physical similarity, forces the Loroi to acknowledge the Humans as a distinct, yet mysterious entity. Which means that negotiating with them falls within Tempo's line of work, lotai or not. For Stillstorm, it is mostly an unwelcome distraction from her mission, just like the Bellarmine incident. She is not as unreasonable or vicious as in the rumors, after all.

[Bamax]

I think I get it.

So your Stillstorm WAS testing him? She thinks it unlikely he is a shell trick nor a historian joke and was simply trying to learn more about him by ticking him off in a confrontational manner?

Stillstorm is acting Mizol-ish then.

For what it is worth...does happen IRL.

I had a new female coworker years ago who was nice at first, but one day out of the blue she started acting nasty toward me. Even rude. I ignored it first, but since she persisted I called her out on it and she exclaimed,"Finally you show some backbone!"

She was never mean to me again. She only wanted to see if I was weak or strong. She assumed me being rather patient and forebearing meant I had cowardice, when all it was me trying to get along as far as poss

[Cthulhu]

I think I get it.

So your Stillstorm WAS testing him? She thinks it unlikely he is a shell trick nor a historian joke and was simply trying to learn more about him by ticking him off in a confrontational manner?

Stillstorm wasn't trying to provoke him on purpose, this was actually Alex' strategy. She was just irritated about this Mizol-like clash of words and wanted to get a feel of his character instead, something that the Loroi usually do with their telepathy. He implied that her accusing him of not acting according to the Loroi code of honor is a poor (or even barbaric) way to conduct negotiations. This whole situation, combined with his looks, was rather amusing and Stillstorm needed a good laugh. Anyway, I'll adjust that part tomorrow.
The point is that for the Loroi the very act of talking can be understood as a confrontation (unless it's necessary, like for long-distance communication). Aliens, however, have their own customs that may even contradict the Loroi ones. Since the Loroi are overly blunt for the most part, diplomacy is the Mizol's domain.

Stillstorm is acting Mizol-ish then.

Stillstorm's reaction:Show

For what it is worth...does happen IRL.

I had a new female coworker years ago who was nice at first, but one day out of the blue she started acting nasty toward me. Even rude. I ignored it first, but since she persisted I called her out on it and she exclaimed,"Finally you show some backbone!"

She was never mean to me again. She only wanted to see if I was weak or strong. She assumed me being rather patient and forebearing meant I had cowardice, when all it was me trying to get along as far as poss

That sounds like a somewhat poor attempt at flirting, to be honest. Normally, people tend to avoid such confrontations since it might get one into trouble with HR.

[Bamax]

I think I get it.

So your Stillstorm WAS testing him? She thinks it unlikely he is a shell trick nor a historian joke and was simply trying to learn more about him by ticking him off in a confrontational manner?

Stillstorm wasn't trying to provoke him on purpose, this was actually Alex' strategy. She was just irritated about this Mizol-like clash of words and wanted to get a feel of his character instead, something that the Loroi usually do with their telepathy. He implied that her accusing him of not acting according to the Loroi code of honor is a poor (or even barbaric) way to conduct negotiations. This whole situation, combined with his looks, was rather amusing and Stillstorm needed a good laugh. Anyway, I'll adjust that part tomorrow.
The point is that for the Loroi the very act of talking can be understood as a confrontation (unless it's necessary, like for long-distance communication). Aliens, however, have their own customs that may even contradict the Loroi ones. Since the Loroi are overly blunt for the most part, diplomacy is the Mizol's domain.

Stillstorm is acting Mizol-ish then.

Stillstorm's reaction:Show

For what it is worth...does happen IRL.

I had a new female coworker years ago who was nice at first, but one day out of the blue she started acting nasty toward me. Even rude. I ignored it first, but since she persisted I called her out on it and she exclaimed,"Finally you show some backbone!"

She was never mean to me again. She only wanted to see if I was weak or strong. She assumed me being rather patient and forebearing meant I had cowardice, when all it was me trying to get along as far as poss

That sounds like a somewhat poor attempt at flirting, to be honest. Normally, people tend to avoid such confrontations since it might get one into trouble with HR.

What I do not umderstand is why have Stillstorm imply Alex is a shell trick or a historian joke if it is obvious to her that is not so?

Plus that Tempo no doubt already gone over this with her for some time?

If Stillstorm was just frustrated because she has no clue why the humans are hiding behind a lotai (Stilly is clueless that it is human feature, not a function), then the only other alternative is what cannot be the case, since evidence shows they are neither from the shells or historians.

THEN her reacrion would make sense. But if thst is true, given Stillstorm's penchant for bluntness, her dialogue or at least her facial expression or tone (confused, frustrated) would have made Stilly's core concern really obvious.


Which is: Stillstorm's thoughts: If you are telepaths LIKE us, which to to our knowledge no one else is, wy are you not being open an honest via telepathy? What are you hiding? And you say you wish an alliance! What game is this you play human!

When the obvious thought to me is: Even if humans were not immune to Loroi telepathy, they may opt to use lotai, simply as a security concern.

That IS what the Teidar did and they are Loroi!

Stilly cannot know what she does not know, namely that humans are not actively suppressing Loroi teleparhy. They are just immune.

And trying to gauge another's reaction via conflict is not unknown to me.

On another occasion a female coworkee who was obviously flirting with me but I wss far too naive to know it came out of no where and bull.rushed me, nearly making me lose my balance from shoving me really hard.

At other times she would pass me by and tell me odd details about her life (like where she got her unique name from).

I was always polite and never shooed her away, so maybe she thought I was sending mixed signals?

Shortly thereafter she was fired though lol! For what I dunno, probably fpr being outspoken or acting wild with customers.

[inxsi]

Wow, Alex did not notice Emberwing freaking out? Or is he just hiding it... yeah, I can see why the Loroi have issues with the human lotai - especially with Zarjow commenting about dreams right after. Though it would be humorous if he started creating the sword in response to picking up dreams from Emberwing

Interesting that she thinks Zarjow would be more subtle - he seemed fairly subtle to me, though I suppose she expects them to be more subtle than when they probe her about Loroi culture.

The negotiations were good, though they did not absorb me as much as the rest of the chapter since they repeated so much of the comic (which is probably unfair and misses nuance in what is happening). It does seem that Stillstorm has more respect for Tempo (and the Mizol caste as a whole) than I expected her to - or at least that she would be more open with her insults (rereading, it does seem like a very sly dig at both of them). I doubt that the non-Mizol respect words as weapons - I think the best analogy I can come up with is if he claimed he would show his martial prowess by defeating her in a pillow fight. Maybe he could do so, but it would not be deemed relevant for a warrior.

I enjoyed it and look forward to seeing where it goes - I suppose we'll get to see if Stillstorm cares as much about the feud with Emberwing's mentor as Emberwing does.

[Cthulhu]

What I do not umderstand is why have Stillstorm imply Alex is a shell trick or a historian joke if it is obvious to her that is not so?

At this point it is merely unlikely, but it cannot be refuted entirely. Maybe the Humans are in league with the Shells. Or maybe these are not, but others might? It's too much of a coincidence.

Plus that Tempo no doubt already gone over this with her for some time?

Tempo surely has, and she even dragged her, but also the Barsam and the Historian, to this meeting. Stillstorm sees the necessity of diplomacy, but since she has far more important matters to attend to, she leaves it all to Tempo. The only things that concerns her right now is if those humans can be of any help.

Wow, Alex did not notice Emberwing freaking out? Or is he just hiding it... yeah, I can see why the Loroi have issues with the human lotai - especially with Zarjow commenting about dreams right after. Though it would be humorous if he started creating the sword in response to picking up dreams from Emberwing

Interesting that she thinks Zarjow would be more subtle - he seemed fairly subtle to me, though I suppose she expects them to be more subtle than when they probe her about Loroi culture.

Emberwing tried to hide her shock, but Zarjow picked it up regardless of her efforts. He then asked her about it, since it came out of nowhere. Rescuing her and even delivering her back, just for her to commit sudoku?

The negotiations were good, though they did not absorb me as much as the rest of the chapter since they repeated so much of the comic (which is probably unfair and misses nuance in what is happening). It does seem that Stillstorm has more respect for Tempo (and the Mizol caste as a whole) than I expected her to - or at least that she would be more open with her insults (rereading, it does seem like a very sly dig at both of them). I doubt that the non-Mizol respect words as weapons - I think the best analogy I can come up with is if he claimed he would show his martial prowess by defeating her in a pillow fight. Maybe he could do so, but it would not be deemed relevant for a warrior.

Stillstorm is an experienced commander, and she knows how to gauge her subordinates' potential, even if she does not like them. She's also politically troublesome, and I think that the Emperor would've sent one of her best agents to support her.
I've tried to find a good balance between featuring their iconic dialogue, while giving it a new twist. Right now, I'm kinda torn between rewriting that part and finishing the Intermission.

Also, a pillow fight? Sounds kinky! Perhaps it would be quite relevant for fostering good relations, at least according to Captain Kirk.

I enjoyed it and look forward to seeing where it goes - I suppose we'll get to see if Stillstorm cares as much about the feud with Emberwing's mentor as Emberwing does.

Feud? What feud? Oh, you mean that wager we've had, what, 50 years ago? The rumors surely have blown it out of proportion!

[Bamax]

Latest review: Do not know why, but Loroi to Loroi interaction is always interesting and fun to read.

In truth, the first chapters with nothing but Loroi were great fun.

Perhaps because the way you write them they are personable and real, but funny too.

Honestly, the funniest part for me of the whole fanfic wss when Amberwing was asking her Listel for a damage report. Things were so bad the Listel I think just stared at her console until the nearby Teidar shoved her telekinetically, which made her say the bad news in I reckon a rather deadpan way... realizing how doomed they wete.

Even tbough the Loroi died, in those few chapters you got me to actually care about them. I was sad to see them go, as I would no longer hear their frank banter between each other. I even loved the Gallen character.

Once humans got involved I found it less fun, but the intermissions and dream sequences were interesting at least.


Good job! Looking forward to Stillstorm's rewrite if you so choose (or leave as is, it's your work so it's up to you) and more stuff with several Loroi in it.

[Cthulhu]

Latest review: Do not know why, but Loroi to Loroi interaction is always interesting and fun to read.

In truth, the first chapters with nothing but Loroi were great fun.

Perhaps because the way you write them they are personable and real, but funny too.

Honestly, the funniest part for me of the whole fanfic wss when Amberwing was asking her Listel for a damage report. Things were so bad the Listel I think just stared at her console until the nearby Teidar nudged or telekinetically, which made her say the bad news in a reckon a rather deadpan way... realizing how doomed they wete.

Even tbough the Loroi died, in those few chapters you got ke to actually care about them. I was said to see them go, as I would no longer hear their frank banter between each other

Once humans got involved I found it less fun, but the intermissions and dream sequences were interesting at least.


Good job! Looking forward to Stillstorm's rewrite if you so choose (or leave as is, it's your work so it's up to you) and more stuff with several Loroi in it.

I'll rewrite Stillstorm's part soon, maybe tomorrow. Or I'll add the explanation of her behavior into the next chapter.

The Humans also have telepathic banter between them, but Emberwing can't hear it, you see. Doing an Intermission from their POV, however, would spoil too much. I thought that the various dream sequences, cultural clashes and foreshadowed mysteries would be enough to spice up the "human" chapters.

Since she reunited with her people, there will be enough interactions between Loroi now. First, with Stillstorm, and then, with Tempo, too.

[inxsi]

Sorry for the delay. I liked it - though I wonder how quickly the messages from the commander will get relayed. Maybe at some point I'll remember when there will be intermissions

I've enjoyed the different parts, though the comfortable banter between the loroi on Emberwing's ship has an (understandably) different feel than her talking with the humans (and even Stillstorm and Tempo). I think it is just that the other interesting things in the "human" chapters are a different flavor than the interactions of the loroi who are comfortable with one another - which makes sense from a story perspective. I do wonder how Emberwing will feel interacting with loroi she is not used to, especially since they are higher rank (at least from what I remember they would be?).

[Snoofman]

So Duskcrown has entered the picture! This should be interesting.

[Krulle]

I like this story and wish to express my thanks for sharing thismwith us.
Thank You!

[Cthulhu]

Thanks for the replies, I was quite busy with work and other stuff, but the next chapter is almost finished. Prepare yourselves for a plot twist. I've tried to give Stillstorm a distinct personality and explore her backstory in more detail.

[Bamax]

Just had a revelation about Stillstorm based on the comic. Use it or lose it, it's up to you.

Well I will say, though it seems common among fanfic writers to depict Stillstorm as someone who is quick to speak loudly enough to merit exclamation marks, she has, In fact, only done so in the comics when giving orders and never out of pure anger.

Stillstorm I reckon is no mere fireball who gets angry enough to speak loud over trivial things.

In combat being loud giving orders can be necessary given the whole life or death situations involved.

The only time she really expressed anger loudly was when she laughed in contempt at the Umiak commander.

That is also part of the reason I like Stillstorm. She displays both self control and confidence, also experience.

Traits which are desirable no matter what gender a person is.

Suffice to say that since Loroi are used to mainly sanzai communication, and given Stillstorm's pattern of only speaking loudly as necessary, she would either have to be pretending or actually be truly angry with someone to bother speaking loudly in personn out of anger.

[Krulle]

I think the Loroi are so much used to Sanzai, that any "shouting" done by Stillstorm out of anger will be telepathically, which we will not have a chance to notice.

[Bamax]

I think the Loroi are so much used to Sanzai, that any "shouting" done by Stillstorm out of anger will be telepathically, which we will not have a chance to notice.

That is essentially my feelings as well.

Spoken language is literally a second language or purely for work for spaceships or by telephone or equivalent.

In other words, speaking is something the Loroi would associate with... don't do it unless you have to.

To get mad vocally is like me getting mad speaking spanish when english is my native langiage. No point unless I really want someone who only speaks spanish to know I dislike them.