[Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

[Cthulhu]

Another good chapter, does the historian's construct play both sides to its advantage?

Beryl was just making an educated guess. The Humans behaved quite strange, so she theorized that this could've been due to the Construct's meddling.

As to its goals? Well, in the comic, the Pocket Historian was strangely insistent on "protecting" Alex from the Loroi, basically telling him that "anything you say can will be used against you". Are the Loroi really so evil and dangerous as to warrant such a level of wariness? Or does the Historian pursue other goals? Since this is a role reversal story, the Construct is now trying to "assist" the Loroi regarding the possible threat which the Humans pose. But we still don't know the bigger picture. I've prepared an interesting plot twist, though.

are the systems of the human ship capable of detecting it, or at least localizing it?

Given enough time, they probably could, and that's likely the reason why it is hiding in Loroi equipment.

With humanity's current investment in AI development and needing software experts that can interpret code, it would not surprise me if the humans have detected an anomaly in their systems.

The Construct only uses the Human systems for sending short messages, hiding them in the normal transmissions, so maybe it went unnoticed?

If the historian construct were playing both sides, what would it profit from it? Another competitor out of the way? Historians might be xenophobic and have a small empire of their own, but they don't seem collectively hellbent on galactic conquest. Or am I wrong?

Who knows? The Historians may abide by the old principle of keeping all other powers divided, weakened and hostile to each other? The Humans are then simply an unwelcome wildcard, which needs to be addressed quickly.

In fact, in the original comic story, hasn't it already been proposed by somebod(y/ies) that the Historians are playing both Umiak and Loroi? The only logical conclusion to me in regards to such a theory is that the Historians are trying to get both sides to wipe each other out. But then again the Historians seem very worried of the Umiak encroaching on their territory and are willing to risk sharing their weapons with the loroi just to push back the Hierarchy. Weapons which could eventually be used against the Historians if the Loroi became so inclined.

Unfortunately, we know too little of the Historians. What are their goals, full capabilities, population numbers, or just the form of government? Are they even united at all?

SpoilerShow

Or, what are the Historians?

[Snoofman]

So Emberwing has been receiving live feed from another telepathic source? This should be interesting.

[Cthulhu]

So Emberwing has been receiving live feed from another telepathic source? This should be interesting.

It's not exactly a live feed, merely some dream fragments. Perhaps she should adjust her antennas for a better reception. Well, now that they arrived at the apparent source, the data bandwidth should improve.

Also, I hereby invoke the plot twist technique Number 65: What if there's a (psionic) Mary Sue, but it's not the protagonist?

Additional plot twistShow

What if it's not Alex either?

[Bamax]

Credit where credit is due review:

You are able to write interesting descriptions as well as action sequences.

Arguably the most entertaining part of the chapter was the gradual revelation of what the massive sphere was.

Also... the early battle in the first few chapters had good enough description to be entertaining.

What I am arguably not entertained by is character dialogue and thinking... it bores me enough that I actually want to and sometimes do skip over it till the next event or shoe drops.

Occasionally it was entertaining but only when there was suspense and I did not know what a character was going to do or feel (Stillstorm for example or even the Umiak commander).

[Cthulhu]

Credit where credit is due review:

You are able to write interesting descriptions as well as action sequences.

Arguably the most entertaining part of the chapter was the gradual revelation of what the massive sphere was.

Also... the early battle in the first few chapters had good enough description to be entertaining.

I thought about writing a more combat-oriented story, but there's already one, Vanguard by dragoongfa. It went into a hiatus before the actual battle could start, though. So instead, I wrote a role reversal. The next one will be either about ancient Deinar, similar to Sashrillis, or maybe about a lone Human survivor among the Umiak. There should be enough combat in both of them.

What I am arguably not entertained by is character dialogue and thinking... it bores me enough that I actually want to and sometimes do skip over it till the next event or shoe drops.

Occasionally it was entertaining but only when there was suspense and I did not know what a character was going to do or feel (Stillstorm for example or even the Umiak commander).

Thanks for the feedback. What aren't you liking about the dialogue? I remember you wanting more interactions, actually. This fanfic is mainly for training, so I'm including various things. Not just fast-paced action, but also mystery, self-doubt, trategy, personal growth and also a take on how to represent telepathy.

[Snoofman]

@Cthulhu
Ancient Deinar or Umiak recovery! I’m officially torn. Though I think it’s about time someone told the story from the Shells’ point of view.

[Bamax]

Credit where credit is due review:

You are able to write interesting descriptions as well as action sequences.

Arguably the most entertaining part of the chapter was the gradual revelation of what the massive sphere was.

Also... the early battle in the first few chapters had good enough description to be entertaining.

I thought about writing a more combat-oriented story, but there's already one, Vanguard by dragoongfa. It went into a hiatus before the actual battle could start, though. So instead, I wrote a role reversal. The next one will be either about ancient Deinar, similar to Sashrillis, or maybe about a lone Human survivor among the Umiak. There should be enough combat in both of them.

What I am arguably not entertained by is character dialogue and thinking... it bores me enough that I actually want to and sometimes do skip over it till the next event or shoe drops.

Occasionally it was entertaining but only when there was suspense and I did not know what a character was going to do or feel (Stillstorm for example or even the Umiak commander).

Thanks for the feedback. What aren't you liking about the dialogue? I remember you wanting more interactions, actually. This fanfic is mainly for training, so I'm including various things. Not just fast-paced action, but also mystery, self-doubt, trategy, personal growth and also a take on how to represent telepathy.

You will in time find a way to write that is entertaining and will not drag for even average non-outsider fans.

In the meantime remember the phrase that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?

I am not saying you need to change your story... what I am saying is it may be worth considering or better yet reading some scifi and taking cues from that.

Better yet, instead of going through the time consuming task of reading ENTIRE books.. try out a few scifi short stories.

Not fan fiction. Original stories that are short scifi stories.

I do not recommend movies or even comic strips, since pure writing is a medium that requires techniques that movies and comic strips can and do disregard because no imagination is required.

Pure writing demands more of the audience than movies or even a comic strip, which is why when done well it can also be far more enjoyable, since it is far more mentally interactive. The reader can be encouraged to imagine what is either implied or described with subtlety or sometimes not subtle at all but effusive with color and enthusiasm.

It's like cooking or preparing a meal. A hamburger can be a piece of meat between two pieces of bread... or you can add a bunch tasy condiments and tomato, pickles, onions etc.

I think limiting matters too... too much of anything gets stale.... which is why no single chapter should seem exactly like the one before it.

After reading it a short story... compare the story to any of the chapters you have written that I have not praised and see what is entertaining about the short story.

Once you see what makes a story entertaining by reading an example, perhaps you can compare it with your own writing and find ways of 'spicing it up'

I am no professional writer so I can do no better than show you examples.

Here is one and it is a quick read... also hilarious for me to read even though the subject is war.

I highly regard the following story and wish it was adapted to TV or a movie one day.


http://www.mayofamily.com/RLM/txt_Clark ... ority.html

[Cthulhu]

@Cthulhu
Ancient Deinar or Umiak recovery! I’m officially torn. Though I think it’s about time someone told the story from the Shells’ point of view.

The Deinar one needs the history article Arioch had promised some time ago. However, I'd rather have him focus on the comic. As to the Hierarchy one, I'm still indecisive between writing it as a serious Umiak character study, or a less serious last-hero-standing kind of story.

You will in time find a way to write that is entertaining and will not drag for even average non-outsider fans.

But right now I am writing a fanfic for Outsider fans. The whole point of writing a fanfic is to skip most of the world-building, since the audience is already familiar with it.

In the meantime remember the phrase that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?

I am not saying you need to change your story... what I am saying is it may be worth considering or better yet reading some scifi and taking cues from that.

Better yet, instead of going through the time consuming task of reading ENTIRE books.. try out a few scifi short stories.

Not fan fiction. Original stories that are short scifi stories.

I do not recommend movies or even comic strips, since pure writing is a medium that requires techniques that movies and comic strips can and do disregard because no imagination is required.

Pure writing demands more of the audience than movies or even a comic strip, which is why when done well it can also be far more enjoyable, since it is far more mentally interactive. The reader can be encouraged to imagine what is either implied or described with subtlety or sometimes not subtle at all but effusive with color and enthusiasm.

Oh, I've read tons of sci-fi literature, some of it in English as well. The classics, newer works, less-known authors, even the Star Trek paperbacks. However, by writing this story I'm trying to develop my own style, so I'd rather take inspiration, than imitate other people's writing. After all, this fanfic is meant as an exercise. The next fanfic(s) will resemble some of my favorite storylines, though.

It's like cooking or preparing a meal. A hamburger can be a piece of meat between two pieces of bread... or you can add a bunch tasy condiments and tomato, pickles, onions etc.

I think limiting matters too... too much of anything gets stale.... which is why no single chapter should seem exactly like the one before it.

After reading it a short story... compare the story to any of the chapters you have written that I have not praised and see what is entertaining about the short story.

Once you see what makes a story entertaining by reading an example, perhaps you can compare it with your own writing and find ways of 'spicing it up'

I am no professional writer so I can do no better than show you examples.

The story should be developing at a much faster pace now, and several plot twists will unfold to throw the protagonists off guard. Anyway, I've tried to follow the comic's pace for the most part. There were also many scenes with nothing but talking, with some brief combat in-between. For example, Chapter 2 had only about five pages of space-battles. The rest was dialogue and a little bit of implied flirting.

Here is one and it is a quick read... also hilarious for me to read even though the subject is war.

I highly regard the following story and wish it was adapted to TV or a movie one day.
http://www.mayofamily.com/RLM/txt_Clark ... ority.html

Thanks, but I already know this story.

[Bamax]

Quality over quantity.

Just curious.

What kind of writing are you aiming for?

It is not so much about comedy mixed with a bit of drama here like with another fanfic I like.

This is just my opinion, but I think what you excel in you should highlight, and what you are still learning include but realize if you make something you are still learning the highlight it may not be as good.


If I had to guess you seem to like writing from the mystery angle mixed with almost a detective spin on things.

Perhaps it is mystery and detective novels you should draw upon.

Nothing is truly original... even if we only discovered for the first time someone before us either already did or was aware of it.

What matters is that the reader discovers and enjoys your writing.

Also what is with Emberwing and the bath again lol. And realizing she is a bit fat or chubby for a warrior?

Part of me wants her to slip in the shower or for something humorous to happen since you keep drawing the reader back to emberwing in the bath.

Is that like a personal effect or author self-insertion lol?

I am not making fun, but I did mention once that I could hardly get fat if I wanted to and you said something along ths lines that you have to be more careful or that your metabolism is not as fast as mine.

[Snoofman]

Is that like a personal effect or author self-insertion lol?

Could it be both?

Writing now that you mention it is a form of actualizing.

Christopher Paolini, for example, wrote an amazing series called Eragon (though I am ashamed to admit I only read the first two books). Its main character, Eragon, is someone the reader accompanies on a quest to learn magic while going through personal development. In a sense the reader wants to be Eragon. The writer, quite possibly, wants to be Eragon.

Do I want to be Emberwing? If I can muster up the courage to face spacebugs while coming to terms with my mortality in exchange for commanding my own strike group... quite possibly. Do I want to be a smoking hot space elf while enjoying a nice, hot bath? Haven't quite decided yet.



The moment I do, ain't quite sure I'd be comfortable discussing it in the open.

[Bamax]

Is that like a personal effect or author self-insertion lol?

Could it be both?

Writing now that you mention it is a form of actualizing.

Christopher Paolini, for example, wrote an amazing series called Eragon (though I am ashamed to admit I only read the first two books). Its main character, Eragon, is someone the reader accompanies on a quest to learn magic while going through personal development. In a sense the reader wants to be Eragon. The writer, quite possibly, wants to be Eragon.

Do I want to be Emberwing? If I can muster up the courage to face spacebugs while coming to terms with my mortality in exchange for commanding my own strike group... quite possibly. Do I want to be a smoking hot space elf while enjoying a nice, hot bath? Haven't quite decided yet.



The moment I do, ain't quite sure I'd be comfortable discussing it in the open.

Speak for yourself then... I enjoy my fast metabolism too much as well as being a male lol.

[Cthulhu]

Yeah, I'm back!

Quality over quantity.

Just curious.

What kind of writing are you aiming for?

It is not so much about comedy mixed with a bit of drama here like with another fanfic I like.

This is just my opinion, but I think what you excel in you should highlight, and what you are still learning include but realize if you make something you are still learning the highlight it may not be as good.


If I had to guess you seem to like writing from the mystery angle mixed with almost a detective spin on things.

Perhaps it is mystery and detective novels you should draw upon.

Nothing is truly original... even if we only discovered for the first time someone before us either already did or was aware of it.

What matters is that the reader discovers and enjoys your writing.

Also what is with Emberwing and the bath again lol. And realizing she is a bit fat or chubby for a warrior?

Part of me wants her to slip in the shower or for something humorous to happen since you keep drawing the reader back to emberwing in the bath.

Is that like a personal effect or author self-insertion lol?

I am not making fun, but I did mention once that I could hardly get fat if I wanted to and you said something along ths lines that you have to be more careful or that your metabolism is not as fast as mine.

That's the whole point of this exercise, to see what kind of writing I'm actually good at, or where I need to improve. Previously, I only wrote shorter fanfics, or D&D campaign settings. This fanfic is also slightly different in the sense that many points are decided between various possibilities by throwing dice. It's a nice little challenge I devised to spice things up. So keep the critiques coming, I'll try and review the parts which you mentioned.

Well, once I have more time. Work and all the other stuff which is going on right now can drive anyone crazy. Anyway, in the case when the bombs fall, and there's no more Internet (or even electricity), I'll be using pigeons to reply.

P.S. Emberwing is not yet chubby, but there are certain signs that she might be heading into a direction not befitting of a Loroi warrior.
P.P.S. I'm no longer chubby, so it's not a problem, either. Took me quite a lot of effort, though.

SpoilerShow

And the self-insertion is not there yet

[Snoofman]

If someone is indeed feeding these dreams to Emberwing, including the latest one of the minnir, then perhaps there is a bit of foreshadowing of things to come. Perhaps the undiscovered inhabitants have prophesized their eventual return to the heavens.

[Cthulhu]

If someone is indeed feeding these dreams to Emberwing, including the latest one of the minnir, then perhaps there is a bit of foreshadowing of things to come. Perhaps the undiscovered inhabitants have prophesized their eventual return to the heavens.

The Loroi are not terribly creative, very straightforward thanks to sanzai, and have a hard time understanding overly symbolic messages. Maybe what/whoever is sending those dreams simply decided to be as direct as possible. Or, it's hungry, and is getting impatient, since the morsel is now almost in reach.

Anyway, it's not even sure that anyone actually sends those visions, you know. From where, or possibly, when, do they originate? I've strewn in a couple of hints...

SpoilerShow

A Sanzai message always carries meta-data, so to speak. Glimpses into the sender's emotions, their psionic signature (voice), etc. But those dreams, they are quite different compared to such a sending.

[Bamax]

I was a bit confused over whether Emberwing was having an telepathic experience while talking to Alex and she was describing it or if she was speaking of past ones... which I may have missed from skipping dialogue to reach the 'plot point' of some past chapters.

[Cthulhu]

which I may have missed from skipping dialogue to reach the 'plot point' of some past chapters.

If you do that,

I was a bit confused over whether Emberwing was having an telepathic experience while talking to Alex and she was describing it or if she was speaking of past ones...

Then this is the normal outcome. The chapters aren't that long, you know?

And no, she had a sudden vision, or perhaps a daydream, right there and then.

[Bamax]

Intermission Review: You had my curiousity, but now you have my attention.

The last chapter you have written is arguably the most reader friendly and immersive you have written in a while.

My mind was fully engaged... it had to be since you engaged one of my senses, sight.

I do say that employing the senses of sight, touch, sound, taste, and perhaps even pressure can go a long way toward immersing the reader fully in the story so they they stay mentally in.

I did not skip any of this chapter so good job.

And just so you know, parts I skipped in the past where iften Emberwing soliloquies in her head or her endless dialogue trying to figure stuff out that the reader already knows about BECAUSE the intermission informs the reader more than Emberwing by far.

[Cthulhu]

The last chapter you have written is arguably the most reader friendly and immersive you have written in a while.

My mind was fully engaged... it had to be since you engaged one of my senses, sight.

Well, I am trying to experiment with different storytelling styles. Good to know that this one was well-received.

And just so you know, parts I skipped in the past where iften Emberwing soliloquies in her head or her endless dialogue trying to figure stuff out that the reader already knows about BECAUSE the intermission informs the reader more than Emberwing by far.

Those parts were kind of necessary for establishing her character. Besides, are the intermissions really explaining stuff? They are merely describing life on an unknown planet, but cannot answer a pivotal question. It's precisely this problem which confuses Emberwing. Where do the dreams come from?

SpoilerShow

Or, how can those memories of the Fall have survived millennia?

[Bamax]

I think it is better for characters to know more than the reader... but no turning back now in the story.

That way the reader wants to know what they know... and it can surprise the reader.

No reader cares about any character unless they act interesting or do interesting things.... preferably both.

[Cthulhu]

I think it is better for characters to know more than the reader... but no turning back now in the story.

That way the reader wants to know what they know... and it can surprise the reader.

No reader cares about any character unless they act interesting or do interesting things.... preferably both.

You have quite a similar approach in many detective stories as well, the readers may know who the murderer is, but still enjoy the detective's struggle to catch the evildoer.